Small private schools can be hard. My DD was at a small private for 2.5 years and struggled socially. She is now at a medium-sized public and has a large friend group. Consider switching schools.

I agree with pps who also have indicated that it takes time, especially if the school is K-8 or K-12 and there are legacy kids. DD started at a private K-8 in sixth grade (during Covid times to make matters worse). It took at least a year before she had a solid group of friends. It sucked the first year, but it definitely got better, and by eighth grade she had lots of friends.

Anonymous wrote:With small privates the actual class makes more of a difference than the school. If it’s a bad cohort there’s no loss in applying out.

A small private can take on more of a family feel than a friend feel. If your cohort is kind and joyful, it is wonderful. If your cohort has troubled personalities, it’s terrible, like being trapped in a dysfunctional family, only it’s not your family’s dysfunction, it’s someone else’s that’s forced upon your child.

We had one child who dealt with this for two years. Switched to a larger, well-regarded K-12, and our child is doing great.

My friend’s daughter dealt with a falling out with a friend at a small private and it was a miserable year or two. The middle school class grew and high school class even more so now she has a great friend group in high school.

With small privates the actual class makes more of a difference than the school. If it’s a bad cohort there’s no loss in applying out.

A small private can take on more of a family feel than a friend feel. If your cohort is kind and joyful, it is wonderful. If your cohort has troubled personalities, it’s terrible, like being trapped in a dysfunctional family, only it’s not your family’s dysfunction, it’s someone else’s that’s forced upon your child.

We had one child who dealt with this for two years. Switched to a larger, well-regarded K-12, and our child is doing great.

I think you have to reset expectations. Military mom had the best advice.

She isn’t being shunned or bullied: girls have excepted her invitations to hang out and for a sleepover. She just needs to give this time. I don’t think they are actively excluding her. They just aren’t really thinking about her at all. Tweens and teens are pretty self-centered and that is developmentally appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moms are friends, OP. You can't get around moms organizing these things in small privates. This is one of the many downsides of small privates, you see it on here all the time.

ding ding ding

Sorry. I wouldn’t take it personally.

It could improve, but it might not. Probably will not. I’d switch your DD to a larger school for 7th unless there is a genuine reason not to. Academics are not everything (and that is especially true in middle school).

I wouldn’t blame the moms. All these girls have cell phones. If they wanted to hang out with OPs kid they would ask.

I host a lot of kids. My youngest is 7 and I can invite people for play dates. This ends in second grade. By the time kids are 8 and definitely by 10 at the latest, kids make their own friends.

I have teens and I am not involved at all with their plans besides driving them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moms are friends, OP. You can't get around moms organizing these things in small privates. This is one of the many downsides of small privates, you see it on here all the time.

ding ding ding

Sorry. I wouldn’t take it personally.

It could improve, but it might not. Probably will not. I’d switch your DD to a larger school for 7th unless there is a genuine reason not to. Academics are not everything (and that is especially true in middle school).

I wouldn’t blame the moms. All these girls have cell phones. If they wanted to hang out with OPs kid they would ask.

Anonymous wrote:What does your child want to do? She is old enough it is worth considering her opinion. Does she want to go to public school where the classes should be big enough she could find ‘her people.’ Does she want a different private. Hearing all the other girls in her class discuss parities she is not invited to is damaging. And, it says something about this group that they are not even kind enough not to talk about events in front of excluded kids. My suggestion is exit the school since you have proven it is not socially a good fit for her and there are many many other schools in our area.

You do realize that the same thing happens in public. I have 2 boys and a daughter. When my son was in sixth grade, I was the only parent still making DS invite all the boys in his class to his 12th birthday party.

While my son was not part of it, I heard of a lot of girl drama.

Anonymous wrote:What does your child want to do? She is old enough it is worth considering her opinion. Does she want to go to public school where the classes should be big enough she could find ‘her people.’ Does she want a different private. Hearing all the other girls in her class discuss parities she is not invited to is damaging. And, it says something about this group that they are not even kind enough not to talk about events in front of excluded kids. My suggestion is exit the school since you have proven it is not socially a good fit for her and there are many many other schools in our area.

This is the big thing for me. She’s a new kid. It isn’t kindergarten when entire classes are invited so it’s not rude that she is not invited. But kids this age should know not to talk about parties in front of people not invited. And so it could get better. But this is why a larger school is better. No way would everyone invited to a party be in one classroom, there are tons of different groups and your kid wouldn’t know or wouldn’t care about being left out of something they aren’t a part of, and it’s harder to break into a group when there aren’t other people or even other options for her if she doesn’t like this group. I would never put my child in such a small setting like that unless we were already part of that community.

Social development is just as important as academic, may be more so these days. Don’t lose sight of that.

Anonymous wrote:When you reach out to the other parents, are you using the word “playdate” when you invite their kids over? Language usually shifts in middle school. 6th graders “hang out” or “get together.” If you’re inviting them for a “playdate,” that could be off-putting.

I also agree with PPs that it’s pretty normal for you/your DD to need to invite other kids more than once before they start thinking of including/inviting her, especially if the group is already well established.

11 year olds don’t have play dates. They make plans to hang out on their own. Parents give them rides.

I'd reach out to the teacher to get their take on it, OP. Definitely before you make any big moves.

When you reach out to the other parents, are you using the word “playdate” when you invite their kids over? Language usually shifts in middle school. 6th graders “hang out” or “get together.” If you’re inviting them for a “playdate,” that could be off-putting.

I also agree with PPs that it’s pretty normal for you/your DD to need to invite other kids more than once before they start thinking of including/inviting her, especially if the group is already well established.

I wouldn't switch over this. Unless kids are actively bullying her, I wouldn't move her. Moving for 7th is not easy either. Hopefully she finds some friends soon. in general social dynamics in middle school girls are really tough.

Anonymous wrote:What does your child want to do? She is old enough it is worth considering her opinion. Does she want to go to public school where the classes should be big enough she could find ‘her people.’ Does she want a different private. Hearing all the other girls in her class discuss parities she is not invited to is damaging.

And, it says something about this group that they are not even kind enough not to talk about events in front of excluded kids. My suggestion is exit the school since you have proven it is not socially a good fit for her and there are many many other schools in our area.

I blame the parents for not teaching their kids basic decency. Don’t hurt other people. Be sensitive to others feelings. If you can’t invite everyone don’t discuss it at school.

It’s hard to believe that her class has all little clones and they all are always together. Maybe she can start with the girls who went to her sleepover and plan an outing that they would love. Even if only one girl could make it, it’s a start.

This age group is difficult whether it is a new or old school, public or private.

Not being invited to a sleepover as a new girl really doesn’t sound so bad. I mean she isn’t good friends with them so no need to feel bad. It would be much worse if she was friends with them and was not invited. That happens all the time. Friend groups shift and it is a bad time to navigate.