I agree that your siblings need to contact government senior services in the county she lives in, and get her Meals on Wheels and various aids to financially-strapped seniors that are available to her. Sign her up right now for government homes. If you don't want to lift a finger, then don't. Tell your siblings they were your mother's favorites so it's their responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.

The waiting list for senior housing in our county is two years and we are in an exurb of Baltimore. But she’s so young you definitely need to get her on that list wherever she is.

Anonymous wrote:Does she want help? At least she is not in debt, right?
She needs to downsize to a studio or a room.
You didn't give any numbers. Full time retail, social security, and tiny pension surely added up $3k a month.
She can be live in grandma for someone or dog sit. What a waste the 1-bedroom was for years vs a room or a studio.

The problem is that she depends on full time retail, and cannot do it any more. So she does not have 3k a month.

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.

She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.

She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.

She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.

At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.

Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.

She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.

She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

I'm from one Asian country and my husband is from another. You're wrong. You only know the stereotype. My two grandparents went to affordable nursing homes, paid for by my grandfather's WWII veteran pension and my father's supplemental help. My husband's grandmother retired to a Buddhist nunnery (extremely spartan and not for everyone). My medically fragile MIL, thanks to my husband's wealth, has been able to stay in her own home with 24/7 aides and nurses.

No elder in our families have ever moved in with their children. Asian cultures DO NOT cherish their elders - there used to be the social expectation that elders would be looked after by their children no matter what, but if they're cantankerous, don't fool yourself. Their kids won't want them either!

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

Oh shut up. You don't know what your talking about.

I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Our government should do more for old people in need.

Another pathology: Foisting our responsibilities off on "the government".

How many old people without homes have you taken into your home?

You’ve taken in zero.

Do you donate to organization that help those people?

You’ve donated zero.

So what were you saying again?

I’m the PP and you are projecting big time.

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

Op is literally saying her mother didn’t treat her like family so she wasn’t raised with that obligation

OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don’t want to help her, and there’s no way I can help her without causing stress on my family and myself. I am a single mom about to put 2 kids through college and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I absolutely do not want her living with me. I am carefully planning for my own retirement. I had to overcome a lot to get where I am. My mom contributed greatly to my low self esteem and other issues that made things very hard for me and I really don’t feel love there as I do for other family members. I just need to prepare myself for having to say no when I am asked to contribute money or whatever.

OK, yeah... you don't have any money to help her. But what do your siblings think? Are they going to want to help her?

I'd be very clear with them that you cannot provide any financial help. But maybe would you be willing to at least do the research to help THEM find resources to help her? I would at least offer to do that, just to keep your siblings off your back.

Basically - as your mom ages and needs more help, there won't be much available until she is in need of nursing home level care. At that point she can use Medicaid to pay for a room somewhere - it might not be that great. But at least on paper they will take care of her.

But until she needs nursing home level care, there won't be much help. You can help her look into any resources she'd qualify for. In some states and counties, there is help for low income seniors (under $20,000/year income)

Here are some resources in my county (PG County MD)
Senior Assisted Long Term care program
Senior Care in the Home
Senior Nutrition Program (Meals on Wheels)
Energy Assistance for Low Income

There's a MD renter's tax credit for elderly who have high rent.

https://dat.maryland.gov/realproperty/Pages/Renters'-Tax-Credits.aspx

If your mom's annual income is $20,000, and her rent is more than $423 a month, in MD, she could qualify...

Stuff like that. Look it up for your state and county and see what you can find. It might be better for her to move to a state or county that provides more help for the elderly, as well.

Similar situation with my mom. Lots of poor financial decisions and some bad luck left her unable to get a mortgage due to bankruptcy. I bought her a 2 bedroom townhouse in 2021 to essentially create a rent controlled living situation for her.

Does she want help? At least she is not in debt, right?
She needs to downsize to a studio or a room.
You didn't give any numbers. Full time retail, social security, and tiny pension surely added up $3k a month.
She can be live in grandma for someone or dog sit. What a waste the 1-bedroom was for years vs a room or a studio.

Pp mentioned buying a condo for her dad. My sister bought a house for my parents when they downsized — she is making money on it as it appreciates and my parents cover their other expenses with social security and their small pension.

[quote=Anonymous]That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.[/quote]

Nope I’m with OP.

In my case my mother bailed out her brother who was in jail for selling and distributing child porn.

Prior to that my mother like OP had made other terrible financial decisions as well. My mother actually has a home with a mortgage that she bought an hour and a half away from my one sibling that would have helped her. She could have bought a condo and had no mortgage. But no my mother had to have a house.
My mother has no retirement funds and her social security is very low. Age can not pay her monthly bills. She also bought a new car huge payments.


So no I will not help my mother who bailed out her horrible horribly horrific brother.