I'm surprised to see parents talking about doing homework with their teens. There is no way my 9th and 11th graders would let us get involved in their schoolwork. Their grades are good but even if they weren't, they like to do it all on their own. Likewise my mom stayed at home and never did homework with me either. Isn't this the age when most kids are independently managing their homework? Or maybe some of you mean just making sure that it happens rather than sitting there and doing it with them.

There's no general rule here, whether it's better to be there after school or not. Some kids are going through a lot of issues, others aren't, some want you to be around, many don't.


The most important years to be spending time with your kids is from birth to three, and then the elementary school years, and the research backs this up strongly. Those are the formative years. In high school you are shuttling them around and providing guidance and love but the foundation is pretty much set

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

It’s not a full time job. But doing it and working full time is extremely demanding. I just don’t feel the need to do that to myself. My husband is not reliably home in time to make dinner each night or drive anyone anywhere or help with homework (he’s home for dinner probably 3 nights a week, but he never knows in advance if he will or won’t be.)

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I don’t care if some working mom thinks I’m slacking. I choose my sanity and a calmly functioning household. I’m fortunate to be married to a good guy and we have ample savings should anything happen.

I quit my part-time job because I didn't care for it and wanted to spend more time with my teen son. It's worked out well and we were in a position financially where it was ok. I will go back to full or part-time once he's off to college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

DP. Glad that’s all worked out for you, truly. When you get a call from the school counselor that your kid’s been having suicidal thoughts, it’s really nice to know they’re not at home alone for hours every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

Not everyone does things the same way.

I found it demanding to work more than part time with teens, yes.

IMO these are the years when flexible and WAH are most valuable.

I was SAH when the kids were babies-kindergarten. DH and I both worked FT out-of-home in ES. DH switched to WAH when our oldest started 6th grade. He'd been the kid who got up to a lot of bad stuff in his teen while I'd been the goody two-shoes so he thought it was really important. My out-of-home job was also super flexible so that helped too.

Anonymous wrote:My god, it's almost like raising children all-the-way to adulthood is *gasp* a whole job!!!

Yeah, y'all. It is. And we should have a culture where you don't have to be independently wealthy to afford to be at home and parent your kids. If you don't want to, you should have competent, qualified caregivers at an affordable price. It's hard enough to find that for preschoolers, let alone for teens.

But the US isn't ready for that conversation, and SAHPs are usually treated like ignorant, lazy freeloaders.

I'm sorry, no raising teens is generally not a full time job. My teens leave at 7 am to get the bus. They take the activity bus and are home at 445. They help prep dinner and we all always at 6. I work full time and it's effortless. I love the mix of working and thinking and earning money and parenting.

When I was a teen I LOVED being home on my own two days a week after school. And no I didn't have sex or watch tv, but I loved the independence.

Sorry mommy doesn't need to hover over 16 year olds every day after school!

I truly believe there's so much violence and dysfunction in American society because culturally, parenting is not taken seriously. Like everything, Americans strive for independence and choice do hey if you choose to have a kid, you somehow need to deal with everything on your own. There is zero support, compassion, benefit, nothing from society. So, maybe you're a responsible parent with enough financial stability to provide time and materials for your kid but maybe you're not. Maybe you have a village and a family to offer support and maybe you do not. For all those who are on their own, it's the kids who suffer most. Not because their parents suck but because in our culture, our society doesn't care enough about society. We only care about ourselves but ironically, we all suffer because of this.

It's so hard to be a parent in America. Truly. There's no right or wrong but there is zero support from society for sure. No wonder nobody wants kids anymore!!

I SAH as much for myself as for my kids. I’m just not willing to do everything to run a household and work FT too. I personally think society asks way too much of working moms. My husband helps some, and definitely fancies himself a “modern husband”, but at the end of the day I am the one buying and making healthy food, making sure the kids clothes and shoes fit, booking their activities and following the parent emails/group chats, making sure they have their secret Santa/white elephant/cookie exchange items, making their their dental appts etc. Yes I know plenty of working moms do all that and work too. I’m just not going to. Why does DH just get to work, and show up at the concerts and games (that I put on his calendar) but not have to think about the nitty gritty? I don’t discuss this with him any more because he gets super defensive and upset saying he’s “better than a lot of dads” but he just doesn’t lean forward on any of the kid management stuff at all. He thinks because he mows the lawn (and not often enough) and set all the bills and investments to autopay that he’s doing 50%.

One of the things I'm doing is buying myself more time by hiring a household helper. I can't do it all - and in large part because my teens need a LOT of time from me. I totally get this trend but I don't think there's any real leave available for it for most folks that need money to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our society has it reversed. Kids need a parent at home more in middle and high school than pre/elem. BTDT.

There isn't really any single time of childhood where it is not useful to be home. You do what you can do.

This. Being at least somewhat present matters the whole way through. That can take different forms. Some of the best advice I got as a new mom was that it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I needed to pace myself. That’s served me well thus far, and still does as mom of a teen, tween, and late elementary-aged kid, the latter of whom has learning disabilities.

I worked with someone who was a really high powered lawyer that resigned her job when her kids were teens—her husband travelled a lot for work and she said that they were running circles around the nanny (who had been so great with them as little kids).

I saw her years later at a party when my own kids were hitting the teen years and I said that I always remembered her telling me that and was thinking of her as I was experiencing the same thing. She told me in no uncertain terms NOT to quit as the teens would be gone soon and then you’d be utterly dependent on your husband with nothing really to do. She said she regretted it.

I’ve sort of been in a place where I am senior enough that I have very flexible hours, but it’s not ideal and I do feel very exhausted and dissatisfied with everything.

There are not good answers.

I'm curious how many women vs men here are stepping out/commenting here?

DH and I are trying to reorganize and be around. My mom retired and moved here, and she spends a lot of time with the kids.

We have kept our amazing nanny and will for the foreseeable future, even those older is in middle school - he needs therapy and specific coordination and needs a third parent. No, someone else is not "raising my kids" but it does take a village to do this.

All this said, DH understood and pitched in much more as he could when the kids were very small. He has less clue of the clear issues for teens, which has been frustrating. But he does have some.

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article really resonated when it came out (and when my kids were babies) and I've been keeping it in mind. It's not the whole story, but she isn't making it up.

I really appreciate the comments here about all the fre e time I had as a teen . I really needed more supervision - my parents were divorced and assumed that because I was a straight A student all was fine. I made some bad choices, though I have (mostly) recovered from them, and for many years I thought it was all me (yes, I did those things ,but I could do better for my own kids). Hoping I can figure this one out.

Anonymous wrote:Our society has it reversed. Kids need a parent at home more in middle and high school than pre/elem. BTDT.

There isn't really any single time of childhood where it is not useful to be home. You do what you can do.