Anonymous
Post 01/03/2025 15:51     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here, wow, that escalated quickly.

A few notes:
BIL is not dangerous, never has been, and holds down a PT job where he works 30ish hours a week, mostly overnight.

Yes, we are going to help MIL and BIL. We care about them and don't want them to suffer.

Thanks for all the input! We're going to reach out to adult services in their county for help.

The symptoms you described are consistent with schizophrenia and psychosis. It’s great he hasn’t been violent, but that’s not the only way danger comes into the situation. Your MIL is a vulnerable person living with a mentally ill AC who is probably also vulnerable. It’s not safe. It escalated because multiple posters suggested that MIL should essentially be punished and that her family has no responsibility. It’s relieving to know you actually plan to help.


That’s not what ppl were saying. Not punished, but, the fact remains that she does live with a mentally ill person and that will complicate the situation beyond belief. I’m sure most of the ppl telling OP to leave it alone have experience with this. In my opinion (based on experience), it’s actually worse that the BIL is with it enough to hold down a job because that means he’s with it enough to fight OP’s husband on everything. He’s got a job, no documented history of mental illness and he lives in the home, he’s going to be calling the shots because no court is going to declare him incompetent or give OP’s husband sole control of the MIL and her assets. He’s not going to take help from OP and her husband because he won’t see an upside in moving out of his home. So, it’s going to be a major conflict and there is a high likelihood that OP and her husband lose.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 23:43     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:OP here, wow, that escalated quickly.

A few notes:
BIL is not dangerous, never has been, and holds down a PT job where he works 30ish hours a week, mostly overnight.

Yes, we are going to help MIL and BIL. We care about them and don't want them to suffer.

Thanks for all the input! We're going to reach out to adult services in their county for help.

The symptoms you described are consistent with schizophrenia and psychosis. It’s great he hasn’t been violent, but that’s not the only way danger comes into the situation. Your MIL is a vulnerable person living with a mentally ill AC who is probably also vulnerable. It’s not safe. It escalated because multiple posters suggested that MIL should essentially be punished and that her family has no responsibility. It’s relieving to know you actually plan to help.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 20:09     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:OP here, wow, that escalated quickly.

A few notes:
BIL is not dangerous, never has been, and holds down a PT job where he works 30ish hours a week, mostly overnight.

Yes, we are going to help MIL and BIL. We care about them and don't want them to suffer.

Thanks for all the input! We're going to reach out to adult services in their county for help.


Chiming in, He likely is not eligible for SSDI at that sustained income level at this age and would not be eligible for LTC medicaid to fund services without the SS determination.

APS is who you need to contact if she is being neglected and needs care and you can't enact the changes on your own.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 19:22     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is the son?


He's 58

There may be some continuing care communities that would accept a 58 year old (the one I’m looking at is 62)

To add: they could live together in independent living and then she could transition as needs increased.


There’s a man and his daughter who live at the continuing care place my mom is at. It would be a small fortune if they shared a 2br apartment there (think $12-$15k/month). The price would go even higher once she went to memory care.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 18:38     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
OP here, wow, that escalated quickly.

A few notes:
BIL is not dangerous, never has been, and holds down a PT job where he works 30ish hours a week, mostly overnight.

Yes, we are going to help MIL and BIL. We care about them and don't want them to suffer.

Thanks for all the input! We're going to reach out to adult services in their county for help.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 11:34     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:None of this is actually your problem, OP. Move on.

It’s her MIL. It is her DH’s problem and hers as well. So tired of the selfish DCUM coven. Sorry, you’re not living in a vacuum. We all have to help sometimes.


The MIL has chosen to support and live with a mentally ill person who sounds like he has great potential to become violent. Realistically, there isn’t anything OP can do without exposing herself or others to potential harm.

They can’t hire nurses to help MIL and send them into a home with this guy because they’d be exposing others to harm and themselves to liability.

If they need the house $ to fund her care, that’s impossible as he won’t leave and they can’t sell a hoarder house occupied by a mentally ill person.

Plus, how can they even get her physically out of the house and into care, even if they pay? Fight him and kidnap her? She would probably refuse to go. Tie her up?

It’s easy to criticize people for being “selfish” when you have no clue. Realistically OP should do as the PP says and stay out of it, no good is coming to her for helping, only a bag of trouble.

An attorney has already advised that MIL is not competent. She’s 90. Yes, her son and DIL need to step in, petition for conservatorship/guardianship and take care of these things. As for mom’s choices around her mentally ill child, you have no idea how difficult it is to get help. She probably did the best she could. But, sure, abandon a 90 year old woman who is already in dementia and living with a potentially dangerous AC who can’t care for himself. That’s definitely the right thing to do here.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2025 07:03     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:None of this is actually your problem, OP. Move on.

