OP here-- I appreciate all the thoughtful comments and suggestions. It is so hard and I know it is not a one size fits all type of problem/solution. My DH, who I mentioned, is going through his own difficult moment but he has done a really good job at being present in front of the kids so I think the kids are pretty clueless to how much he is struggling. But we both work from home so when the kids go to school and we have a moment, we both end up in tears over this. However, in front of the kids, while we can express "we are sad" or "we are having a hard time", we don't let it derail the family time or let them know how much of a struggle it is right now.

My DS is like the kid that posters wrote about---he received the "student of the year" award, he is on the honor roll, has interests.... apparently none of that matters when something is chemically off. And while I am thankful the school has safety rails up and the counselor is so in tune with my son, he won't always have that available. We are just so scared.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid sounds like he has a lot of good things in his life. Unfortunately, the suicides I've known about happened with kids that had many strengths and positive aspects to their lives. So caution is warranted.

I would suggest that you screen and find some appropriate videos from suicide attempt survivors. Videos that convey a message you want to share with him. Ask him to watch them and discuss with you. Or watch them together. I have watched some of these. A lot say that they are grateful to be alive and that their suicide attempt was traceable to disordered thinking/lack of perspective. Maybe that's helpful. Kids like to learn from videos.

I am a bit leery of the counseling profession. I believe that genuinely loving and thoughtful conversations with parents can help with breakthroughs in thinking. So in addition to the professional help, maybe there are some additional resources you can bring to bear.

My kid (who has had issues, but is not suicidal) has benefitted from having online friends in Roblox. They are real kids and they have been a source of emotional support when local friends have let my son down. You might consider this within reason. There are okay games out there.

Also consider whether your son is overtired or has SAD. Maybe you could try a sunlight wakeup lamp as a mild intervention.

Beware of showing impulsive kids videos that normalize suicide attempts, proceed with caution. Also avoid suicide TikTok’s and anything that can be instructional (anything that is salacious or focuses on method of attempt).

PP. That's why I said the mom should screen ahead of time. I would recommend a book or article but kids don't read much. It's less realistic.

I agree caution is needed but I think it would help to have a common basis for discussion. Something that is not the child spilling their guts or probing them for thoughts they haven't even had.

Suicide is mentioned to middle schoolers a lot. In my state, ALL student IDs have to have a suicide hotline number on the back. Also students are trained to report on acquaintances they feel might be suicidal. Which actually caused a lot of emotional policing of my kid who was fine at home but hated middle school with a passion. He wasn't allowed to be regularly mopey in class without being reported. By mopey, I mean head down, frowning, disengaged. Where we live, it's considered necessary to smile while you're being fed s**t sandwiches. I helped fix it in one grade by making sure my kid had a haircut so the teacher could see his eyes and looking down/disengaged was less noticeable. How fake is that?

Middle school sucks. The worst year of my education was "good school" Robert Frost in Rockville. Lots going on. Parents can't control all of the variables. But you can try to reinforce a loving and open conversational bond with your kid. I find the testimony of suicide attempt survivors that I've seen to be tasteful and not detail-rich about the event. More informative about "why not to try". It's kind of like the LGBTQ "it gets better" campaign.

My best wishes to OP. Each situation is as individual as the child.

Anonymous wrote:This organization can provide resources.

https://www.natechutefoundation.org/

Thank you- this is very helpful.

This organization can provide resources.

https://www.natechutefoundation.org/

I'd love to see evidence that therapy is effective in these circumstances. Unfortunately, I think this trend to believe therapy is some kind of answer is unwise. For specific things, sure, but for teenage angst and random suicide search in a functional, close-knit family teenager? No. Better to get him into activities, move to an area with more friends, spend time as a family, etc. We know those things improve mental health--we don't know much about therapy at all.

My ex-boyfriend (from my early 20s) struggled with mental health for two decades. He tried medication, therapy, in-patient treatment. He was open about his illness and not resistant to any treatment. He ended his life by suicide at age 41. I miss him terribly, however, it was clear his brain just didn't work properly and he was miserable. I wish there had been another way to help him.

Take it seriously. There is a reason the school does. It is not a typical/normal search term.

I think the therapist will be a good guide to next steps. This is probably obvious but if you have guns in your house, make sure he has no access. If he has a knife (Swiss army or similar), take it away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a different opinion. I’m not sure we have evidence that talking about feeling bad helps a person feel better. I would be wary of putting my child with whom I have a close relationship and who has said there’s nothing to worry about into therapy where he will constantly be asked how he’s feeling. Sometimes it’s better for feelings to be pushed down. That’s what humanity has done for thousands of years. We all think about suicide, I did at 14. And guess what, no one could see any search results because they were done at the library or nowhere because no information existed. I would tread very carefully here.

