Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

Yes, very hard for me to do in practice after being placed in that role since childhood. My mom wants me to be executor of her estate, and I've told her I'm not sure I want to do it after this. She said if I don't she will have assign a third-party do it. I feel incredibly guilty about letting her down and that my siblings would get much less because of atty fees, and they need the $$ whereas I do not. I suppose it's their fault too, if she doesn't trust one of them to do it. But, I guess I have to accept that they may not like me any longer, but I barely like myself right now with how I'm wanting something from them.

As someone who recently went through the death of a parent and dealt with settling the estate-- if there is any conflict AT ALL between siblings, you absolutely should hire a third party as executor. I cannot emphasize this enough. The money you spend will be more than worth it.

THIS. Even if seemingly functional families 2 things can cause high stress conflict and estrangement- eldercare and settling the estate. Worth every penny to outsource both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're family sided with him. End of story. This isn't complicated. Your brother is abusive toward you. Your family sides with him, not you.

I'm in the same situation.

I finally had enough, and now I couldn't care less about any of them. They made their choice. Now I'm the odd person out.

Years of therapy and I have to agree with this.

You will never change them OP. He will find a new target in the family once you stop trying to be a part of it. And then that target will try to drag you back into it.

Please don’t think you have to be loyal to your family of origin. Be loyal to the family of choice. Of the people you love.

This is so true in my family. The new target, who was no support when I was targeted, got targeted and tried to drag me back in to throw me under the bus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

Yes, very hard for me to do in practice after being placed in that role since childhood. My mom wants me to be executor of her estate, and I've told her I'm not sure I want to do it after this. She said if I don't she will have assign a third-party do it. I feel incredibly guilty about letting her down and that my siblings would get much less because of atty fees, and they need the $$ whereas I do not. I suppose it's their fault too, if she doesn't trust one of them to do it. But, I guess I have to accept that they may not like me any longer, but I barely like myself right now with how I'm wanting something from them.

As someone who recently went through the death of a parent and dealt with settling the estate-- if there is any conflict AT ALL between siblings, you absolutely should hire a third party as executor. I cannot emphasize this enough. The money you spend will be more than worth it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're family sided with him. End of story. This isn't complicated. Your brother is abusive toward you. Your family sides with him, not you.

I'm in the same situation.

I finally had enough, and now I couldn't care less about any of them. They made their choice. Now I'm the odd person out.

Years of therapy and I have to agree with this.

You will never change them OP. He will find a new target in the family once you stop trying to be a part of it. And then that target will try to drag you back into it.

Please don’t think you have to be loyal to your family of origin. Be loyal to the family of choice. Of the people you love.

OP, you're family sided with him. End of story. This isn't complicated. Your brother is abusive toward you. Your family sides with him, not you.

I'm in the same situation.

I finally had enough, and now I couldn't care less about any of them. They made their choice. Now I'm the odd person out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

Yes, very hard for me to do in practice after being placed in that role since childhood. My mom wants me to be executor of her estate, and I've told her I'm not sure I want to do it after this. She said if I don't she will have assign a third-party do it. I feel incredibly guilty about letting her down and that my siblings would get much less because of atty fees, and they need the $$ whereas I do not. I suppose it's their fault too, if she doesn't trust one of them to do it. But, I guess I have to accept that they may not like me any longer, but I barely like myself right now with how I'm wanting something from them.

I posted before on your thread and I posted a lot on here about elderly issues and trying to be a people-pleaser and getting burned so many times over the years. I have a dysfunctional family and elderly issues made things much worse. I mean this as someone who has been there...don't be a martyr. Your siblings needing the money is not your concern if you feel unsupported. Your mom can either assign one of them the job of executer (and the executer is legally allowed to take a well deserved fee for the service) or hire someone. If mom does not trust the siblings, that is not your problem. If mom guilt trips you for making her hire someone, keep your eye on the prize-your sanity and freedom from drama. You have to find the balance between doing what you feel is right and maintaining your sanity. You have to let go of other people's narratives and stick to your own moral compass while finding boundaries that work for you.

