Anonymous wrote:Nature. I have a friend with an adopted child. They were adopted at birth. Parents are PhD professors/scientists; very proper and strait laced.

Even at the age of 2, their child was drawn to cigarette butts in the ground and if we walked into a space smelling like cigarette smoke
Or weed, they’d inhale and exclaim how much they loved that smell.

As a teen now, to say there are a lot of challenges is an understatement

I second this. Our friends who adopted recently both hold masters degrees and graduated from prestigious universities. However, they are frequently addressing behavioral issues with their adopted child. Last week, they received a call that their child was throwing sand on the playground and and licking the metal playground equipment. Their child is 11. Despite their interventions, nature has prevailed.

This is why I laugh when parents obsess over every little detail of their kids life and waste money on unnecessary things like private school. If your kid is actually smart they’ll do just fine being raised like the average American. Low IQ can’t be cured with any amount of parenting and most of the correlation between education and success is due to selection bias where children with higher levels of innate intelligence are pushed into higher quality schools.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a healthy balance of both. don’t you guys know ANY kid who has been greatly influenced by nurture?

Otherwise why do we fuss so much about not talking about weight because we worry about causing eating disorders?

We talk about encouraging growth mindset and effort instead of outcome based results so our kids have persistence and grit.

So many adults on this board talk about how their parents’ actions totally messed them up.

I work in a low income school. Most of those kids will not rise up to their full potential because of their limited upbringing.

I think it’s easier to say it’s nature, but ultimately it’s a huge mix of both.

Okay, but outside of poverty/abuse like you’re describing, parents have limited impact. My kids will never be incredible athletes. They just won’t! How they feel about that is something I can impact, but I can’t create athleticism.

Sure, but that’s kind of an obvious example. I feel like a lot of people are on this thread saying they didn’t have to try so hard because nature takes over so much of the time that parenting choices don’t really make a difference.

I hate calling the privilege card, but I think this is a topic that people of higher socio economic status can debate but it isn’t valid across the board. Nurture and environment does count for a huge part of outcome, as much as nature.

Parenting choices make all the difference in the world if parents are honest about their child’s strengths and limitations. Mental illness runs in my family. My daughter was a perfect child until 8th grade when she no longer wanted to do school work and boys were everything. She was diagnosed with bipolar and although disappointing wasn’t completely surprising. We spent countless hours and money getting her through the difficult years and into a conservatory. I left my part-time job, I picked her up after school because thankfully she never considered dropping her training. We had the best doctors we could afford. She’s doing well now and manages her illness.

We live in a wealthy town where some of the kids started early with drugs and alcohol. She had friends who were clearly out of control and none of them were getting help. She lost her first friend at 18 to drugs and suicide. She had two friends who dropped out of college and ended up dying of drug overdoses.

These parents made no effort to intervene. They assumed that if they were going to high school, graduating, going to college then they were fine. These kids were intelligent. It was too late for intervention by the time their kids failed at college and graduated to hard drugs.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with 3+ Will say mostly nature. Multiple kids from same family can be so very different

I have 3, and the answer is BOTH.

Anyone with 3+ Will say mostly nature. Multiple kids from same family can be so very different

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a healthy balance of both. don’t you guys know ANY kid who has been greatly influenced by nurture?

Otherwise why do we fuss so much about not talking about weight because we worry about causing eating disorders?

We talk about encouraging growth mindset and effort instead of outcome based results so our kids have persistence and grit.

So many adults on this board talk about how their parents’ actions totally messed them up.

I work in a low income school. Most of those kids will not rise up to their full potential because of their limited upbringing.

I think it’s easier to say it’s nature, but ultimately it’s a huge mix of both.

Okay, but outside of poverty/abuse like you’re describing, parents have limited impact. My kids will never be incredible athletes. They just won’t! How they feel about that is something I can impact, but I can’t create athleticism.

Sure, but that’s kind of an obvious example. I feel like a lot of people are on this thread saying they didn’t have to try so hard because nature takes over so much of the time that parenting choices don’t really make a difference.

I hate calling the privilege card, but I think this is a topic that people of higher socio economic status can debate but it isn’t valid across the board. Nurture and environment does count for a huge part of outcome, as much as nature.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a healthy balance of both. don’t you guys know ANY kid who has been greatly influenced by nurture?