This. Decent therapists are almost impossible to find. Do you talk every evening about his day?

While I do agree with this viewpoint under many circumstances, as soon as I learn that my kid is searching how to kill yourself, I’m running him to a therapist.

I think OP is taking the correct course of action.

Anonymous wrote:OP- my sister’s son exhibited no outward signs. He was funny, outgoing seemingly very well adjusted. None of us had any idea and it scared her that he could seem so “normal” while that deeply depressed. Thankfully, he eventually asked for help. He has treatment resistant depression and it’s been a long road and lots of experiments, but he’s doing well now.

Boys hide it very well. They often show very few signs. It’s scary.

I wish you the best.

This is my biggest fear. It’s like providing a loving environment isn’t enough. What is working for him now?

Anonymous wrote:Your kid sounds like he has a lot of good things in his life. Unfortunately, the suicides I've known about happened with kids that had many strengths and positive aspects to their lives. So caution is warranted.

I would suggest that you screen and find some appropriate videos from suicide attempt survivors. Videos that convey a message you want to share with him. Ask him to watch them and discuss with you. Or watch them together. I have watched some of these. A lot say that they are grateful to be alive and that their suicide attempt was traceable to disordered thinking/lack of perspective. Maybe that's helpful. Kids like to learn from videos.

I am a bit leery of the counseling profession. I believe that genuinely loving and thoughtful conversations with parents can help with breakthroughs in thinking. So in addition to the professional help, maybe there are some additional resources you can bring to bear.

My kid (who has had issues, but is not suicidal) has benefitted from having online friends in Roblox. They are real kids and they have been a source of emotional support when local friends have let my son down. You might consider this within reason. There are okay games out there.

Also consider whether your son is overtired or has SAD. Maybe you could try a sunlight wakeup lamp as a mild intervention.

Roblox???? Are you kidding? Just no. You have no idea who your child is interacting with.

Is he wondering if his depressed dad is going to commit suicide?

OP- my sister’s son exhibited no outward signs. He was funny, outgoing seemingly very well adjusted. None of us had any idea and it scared her that he could seem so “normal” while that deeply depressed. Thankfully, he eventually asked for help. He has treatment resistant depression and it’s been a long road and lots of experiments, but he’s doing well now.

Boys hide it very well. They often show very few signs. It’s scary.

I wish you the best.

Anonymous wrote:Your kid sounds like he has a lot of good things in his life. Unfortunately, the suicides I've known about happened with kids that had many strengths and positive aspects to their lives. So caution is warranted.

I would suggest that you screen and find some appropriate videos from suicide attempt survivors. Videos that convey a message you want to share with him. Ask him to watch them and discuss with you. Or watch them together. I have watched some of these. A lot say that they are grateful to be alive and that their suicide attempt was traceable to disordered thinking/lack of perspective. Maybe that's helpful. Kids like to learn from videos.

I am a bit leery of the counseling profession. I believe that genuinely loving and thoughtful conversations with parents can help with breakthroughs in thinking. So in addition to the professional help, maybe there are some additional resources you can bring to bear.

My kid (who has had issues, but is not suicidal) has benefitted from having online friends in Roblox. They are real kids and they have been a source of emotional support when local friends have let my son down. You might consider this within reason. There are okay games out there.

Also consider whether your son is overtired or has SAD. Maybe you could try a sunlight wakeup lamp as a mild intervention.

Beware of showing impulsive kids videos that normalize suicide attempts, proceed with caution. Also avoid suicide TikTok’s and anything that can be instructional (anything that is salacious or focuses on method of attempt).

Talking about suicide does not make it worse. There are good evidence based resources on how to talk to kids, here is one https://www.seattlechildrens.org/health-safety/mental-health-resources/preventing-suicide/

A friend of my sibling lost their teen to suicide. He was a senior. They were literally blindsided. He had no previous experience with mental illness and one day he was gone. This is not something to crowd source DCUM on. Shame on the armchair posters who think they know more than someone with a PhD in psychology (e.g. a therapist).

I'd try to figure out the root cause. I think people are too quick to jump to using that word. Also how he appears on the outside can be totally different than how he feels inside. Kids with social anxiety try to hide it and try to appear normal but often compare themselves to others and feel bad. He's also dealing with hormonal changes. I agree with the happy light suggestion. You can also give him vitamin D, make sure he sleeps enough, and I would limit social media. Also the problem with social anxiety is they don't want to talk about their feelings with a person as that can induce more shame.