We went to 13 out-of-town weddings when our kids were 0-5. They were never invited to a reception, and if they were, we probably would have gotten a sitter anyway, since the receptions usually did not start until after bedtime. For my cousins' weddings, I would bring the kids to the church service (with my cousins' blessing); we would get our cute photos there and have time to visit with the extended family. We did have our only nephew at the time attend our wedding (he was 10). We didn't have any other kids we could've invited if we wanted to.

Now that my oldest kids are teenagers, and we have a much more diverse friend group (where children would be invited to weddings as a matter of course), I understand both sides better. But I do think it is unreasonable to be angry about one approach or the other. If it doesn't work for you, you do not have to attend.

There’s definitely more than one thing going on. One of the biggest is that our social groups are more mixed than they once were, and people have different rule books so to speak. We have people with different cultures, SES, religions, traditions coming together and expectations clash.

For some, it’s unthinkable to exclude any children, for others, the idea that children to young too “behave” should attend is incomprehensible.

The best solution, and it’s not perfect, seems to be having a good setup for childcare. I will say excluding a 12 year old these days seems out of the norm and it’s not a hill I would die on.

Anonymous wrote:I see both sides.

My dds were actually IN the wedding as flower girls and still weren't allowed to attend the reception. They were older too, well behaved, and super excited for the bride. Mostly they just like all the romantic, princess things. They definitely left the wedding crying. Bride didn't want kids ruining the reception vibe.

That's just shitty, though. I have no problem with people who don't want children around on their wedding day, but it's pretty bad form to have them as attendants at the ceremony and then exclude them from everything else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when the desire to bring your kids to a family wedding is viewed as some kind of weird or selfish abberation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

"Show off" is an odd word choice; I don't think anyone is impressed by my eight year old. I do like when my kids get to see their family and friends, though. It helps build social bonds, which are important. I've never fought with anyone over kids at weddings, but I think weddings are better with kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The bigger shift is the couple paying for the wedding. If mom is paying, the grand kids and nieces and nephews are part of the deal because wedding have traditionally been family reunions

That is also a very good point. Adding to that, people are spending more than they can afford on a wedding and many times that goes to make things picture perfect even if it’s over budget and it takes precedence over inviting relatives.

The interesting thing to me is picture perfect would totally include kids. Some adorable kids in their little tuxedo or a dress that is modeled after the bridesmaids... with their little bouquet or ring on a pillow... dancing on daddy's feet... it's so cute! That's so much more fun than super-posed adult pictures.

Right?? the cutest thing.

Looking back, I would make a different, more inclusive decision. But we were mainly talking about two little boy cousins who would have been bored witless and a small dinner and dancing reception at a "view" restaurant in a tall building. I thought with months to plan, the parents could figure out a babysitting plan. In the end, the mom came to the wedding and skipped the reception although the dad agreed to babysit. There were no hard feelings.

I also feel bad because I allowed an exception for a close friend who was an out of towner who had well-behaved kids under 2 and was going to come to the wedding as she drove home from a longer vacation. I figured she had no ability to find a known, trusted babysitter and I didn't either because I was no longer living in the wedding city. However, a car breakdown prevented her from coming on a short notice. So my hypocrisy was never revealed. In the end there were zero kids.

Overall I had a guest capacity limit of about 100. I B-listed only my mom's coworkers who were unknown to me. One of them got mad. I felt bad about that too. I figured they would not care because they didn't know me at all. 5 people from my mom's work ended up attending out of 6 invited.

Lost 4.5 guests to car trouble. The family plus another college friend who made it only to the back half of the reception.

So I could have squeezed a few more in up front.

I love kids and had kids at my wedding but not everyone loves kids and finds them adorable and endearing. If the couple doesn’t want kids there it’s fine, totally up to them.

I do think people get scared off by seeing kids running amok at restaurants and parents not parenting when they are misbehaving. Culturally there’s a shift towards “positive parenting” which some interpret as kids making most of the choices. If that’s you, don’t be shocked if your friends or family don’t want your kids at their wedding. What’s cute to you may not be cute to everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I see both sides.

My dds were actually IN the wedding as flower girls and still weren't allowed to attend the reception. They were older too, well behaved, and super excited for the bride. Mostly they just like all the romantic, princess things. They definitely left the wedding crying. Bride didn't want kids ruining the reception vibe.

That’s awful. I wouldn’t let my kids be props like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

Bigotry and intolerance are worth breaking up a family over; parties are not. Your priorities are out of whack. Imagine how you would feel getting the phone call that one of your sisters had died, and you had wasted time and emotions and squandered the gifts of family and sisterhood over a party. A party.

I think the sister is the one who is squandering the gifts of family. What kind of monster wouldn't invite their nieces and nephews? My kids are very close to their aunts and would be incredibly hurt to be excluded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

🤮

I mean, I wouldn’t create a family schism over this, but banning elementary school kids from a wedding is a pretty cold and exclusionary move. I would be annoyed and wouldn’t really make any effort to attend if my 12 year old wasn’t invited. I certainly would not pay for an overnight sitter for him on top of any other costs.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

People can have whatever wedding they want (and people who want a family reunion should feel free to plan and pay for one), but for purely logistical reasons and not ill will towards the B&G, I don't attend out of town weddings that don't include my kids.

I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.