Otherwise why do we fuss so much about not talking about weight because we worry about causing eating disorders?

We talk about encouraging growth mindset and effort instead of outcome based results so our kids have persistence and grit.

So many adults on this board talk about how their parents’ actions totally messed them up.

I work in a low income school. Most of those kids will not rise up to their full potential because of their limited upbringing.

I think it’s easier to say it’s nature, but ultimately it’s a huge mix of both.

Okay, but outside of poverty/abuse like you’re describing, parents have limited impact. My kids will never be incredible athletes. They just won’t! How they feel about that is something I can impact, but I can’t create athleticism.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you firmly in the "nature" camp, how do you not throw your hands up in the air on all the hard stuff, like helping a kid who struggles with executive functioning skills get through their homework or helping another kid with no athletic talent try to find a somewhat enjoyable sport? Why am I working so hard to save for college, shuttle kids to activities, pay for musical instruments, etc? Why not just focus on my hobbies and let the chips fall with the kids?

I do mostly let the chips fall with the kids. It’s the difference between being a gardener (creating stable, kind environment and letting kids grow) vs being a sculptor (thing I have to create the kid myself).

I think it’s a healthy balance of both. don’t you guys know ANY kid who has been greatly influenced by nurture?

Otherwise why do we fuss so much about not talking about weight because we worry about causing eating disorders?

We talk about encouraging growth mindset and effort instead of outcome based results so our kids have persistence and grit.

So many adults on this board talk about how their parents’ actions totally messed them up.

I work in a low income school. Most of those kids will not rise up to their full potential because of their limited upbringing.

I think it’s easier to say it’s nature, but ultimately it’s a huge mix of both.

Anonymous wrote:This is so apparent to me with kids eating preferences as well. I know so so many families (including my own) where there is one kids who eats everything and one or more that is the pickiest eater ever. Growing up in the same house with the same presentation of food choices. And you will have the parents that tell you it’s your fault that your kid is picky. Those same parents typically have one kid and just got lucky. For the record it was our first kid who eats everything 🙂.

Yup parent of one and been on the other side with know-all parent of two who are better eaters. I can change my picky eater only if I tried more 🙂

Nature. I have a friend with an adopted child. They were adopted at birth. Parents are PhD professors/scientists; very proper and strait laced.

Even at the age of 2, their child was drawn to cigarette butts in the ground and if we walked into a space smelling like cigarette smoke
Or weed, they’d inhale and exclaim how much they loved that smell.

As a teen now, to say there are a lot of challenges is an understatement

But most skills can be learned so I think it’s important to help them develop skills that they lack.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, the sweet realization that your carefully curated parenting strategies are basically like trying to steer a cargo ship with a pool noodle. Why bother? Let’s face it, they’re either going to thrive because of their nature or despite us. Might as well just buy popcorn, sit back, and watch the inevitable genetic rerun unfold. All this effort, and at best, we’re just mildly influencing their Spotify Wrapped.

That sentiment is too reductive and binary to be useful. Of course nature is a powerfull influence on a child’s development. Someone with terrible eye hand coordination is never going to be a great baseball player but maybe track is for them etc. most parents just want there kids to have happy productive lives- there’s a million ways to get there.

The interplay between nature and nurture is far more nuanced than either resignation to genetic determinism or the overly ambitious pursuit of crafting a perfect upbringing. To reduce parenting to a binary—either futile or omnipotent—disregards the intricate mosaic of influences that shape a child’s development.

While inherent traits undeniably set certain parameters, it is within the interplay of environment, opportunity, and guidance that the true richness of human potential unfolds. A parent’s role is neither to passively observe the "genetic rerun" nor to attempt to singularly engineer success, but rather to provide the scaffolding upon which their child can construct their own trajectory.

Parenting, at its core, is less about control and more about curation—an art that blends acceptance of innate qualities with the thoughtful cultivation of experiences that nurture growth and resilience. The notion that this influence is insignificant belies both psychological research and the profound responsibility inherent in shaping the foundation of another’s life.

Everything great about my kid is nurture.

All the annoying stuff is nature.

/half kidding

As a mom of three young ones, I'm firmly in the nature camp. But, I think nurture comes into play in terms of attachment style and ability to form healthy relationships throughout life. Like the way we parent can help set them up for to be their most healthy or unhealthy versions of themselves.