OP, look up the whole pop culture "let them" mantra most recently made popular by Mel Robbins. Stop trying to control and just let people be who they are. If they aren't going to defend you...let them. They are showing you who they are. If he is going to badmouth you...let him. Let go. You cannot change these people. Step back from the drama and outsource everything. Focus your energy on people who appreciate you and would stand up for you if needed.

Definitely use a paid attorney for your mother’s estate. It will save your whole family a lot of angst.

Why did your brother cut you off? You have left out a crucial part of this story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are fickle. You say that everyone has said that he is the problem. But they probably say to him that you are a problem.

Your relationship with him is for you to navigate. Stop relying on what other people think and/or say.

Thanks for making me feel like sh-t. I don't rely on them ever. That's why I'm feeling slighted. Maybe I am the problem, but if so I'm okay with it because I'm not going to loosen my boundaries.

Interesting. My post didn't "make" you feel anything, least of all like "sh-t." I didn't "make you" anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. And trying to put the responsibility for your emotions on someone else is very immature. In fact, you just proved my point -- you seem to be way over reliant on what others think or say. Apparently to the extent that not only are your family members affecting you, a few sentences on dcum are enough to "make" you "feel like sh-t." Get some therapy. Seriously.

I understand I’m responsible for my thoughts, and am admittedly extra sensitive today. But, at what point do you believe people? Should I really assume that they’re badmouthing me to my brother? I’m not saying nobody ever grumbles about me, but I’m not sure I’d want a relationship with people who I can’t trust. It may be my problem, but I wouldn’t want a relationship with them if they are stoking his ire about me.

I told them I was hurt when he cut me off, but I don’t badmouth or talk about him. I don’t need him to change for me.

I’ve been in therapy for years. Grief is compounding everything.

I have a narcissistic sister. Your family probably stays silent about your brother because it means you’re the target and they’re not. It’s convenient.
That they’re not defending you - they don’t want to get in the line of fire.

It’s disappointing but it’s about self preservation.

Maybe consider a different therapist who can help you deal with why others opinions affects you so much.

Anonymous wrote:Use a paid executor.

This. I suggest it for any dysfunctional family. Then they save their accusations and drama for the paid professional. It's a miserable job made 100 times more miserable if there was pre-existing dysfunction.

Thanks to everyone for giving me a lot to think about, and I'll look up Karpman's Triangle.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh my quoting ^
🤦‍♀️

Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are fickle. You say that everyone has said that he is the problem. But they probably say to him that you are a problem.

Your relationship with him is for you to navigate. Stop relying on what other people think and/or say.

Thanks for making me feel like sh-t. I don't rely on them ever. That's why I'm feeling slighted. Maybe I am the problem, but if so I'm okay with it because I'm not going to loosen my boundaries.

Interesting. My post didn't "make" you feel anything, least of all like "sh-t." I didn't "make you" anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. And trying to put the responsibility for your emotions on someone else is very immature. In fact, you just proved my point -- you seem to be way over reliant on what others think or say. Apparently to the extent that not only are your family members affecting you, a few sentences on dcum are enough to "make" you "feel like sh-t." Get some therapy. Seriously.

I understand I’m responsible for my thoughts, and am admittedly extra sensitive today. But, at what point do you believe people? Should I really assume that they’re badmouthing me to my brother? I’m not saying nobody ever grumbles about me, but I’m not sure I’d want a relationship with people who I can’t trust. It may be my problem, but I wouldn’t want a relationship with them if they are stoking his ire about me.

I told them I was hurt when he cut me off, but I don’t badmouth or talk about him. I don’t need him to change for me.

I’ve been in therapy for years. Grief is compounding everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a different perspective and feels. Start by listening and respecting and acknowledging his feelings and stop treating him badly.

He won’t talk to me, so that’s impossible. He told everyone he stopped talking to me, but me.

Clearly you did something to upset him and he feels you aren't willing to change so why bother.

Ugh my quoting ^
🤦‍♀️