Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has 5 mil. I'd hire caregivers to come to her house before moving her in with you.

We paid $31 per hour in rural MD for adult caregivers.

This this this this this. If her house is too big then buy a new small house near you but NOT YOUR OWN HOUSE. Once she is there it will be so hard for everyone in every way.

Ideally you can talk her into an independent living apartment that has facilities for memory care that she can move into when she declines. There's one by my parents that I wish they could afford. Has nice restaurants, an indoor pool, all kinds of activities, etc. All services can be organized through the facility - extra laundry or cleaning or shuttles to appointments.

I have posted before, but I don't recommend in home care. Not only is it more expensive, but it's awful. Caregivers are on rotation and one isn't supposed to leave until the other shows up and then a snowstorm comes or some other emergency and you get a call. They decline even faster without the group social interaction. It's not the same having a caregiver there paid to get along or a family member they feel too comfortable with as it is being surrounded by peers even with cognitive impairment. It's brighter and there are gardens and no home maintenance to worry about and dicey contractors. Plus, there are fewer eyes and ears on the caregiver to make sure things remain safe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has 5 mil. I'd hire caregivers to come to her house before moving her in with you.

We paid $31 per hour in rural MD for adult caregivers.

This this this this this. If her house is too big then buy a new small house near you but NOT YOUR OWN HOUSE. Once she is there it will be so hard for everyone in every way.

Ideally you can talk her into an independent living apartment that has facilities for memory care that she can move into when she declines. There's one by my parents that I wish they could afford. Has nice restaurants, an indoor pool, all kinds of activities, etc. All services can be organized through the facility - extra laundry or cleaning or shuttles to appointments.

I have posted before, but I don't recommend in home care. Not only is it more expensive, but it's awful. Caregivers are on rotation and one isn't supposed to leave until the other shows up and then a snowstorm comes or some other emergency and you get a call. They decline even faster without the group social interaction. It's not the same having a caregiver there paid to get along or a family member they feel too comfortable with as it is being surrounded by peers even with cognitive impairment. It's brighter and there are gardens and no home maintenance to worry about and dicey contractors. Plus, there are fewer eyes and ears on the caregiver to make sure things remain safe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has 5 mil. I'd hire caregivers to come to her house before moving her in with you.

We paid $31 per hour in rural MD for adult caregivers.

This this this this this. If her house is too big then buy a new small house near you but NOT YOUR OWN HOUSE. Once she is there it will be so hard for everyone in every way.

Ideally you can talk her into an independent living apartment that has facilities for memory care that she can move into when she declines. There's one by my parents that I wish they could afford. Has nice restaurants, an indoor pool, all kinds of activities, etc. All services can be organized through the facility - extra laundry or cleaning or shuttles to appointments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be careful. We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them. She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs. The neighbor took care of her for years. When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor. The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home. for your marriage or your kids. How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away? What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility. For their safety. Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety). They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline. Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline. So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

With $5 mill in the bank, the MiL can move into a nice facility, even in memory care. Our mom resisted, but when she finally moved into one, and it certainly wasn’t on a $5 mill budget, she really flourished. Even memory care units can have daily activities for residents. They were fairly robust where my mom was. She rarely joined in the arts/crafts/games, but she always sat at the table with others and chit chatted while they worked on projects. She did participate when they would have more physical activities in the round.

And I agree with the PP, if your MiL has been wandering around outside the home, she should not remain alone any longer.

You are truly fortunate that money is not an issue. That is how safety ends up being compromised for many seniors.

Agreed! My parents are in IL at a CCRC. The memory care portion has an amazing outdoor area, so when weather is nice, they spend time out there several times per day. they play games/activities throughout the day. The memory care portion has their own live in service dog---he's there to just help make the place a happier place (you have to give up your animals when you move out of IL, obviuosly). The doggie brings so much joy to the residents. Now yes, it's a very nice facility, but it is where I would want my parents or relatives when they need it. If a relative is leaving the home and confused, it is downright dangerous to leave them at home. And stressful for the caregiver(s). It will only get worse, and yes, I do think the social aspect of a home will help them maintain their mental acuities longer.

My parents are lucky---despite being poor (they never made more than $45K total between the two of them--now in mid 80s---I ate free lunch several years in public schools), they were extremely frugal and had over 3/4M saved (after selling their home). We had to pay the huge entry fee, but they also pay for LTC insurance and each have 3+ years should they need it. They planned to not be a burden to us kids. We paid the entry fee because we live on the other side of country---and they wouldnt' move to us. So we felt this was the best use of funds to ensure they are safe and well taken care of---if they need advanced care I don't have to fly there immediately---it will happen smoothly within 24 hours. And yes, then if one is in other care, they can visit daily, even taking the "one in care" back to IL for hours if it's "safe"/manageable

I am thankful everyday they planned well. They are living a nicer retirement than anything in their first 75 years of life.

Anonymous wrote:If she has 5 mil. I'd hire caregivers to come to her house before moving her in with you.

We paid $31 per hour in rural MD for adult caregivers.