I just bought a plane ticket to attend a friend's mom's services but there are really only a few friends I would do that for.

I'm debating whether I will fly back for all my aunts and uncles (all similarly across the country and I have many).

I live locally but most of my HS friends are now in diff parts of the country. We are around 50 yo and many parents are dying. The sad reality is: I cannot take off work to go to all parents’ funerals each time someone returns home for their parent’s funeral. This is the sad side of being the local friend.

Let me share my experience. When my first parent died, a friend traveled 100 miles to attend the shiva, not the funeral. That was because she hoped to get business from my sibling. Ouch. We are no longer friends btw.

When my second parent died, a friend traveled 200 miles to attend the shiva. I appreciated, but didn’t get to spend any time with her. It was absolutely not expected and I might have valued a separate visit later. We are still friends.

My net net: you are obviously going to do something thoughtful, but attending is not it. Will the ceremony be available on Zoom? A thoughtful letter on paper about the parent, or even email, I guess, that is specific may be treasured and something only you can provide.

Anonymous wrote:If you were local or within a few hours drive, I would encourage you to go. But no, no one expects you to fly across the country for a friend’s parent’s funeral. That’s just not realistic.

Send a sympathy note instead. If you have an anecdote or special memory, or even an un-special memory of her dad, include that in the note. Knowing our loved ones are remembered by others is truly comforting.

+1

I wouldn’t go and wouldn’t expect anyone to do so. I’m about 50 and my friends’ parents are passing left and right. It didn’t even occur to me that friends might fly across country to my mom’s funeral. I would have felt terrible if they had. They were wonderful and supportive here at home. No need to travel.

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

+1
You will not regret showing up for people.

If within a few hours drive, I go. If not, I send flowers or a donation or food