Anonymous wrote:Let assume you have a father who works very long hours six days a week.
One kid can see this as his father works so hard to support the family and is appreciative.
Second kid can see it as my father has never been to school meeting or my athletic events and was absentee parent.
Same experience different interpretations.

They can also have totally different experiences depending on timing. The firstborn might have dad gone all the time and worries about money, while later kids might have been born after parents had accumulated more wealth and also maybe taken jobs that were better for quality of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Barring abuse, adults should have long moved on from their complaints about not perfect childhoods.

My parents treated me poorly as a baby, kid and teen, strongly favoring two of my siblings. As a young adult I put some distance between us, moving to another state, but stayed in touch. I hoped things would get better with some space and an adult relationship. I didn't cut contact until much later, and that is based on how they treat me now, as an adult. I haven't done anything to deserve treated as the family scapegoat. I'm also not a bad mom because I chose to work and not be a SAHM. Nor am I a bad mother because I have laundry that needs to be folded or can't attend every holiday party. Etc. etc.

OP, how do your parents treat your siblings now? Are they repeating the same patterns that hurt your siblings as kids?

My siblings would never agree that they are favored. They share my parent's view that I'm an inherently less deserving person and it's totally fair to treat me poorly. They don't know why I don't agree, but think it must be because of my terrible personality

I do have a fourth sibling, who became the family scapegoat after I left for college out of state. We're close and she sees the same dynamic I do.

I could have written this, except there are only 3 kids in my family. One of my siblings sees the dynamic in the family and is still fighting for attention from our parents. She doesn't protect her own kids from our mom's toxic behavior. And her kids are suffering because she spends all summer there.

Anonymous wrote:Barring abuse, adults should have long moved on from their complaints about not perfect childhoods.

Does you definition of abuse extend to emotional? How exactly do you define that? ....since of course you are the subject matter expert.

Anonymous wrote:Can you please just let people have their feelings? You don't get to tell people what their experience was. You have no idea.

Sure as long as they don't expect others to feel the same way.

Anonymous wrote:Barring abuse, adults should have long moved on from their complaints about not perfect childhoods.

Part of the problem is people will frame normal, even recommended discipline as abuse

Anonymous wrote:The people who had truly magical childhoods are a rare breed. It’s the silent types you know are traumatized. I’m one so aggrieved and in therapy.

I avoid people who are dismissive and or can’t possibly think beyond themselves and their own very specific life experiences- they are oddly delusional, self-involved, narrow-minded, judgmental and lack empathy.

Is the expectation of a "truly magical childhood" reasonable?

Can you please just let people have their feelings? You don't get to tell people what their experience was. You have no idea.

Anonymous wrote:Our upbringing was far from perfect and we grew up in a divorced family, but both my parents really did care about us and tried their best. There were no major problems like physical/emotional/sexual abuse or substance addictions, and we always had our needs met. Yet my siblings have become huge drama queens as adults and pretend that my parents did a bad job when in reality we probably had a better childhood than 85% or more of this country. My siblings have a decent relationship with my parents but don’t respect them and constantly talk s*** behind their backs and it’s always about something really petty. Why are they like this?

It's the millennial battle cry.

Anonymous wrote:I have opposite issue. Ten years apart from sibling. They claim their childhood was happy.

Mine was miserable with a mentally ill mother.

My sister will say my parents were neglectful out one side of her mouth and then say she had a great childhood out of the other.

I don’t speak of it, or anything that matters, with her any longer.

Maybe you are right, OP, or maybe you are in denial or maybe your childhood was good while your sibling had a crappy one.

I believe you, pp, because I have the same dynamic with my 4 siblings. I no longer talk about it, but I have the rep of being the ungrateful drama queen. My mother focused her abuse on me, while she coddled and enabled the others. Only one of us isn't divorced and an alcoholic...

The people who had truly magical childhoods are a rare breed. It’s the silent types you know are traumatized. I’m one so aggrieved and in therapy.

I avoid people who are dismissive and or can’t possibly think beyond themselves and their own very specific life experiences- they are oddly delusional, self-involved, narrow-minded, judgmental and lack empathy.

Anonymous wrote:Their experience may be different than yours. Who are you to judge?

Yes, this!

I have a similar life story to you and your siblings. As a child and teen I would have told you that my family handled it well—never yelling, providing for wants as well as needs. But no one was fully emotionally available to me, and I was exposed to a lot of dysfunction in my extended family. It really impacted my sense of what is normal and my ability to adjust socially in young adulthood and the early years of my marriage. At the end of the day, I am an adult responsible for me and doing what I can to move forward in a happy and productive way. However, I had to spend a lot of time in my 20s and 30s processing my upbringing in order to get to a better place. My parents aren’t bad people, but some of their choices did effect me negatively.

Anyway, everyone’s personalities, inner experiences, and level of resilience are different. It’s ok that your siblings feel differently. That shouldn’t change the way you feel about your parents or your choices about how you relate to other family members. It’s also ok to set boundaries for yourself if you don’t want to hear your siblings’ complaints.

Anonymous wrote:Our upbringing was far from perfect and we grew up in a divorced family, but both my parents really did care about us and tried their best. There were no major problems like physical/emotional/sexual abuse or substance addictions, and we always had our needs met.

Sounds like you always had your needs met. Maybe they had different needs (emotionally and psychologically) that didn't get met.

I am from a family of 4 kids, and we had a "not great" or "imperfect" childhood. Parents had kids really young (mom was still a teenager), didn't have a great marriage, were pretty immature (they didn't have great role models). There was some physical abuse and a lot of yelling, but also they did try as hard as they could. They were up against their own issues from their own childhoods and would have benefited from therapy and other interventions (or just waiting to have kids and perhaps weren't the right people for each other).

