Do you have a job outside of the house? That can shift the dynamic of responsibility over to your husband.
It doesn't sound like he is burdened by the care requirements at all so - is he just not involved in her care and all the work is on you?

Anonymous wrote:What about a day program for the elderly? Some of them would even pick her up. It Definitely sounds like you need more time away from her in some form.

This is what I was coming to post. Something to keep her supervised on social during the day!

Sorry, I would never sacrifice my life like this, OP. Either she goes to a home or aides are hired to help.

Anonymous wrote:Op what you are feeling is normal. I feel this way about my own mother who has descended to stage 5/6 dementia. She would not have wanted this life.
You need and deserve a break. In home care to start.

I think this is the key here and people need to prepare better. Nobody is talking about it though.

I am not sure what you should do about your MIL's care.

But I DO think you should NOT feel guilty about your feelings. It's a burden to take care of a MIL with dementia and it is fine that you feel that way. There is a distinction between FEELINGS and ACTIONS. If you act resentful TOWARDS her to her face, well yeah, try to stop that. But FEELING that way, venting to a friend about that when you MIL can't hear you? That is FINE.

Yeah. DH needs to step up.

What you are doing is hard, and it’s taking a lot from your own life.

No one is going to care about your self-care unless you do. Once I stepped back a bit more, things got better.

Op, hugs. I don’t think you need to change your thoughts. They are very natural. It is hard and you are doing an amazing job.

Have you considered respite care? Sunrise and maybe others offer short stays for a weekend or so for you to catch your breath. We did that when I gave birth and my mom needed care. (Talk about sandwich generation)

Op what you are feeling is normal. I feel this way about my own mother who has descended to stage 5/6 dementia. She would not have wanted this life.
You need and deserve a break. In home care to start.

You are not a horrible person. You are a person caring for someone with a horrible, unforgiving disease and it is HARD. Find a support group for caregivers. Alzheimer's Association website or if you're in the DC area, Iona Senior Services are good sources. On many days, my caregiver's group was the only place I could breathe.

Your perspective is absolutely correct. And stop playing cards or knitting with her. Do the bare minimum and consider yourself a saint.

Anonymous wrote:There are adult "day care" centers where you can essentially drop off the elderly person for 6 hours per day.

I don't know if they need to meet some physical minimum threshold or what.

The daycares do have thresholds. It's good that she doesn't wander, but the fall risk may be an issue. Plus, this may not be a long term solution if she has already had Alzheimers for a while. The break would be amazing, but the reality when she no longer qualifies means she will be even harder to care for at home.

The problem is it's like the living frog placed in boiling water. By the time he realizes how bad it is, it's too late. The decline with Alzheimers is awful and caregivers break. You don't just sign up for Memory Care and end up there tomorrow. These conversations need to be moving forward and places explored. Your health could take turn for the worst from enough stress, ask me how I know. If she has a bad fall and ends up in the hospital, there won't be time to find the perfect facility. The wheels need to be in motion now because you don't want to see how bad this can get and I don't want to post how far it went with my own parents.

Finding people to play cards, getting DH to do more and tiny drops in the bucket. I don't believe in ultimatums, but I do believe in strong advocacy.

Also don't get stuck in this whole I'm a bad person mentality and people posting "No, you are a good person." Good people take care of their mental and physical health and you are struggling now. Don't get sucked into needing other people's approval to create a better situation. Nice people can turn into resentful, burned out and hateful people once things get bad enough. Don't let that happen. Advocate now. This isn't sustainable. Much easier to visit with a smile and love and then go home, then it is to manage all this in your home.

OP, you are already doing a lot and you are a good person. Unless there is more than what you posted, I am puzzled why your therapist suggested you give DH an ultimatum. That sounds extreme.

I agree that you need more companion care hours, and that DH needs to take on some of the card playing, etc in the evenings. And while you say it's not possible to place MIL in a Memory Care facility now, you should have a solid plan in place for the future, because you will certainly need a memory care facility at some point.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to stop thinking of this in such all-or-nothing terms. It's not 24/7 residential care vs. no help. It's not leaving your DH vs everything stays the same.

First, your DH needs to step up on spending time with her. He should be the one playing cards with her. If you need to exit the building and leave them alone together, do it.

Second, you can hire a companion to sit with her. That will give her fresh social interaction and free you up to be elsewhere in the house resting or getting things done. If this person is just sitting with her and isn't responsible for meds, feeding, toileting, etc. and is never alone in the building, it's a pretty cake job and easy to find.

I agree with all of this.

Also, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MARTYR YOURSELF FOR YOUR MIL. You are not a horrible person for not wanting an unforgiving and unrewarding job. Anyone who says they cheerfully and willingly take on this kind of care is masking the same way you put on a brave face for your friends.

There are adult "day care" centers where you can essentially drop off the elderly person for 6 hours per day.

I don't know if they need to meet some physical minimum threshold or what.