Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 10:31     Subject: Re:Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you really be okay being the only one in the group who receives old and smelly items year after year?

My feelings are hurt, and I care that they hate me so much to do this.

They must be unhappy inside to act this way.

My response will be not to return for Xmas. Giving someone else power over my Xmas is not going to happen again.


Win-win solution.


Sadly, it’ll be worse for them as they will be alone, and they don’t like that. For five years, I’ve prioritized visiting them since their spouse died.

Actions have consequences though.







So you expect these elderly people to go out shopping for you? Why do you care about gifts at all?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 10:28     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:Do you know with proof they donated large sums to charity? Or do they just say that?
How are you are only one getting smelly gifts? Do you see what others get? Are there others?

They may be too old to go shop in stores and not know how to go online.

Is this one of only a few gifts you get? I understand that situation. I didn't get any gifts. DH says buy what I want not understanding it's not the same. He doesn't celebrate Christmas.


When OP said "two of us" I was guessing those were the two DILs, while everyone else gets new stuff, lol.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 10:25     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Wow everyone lay off the OP. They have reached the end of their rope being the "nice polite" one and they want to omit this from their Christmas because it makes them feel bad.

OP, this visit does not spark joy. Don't visit this person any more. Ever.

Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 10:17     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Do you know with proof they donated large sums to charity? Or do they just say that?
How are you are only one getting smelly gifts? Do you see what others get? Are there others?

They may be too old to go shop in stores and not know how to go online.

Is this one of only a few gifts you get? I understand that situation. I didn't get any gifts. DH says buy what I want not understanding it's not the same. He doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:50     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!


Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.


I left out for the PJs they were treated with chemicals the family already said they avoid-while they keep you safe in a fire they are also highly toxic. My mother laughed at them and even muttered, I'm giving them new flame resistant PJs every year!


So what? She can't make the kids wear them, so all she's doing is wasting her money on stuff that will be immediately donated.

It takes two to make it an insult. If your policy toward gifts is "accept, thank, discard" you do not have to spend any mental energy on what the giver's intent was. I buy the things I want for myself and spend no time wishing some random relative would give me a thing I want. A gift I actually like is a bonus, and everything else rolls out of my life by New Years.

Plus, the best way to take the air out of that kind of pettiness is to act pleased. "Cute pajamas, thank you!" gives less satisfaction than "Dammit, I've told you we don't wear these."
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:40     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
OP, you're reaching here.

You said it only happened to you, but you also said two people got the old notebooks.

And then you said you would stop visiting and the relative would end up alone, but you also said a whole group of people were there this year during the gift exchange.

This isn't about you. I'm glad you're going to talk to your therapist about it.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:33     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lean into it and kill them with kindness. "OMG, is this purse vintage? I looked this up and it hasn't been sold in 30 years. This must have cost a fortune! Oh, you shouldn't have!"


Do you have a personality disorder?


If they gave the gift with pure intent, they'll be elated with that response.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:33     Subject: Re:Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you really be okay being the only one in the group who receives old and smelly items year after year?

My feelings are hurt, and I care that they hate me so much to do this.

They must be unhappy inside to act this way.

My response will be not to return for Xmas. Giving someone else power over my Xmas is not going to happen again.


Win-win solution.


Sadly, it’ll be worse for them as they will be alone, and they don’t like that. For five years, I’ve prioritized visiting them since their spouse died.

Actions have consequences though.







How can you both be the only person there and there be others who are getting better presents than you?
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:32     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:Old people ate often weird about money and "stuff." I'd treat it as a sad symptom of illness, smile, and donate/trash. My mom gives me a ton of stuff from her house and that's the only way her hoard is going to leave so I act enthused about it and make it disappear. PP with the plane ride should just stop at a parking lot donation bin on the way to the airport.


I have this issue, too. It's really sad and depressing. I get really upset sometimes, but I try to reframe it like this:

Because of the mental illness, I think they are incapable of recognizing what is valuable and what is not. Because they are old, they may not be able to smell as well or see as well and realize what they are giving is literally moldy/falling apart/extremely gross. I think of it as my gift to them that I accept their gifts and then dispose of them immediately.

And like a PP, the ironic thing is there are some things I would really love to have, like my grandmother's old metal cookie cutters, or a lovely duck-shaped paperweight that used to sit on my uncle's desk, but my relatives toss those items out like they are trash while saving stuff I have no emotional connection to, like a rusty old file cabinet and imploring me to take it for all my files (I went digital years ago and even if I didn't, I cannot bring that Tetanus-shot-guaranteed-tip-hazard into my toddler's living space.)
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:32     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Say thank you and donate it to
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:32     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
My grandma did this in the last year or two of her life. It kind of felt like she was downsizing and divesting. Sometimes the stuff was cool, sometimes just weird, but I do think she put thought into it.

What sounds like the difference between that and OP's situation is thar from what I could see she did this for lots of people. It wasn't buying new gifts for most and then singling out one person for hand me downs.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:27     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
I have an older family member who does this. She feels she is picking out items you will enjoy and would have cost more than she typically would spend on a gift. She also picks up pretty odds and ends at thrift stores and garage sales to give, or makes things.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:21     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!


Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.


I left out for the PJs they were treated with chemicals the family already said they avoid-while they keep you safe in a fire they are also highly toxic. My mother laughed at them and even muttered, I'm giving them new flame resistant PJs every year!
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:18     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!


Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2024 09:17     Subject: Relative gives “gifts” from closet
Old people houses are smelly because they lose their sense of smell. They forget stuff and they don’t understand you might want the latest and greatest.

I don’t see why any of this should bother you. You are not owed a gift! She doesn’t hate you, obviously. But she’s old and old people can get very strange.

You need a different therapist.