Giving that background to say: each of the four adult kids in the family has a vastly different view of our childhood and our parents and, honestly, I think each viewpoint is valid.

Sibling 1 (oldest): Thinks our childhood was great, classic 70s/80s upbringing, parents did what they could, considers himself lucky. Also this sibling was a really hard teenager, got in a lot of trouble as a teen and in his 20s that parents bailed him out of. Has gotten a lot of help from parents as an adult, including financial and practical help when his first marriage failed. Would up working with our dad for a long time. Generally thinks our parents did a good job, grateful to them for all the help over the years, wants to "pay them back" for that help by being especially kind to them now.

Sibling 2: Currently barely speaks to parents. Has been in therapy with our mom off and on for years. Tried to do therapy with our dad but it was determined this was not worthwhile. This sibling was actually the golden child for 40+ years (before she essentially cut off parents). Never got in trouble as a teen, was mature and responsible, is very pretty, was first to get married and have kids. For a long time she was the "respect your elders" sibling, even more than the oldest, and could be resentful and judgmental when other siblings would bail on holidays or expressed frustration with our parents. But then she went to therapy, realized she has a lot of issues as a result of some of the violence and chaos in our house as kids and some unhealthy family dynamics (I think she was very enmeshed with our parents for many years) and it was like a switch flipped. Now she is most critical of our parents, though also critical of all the siblings. Pretty much none of us has a relationship with her. Our mom clings to a slim and very curtailed relationship with her.

Sibling 3 (me): Also a responsible "good kid" growing up, but since always in the shadow of Sibling 2, flew under the radar (slash was ignored and neglected, the truth of that is in the eye of the beholder). Being invisible led me to get the heck out of dodge -- I moved far away, started a totally different life and have maintained distant but cordial relationships with everyone (even Sibling 2 until recently when she went nuclear on everyone). I think our childhood was messed up, I've been in therapy for a long time to deal with the impact of both the hitting/yelling and also just being ignored for most of my childhood. But I also empathize with my parents and can see they did their best (while also recognizing their best was not very good). I'm the sibling who uses the word "boundaries" a lot but also doesn't have a lot of anger or resentment at this point.

Sibling 4: Had a hugely difficult childhood, much harder even than Sibling 1. Likely has undiagnosed ADHD. Had health and mental health issues all through school. Still struggles with emotional regulation. Has been through a lot as an adult, struggles with mental health and substance abuse issues. Is close to our parents but it's an uneasy alliance -- they smother him sometimes but also he needs their help so much. He vascilates between thinking he's a huge f*** up and our parents are saints for putting up with it, to raging at them and blaming them for all his problems. there is honestly truth to both extremes.

I don't think any of us are wrong. Not even Sibling 2 even though right now I do think it's unfortunate she's gone close to no contact across the board. I just think even if you don't think our childhood was true "trauma" (parents stayed married, we were never poor, the physical abuse mostly took the form of corporal punishment, it was a different time when their approach to parenting was considered pretty normal), most people would see it was dysfunctional and that especially in such a large family, it caused issues. We all deal with those issues in different ways. I don't think anyone's approach is totally wrong or totally right. We are different people and need different things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our upbringing was far from perfect and we grew up in a divorced family, but both my parents really did care about us and tried their best. There were no major problems like physical/emotional/sexual abuse or substance addictions, and we always had our needs met. Yet my siblings have become huge drama queens as adults and pretend that my parents did a bad job when in reality we probably had a better childhood than 85% or more of this country. My siblings have a decent relationship with my parents but don’t respect them and constantly talk s*** behind their backs and it’s always about something really petty. Why are they like this?

Let me guess, this is a sister between the ages of 18-21?

"we probably had a better childhood than 85% or more of this country" That quote of yours speaks volumes. You have no clue and you are clearly indicating there were some issues that may have been serious but you minimize them with some made up statistics. The pressure to ignore abuse in families is immense.

I posted the demographics query, I didn’t say anything about 85%. This is my second post in the thread.

I do think there has been something in our culture that was a well-intentioned effort to deal with trauma that has nonetheless encouraged adolescents to conflate normal conflict with parents as being “abuse.” Adolescents are already self-centered and often feel wronged by the slightest discipline — this is part of the normal give and take of growing up and trying to assert independence. It’s just that some of the things they’re being told, such as their feelings are valid no matter what, can lead those who are also prone to drama and attention-seeking (also hallmarks of immaturity) to take extreme positions. Simply put: No, not every feeling you have is valid simply because you have it and usually, suffering consequences for bad behavior isn’t tantamount to “abuse.”

Anonymous wrote:Barring abuse, adults should have long moved on from their complaints about not perfect childhoods.

My parents treated me poorly as a baby, kid and teen, strongly favoring two of my siblings. As a young adult I put some distance between us, moving to another state, but stayed in touch. I hoped things would get better with some space and an adult relationship. I didn't cut contact until much later, and that is based on how they treat me now, as an adult. I haven't done anything to deserve treated as the family scapegoat. I'm also not a bad mom because I chose to work and not be a SAHM. Nor am I a bad mother because I have laundry that needs to be folded or can't attend every holiday party. Etc. etc.

OP, how do your parents treat your siblings now? Are they repeating the same patterns that hurt your siblings as kids?

My siblings would never agree that they are favored. They share my parent's view that I'm an inherently less deserving person and it's totally fair to treat me poorly. They don't know why I don't agree, but think it must be because of my terrible personality

I do have a fourth sibling, who became the family scapegoat after I left for college out of state. We're close and she sees the same dynamic I do.