Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 and he has zero issues on it despite the fact that his Dad was really unstable for a number of years.

Highly unlikely that there are zero issues....

I check in with him about needing support and he declines. He's a 3 season athlete and goes to TJ. He's kind and generous with others. I'm proud of who he has become.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.

I don’t think parents can really know what the impact will be for decades or that there is truly an age that is “best”.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and it was amicable, both parents have made major efforts to get along very well and they provided a stable upbringing to me and my sibling.

Even so, there are things that I didn’t process or deal with until much later in life, after I had my own kids.

I’m fine and I don’t feel deeply damaged or anything but there was an impact and, barring abuse, I would not ever get a divorce.

I don't say that to make anyone feel like they are the worst for divorcing, only to dispel the notion that kids don’t feel the effects for the rest of their lives.

*wide

1) This question is actually best for a wife swath of adult children of divorce, not divorced parents.
2) While there is no good age, some worthwhile notes in here about bad ages (ie freshman year of college)
3) It’s really and truly about how you navigate the post-divorce relationship with your former spouse, not the age of the kids. If one of you moves far away, trash talks the other parent, hops into a new relationship, shoves a “blended family” down the kids’ throat, can’t be civil at school and family events - the impact will be bad at any age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. It's been almost a decade and DC still has trouble with it, mainly not wanting to transition to the other home. I am unfortunately not able to get them outside support.

Why? Let me guess. Ex won’t agree.

PP - you are correct.

Sorry, btdt. That’s why I think divorcing with young kids is especially difficult. Even if you start off on the same page with parenting, inevitably things come up, and ‘joint legal custody’ acts as a veto over decisions like these.

Yup. Sorry you have been through it too. It's been very challenging and expensive to get medically recommended care (with more than one professional's input).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. It's been almost a decade and DC still has trouble with it, mainly not wanting to transition to the other home. I am unfortunately not able to get them outside support.

Why? Let me guess. Ex won’t agree.

PP - you are correct.

Sorry, btdt. That’s why I think divorcing with young kids is especially difficult. Even if you start off on the same page with parenting, inevitably things come up, and ‘joint legal custody’ acts as a veto over decisions like these.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. It's been almost a decade and DC still has trouble with it, mainly not wanting to transition to the other home. I am unfortunately not able to get them outside support.

Why? Let me guess. Ex won’t agree.

PP - you are correct.

Anonymous wrote:2. It's been almost a decade and DC still has trouble with it, mainly not wanting to transition to the other home. I am unfortunately not able to get them outside support.

Why? Let me guess. Ex won’t agree.

2. It's been almost a decade and DC still has trouble with it, mainly not wanting to transition to the other home. I am unfortunately not able to get them outside support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 and he has zero issues on it despite the fact that his Dad was really unstable for a number of years.

Highly unlikely that there are zero issues....

This.

^ kids are okay now but it impacted their entire childhood significantly

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

I would never suggest this age. My ex and I disagreed their entire childhood. Two people who can’t be married can’t necessarily agree on parenting issues. And if you think your ex and you will agree, let me tell you, you don’t know if people will change. It’s a major crap shoot that I would never recommend.

Anonymous wrote:3 and he has zero issues on it despite the fact that his Dad was really unstable for a number of years.

Highly unlikely that there are zero issues....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not have personal experience with this in my family, but I can say that as a college professor I have seen how parental divorce affects my students ranging from 18 to grad school and it can be very sad and have huge impacts. I think it is largely true that it depends on the specific situation and specific kid but I also think it's a significant misconception to say "wait until they're out of the house and it's going to be easier." I actually think many kids would do better to have a year to acclimate before being blindsided that their home "wasn't real" and they can never come back.

It doesnt have to be a surprise though. You can just tell them. And plenty of kids are aware the marriage is failing.

Parents are pretty good at lying.

Hence the trauma.

Right, or telling them is an option. It's only a surprise if both parents choose to make it a surprise.

For context, my parents didn't want me to change schools or deal with joint custody in high school, so I went to college knowing that this was the plan. Of course it was hard, it's always hard, but there was no surprise and no loss of innocence.