It’s her MIL. It is her DH’s problem and hers as well. So tired of the selfish DCUM coven. Sorry, you’re not living in a vacuum. We all have to help sometimes.


The MIL has chosen to support and live with a mentally ill person who sounds like he has great potential to become violent. Realistically, there isn’t anything OP can do without exposing herself or others to potential harm.

They can’t hire nurses to help MIL and send them into a home with this guy because they’d be exposing others to harm and themselves to liability.

If they need the house $ to fund her care, that’s impossible as he won’t leave and they can’t sell a hoarder house occupied by a mentally ill person.

Plus, how can they even get her physically out of the house and into care, even if they pay? Fight him and kidnap her? She would probably refuse to go. Tie her up?

It’s easy to criticize people for being “selfish” when you have no clue. Realistically OP should do as the PP says and stay out of it, no good is coming to her for helping, only a bag of trouble.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 20:11     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:None of this is actually your problem, OP. Move on.

It’s her MIL. It is her DH’s problem and hers as well. So tired of the selfish DCUM coven. Sorry, you’re not living in a vacuum. We all have to help sometimes.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 19:41     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
None of this is actually your problem, OP. Move on.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 18:00     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP Here to answer additional questions:
Deed to the house is in MIL's name only.

BIL refuses to get a diagnosis or even speak to any sort of mental or physical health provider. We tried and he told them that we were trying to have him committed, but all we wanted was a diagnosis so we could look at group homes for him. He speaks to ghosts, has paranormal experiences, yells and screams irrational things at people, refuses to engage with helping his mom with anything (won't even read her mail to her), and spends all his time airing grievances against everyone and everything. He's also loud and big so he scares and intiimates people.

He can't afford the house on his own after she passes away. It will have to be sold. We might be able to buy him a condo with the proceeds, but we just don't think he can live independently. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or understand that thins like power cost money.


Your husband needs to get POA over your MIL’s finances ASAP. We had the same situation and mentally ill brother got POA because they lived together. It was a nightmare.


OP here, we tried. The lawyer said she wasn't competent enough to sign the forms. But she gave DH access to her bank account so we pay all her bills and make sure she has some savings.

Then why isn’t your DH seeking a conservatorship or guardianship? Your BIL sounds like he may be suffering from schizophrenia. The time to act is now, and it will be safest for MIL if you can move her out before telling BIL. She shouldn’t be alone with him. For all of your sakes you need to get a handle on the numbers and act now.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 17:36     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
OP, don't borrow worries. I posted earlier there was nothing you can do, and unfortunately there just isn't. No one is going to be able to enter the home to provide care to your MIL as long as BIL is there. And MIL is never going to kick out MIL or leave him willingly. And BIL is never going to admit he is mentally ill.

Just think of the positives. He is able to work part-time. That is huge that he has a job even if it is part-time.

Spend you time researching what you can. For example, you say he won't be able to afford the property tax but there might be low income assistance in the state they are in. Name the state because people might be familiar with a program in that state.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 16:02     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
OP I know your options seem awful, but I'd strongly advise getting as much information as possible and setting up as many supports and boundaries as possible. Your MIL may be eligible for some in-home assistance, a few hours a day; that has kept my elderly inlaws in their own home longer than we imagined possible. The local/state council or agency for the elderly can also provide other types of assistance, advise you on how to minimize fall risks and other hazards for an elderly person. They may also be able to help you make a plan for what happens when your MIL is unable to handle personal care tasks or cooking. It's a very very hard road, but always better if you're ahead of the curve rather than trying to sort your way out of a mess in the midst of an active crisis.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 15:58     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:You should not spend one dime funding him.

You also shouldn’t count on getting one dime when she passes.

Realistically, there’s nothing you can do.

We had the same situation in my family. Siblings washed their hands of insane uncle and signed the house over to him after their mother passed. He lost the house within a year and has disappeared.



This may be how it goes, OP.

How is MIL’s health besides memory?
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 15:56     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
I think you should probably consult a lawyer, especially if the house needs to be sold for care. It might be more beneficial for your brother if he can get subsidized housing and you give him a monthly allowance if there is money leftover.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2025 15:55     Subject: Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son
Anonymous wrote:Has BIL ever worked? Any arrest history? High school degree? What does he do all day?

The NAMI family to family course may be helpful. A local NAMI group where they live may have some ideas about resources.


Sorry, meant has he ever been able to work FT?

Has he ever been on meds?

I think of the horrible tragedy on LI, in that case there was even a plan for mentally ill sib but he killed sibs rather than have mother’s house sold. Planning ahead is not always a guarantee if ill person isn’t rational. If you can’t save him from himself be careful about becoming his target, OP.