Anonymous
11/10/2024 15:05
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
OP, do you not love him? I get that there isn’t an intellectual connection but if there isn’t an emotional connection that you are friends with benefits. Sounds like you want more. Why not break up and see what else is out there? YOLO
Anonymous
11/10/2024 14:58
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Hi OP. So sorry for your loss. Widow here too. My husband was not the most emotionally available person, and I do miss his companionship. A few years into the dating scene now in my late 40s, I'm finding the dating pool meager at best. I think the man you are with has some good qualities, but he will not and should not be your everything. If he is decent with travel, companionship, and finances, and he is an overall good guy, I think this is a good relationship. Find the deep conversations with friends and others capable of having them. Accept him for all that he is. Neither of you will likely change much. If you can accept his lack of emotional connection and satisfy your need for emotional connection with friends, ask yourself if the relationship is then sustaining. If not, you know what you should do sooner rather than later.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 13:19
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Anonymous wrote:Men are a dime a dozen. Why do you think you would have a problem finding a better match.
Finding a good man is harder
Anonymous
11/10/2024 12:53
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Men are a dime a dozen. Why do you think you would have a problem finding a better match.
NYC212718
11/10/2024 12:46
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Anonymous wrote:If you want deep conversations hire a therapist once a week.
I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to want to have deep conversations with. Telling someone to have those talks with a therapist is really dismissive.
NYC212718
11/10/2024 12:44
Subject: Re:Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
I've been divorced for over 15 years, had a few short relationships since.
I think the most important thing is to be happy with yourself ALONE. I'm not talking about loneliness which can exist even if you're with someone, I'm talking about being ALONE and HAPPY. Being alone and happy IS my anchor and my peace. It helps me realize that any man I now let into my life needs to ADD to my peace and not take away from it. Settling is not an option for me.
There are things I require, and I know it's not too much for me to ask. I'm not looking for a perfect man per se, but I am looking for a self aware man who TRIES to see outside of his own lens to make sure I'm getting my needs met as well. Honestly, men aren't hard to please, but women are hard to please based on the fact that most men don't have much emotional IQ. That is something they must work on in order to date me. And until then I will remain single and happy alone. I don't have to energy to raise a man to be an emotionally available man. That is something that must come from himself within, and I am worth it. This is just my take. I have settled in the past and I simply don't have the energy for that. Why should I pour energy into a man who can't pour energy into me?
I think the most important thing is to be happy with yourself ALONE. I'm not talking about loneliness which can exist even if you're with someone, I'm talking about being ALONE and HAPPY. Being alone and happy IS my anchor and my peace. It helps me realize that any man I now let into my life needs to ADD to my peace and not take away from it. Settling is not an option for me.
There are things I require, and I know it's not too much for me to ask. I'm not looking for a perfect man per se, but I am looking for a self aware man who TRIES to see outside of his own lens to make sure I'm getting my needs met as well. Honestly, men aren't hard to please, but women are hard to please based on the fact that most men don't have much emotional IQ. That is something they must work on in order to date me. And until then I will remain single and happy alone. I don't have to energy to raise a man to be an emotionally available man. That is something that must come from himself within, and I am worth it. This is just my take. I have settled in the past and I simply don't have the energy for that. Why should I pour energy into a man who can't pour energy into me?
Anonymous
11/10/2024 12:37
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
NP. The question is if you will get tired of him, if he will start annoying you. "Easy companionship" can descend into irritation very easily.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 12:35
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
He sounds like a friend with benefits. It's too bad you live together because that makes it difficult to find someone else that is more what you are looking for.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 12:05
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
He adds more then half of her living and travel expenses, gives good sex. Most 50+ women would be happy to have it . OP just still loves her exH and needs therapy
Or her BF actually is physically unattractive and irritates her - thus she feels contempt
This !!!
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:51
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
If you want deep conversations hire a therapist once a week.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:43
Subject: Re:Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Anonymous wrote:I was hoping that my companion for life would give me the deep emotional connection and conversation that I had with my husband.
It's not "the dating world" at 50. It's being 50. Part of you is mature. And oddly part of you is pretty immature ... "deep emotional connection". I doubt your husband would be -now- what you say, if he were right in front of you today.
I hate to say this but this post is starting to get to something I am feeling from your posts. No one is going to hit all the magical marks of your beloved dead husband. If he were here, he would be human and doing things that annoying and you would not have a 100% connection.
You have to stop comparing this guy to your husband.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:19
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
I am coming to the realization that you can feel very lonely even sitting in the room with your partner, taking trips with them, talking about the news, whatever. Cut and run. No need to settle. I'm older than you and I'm not giving up.Anonymous wrote:Looking for advice on whether to "settle" or try to see if I can find a better match.
I'm a woman in my mid 50s, with grown children. I was widowed in my mid 40s and began dating again at 50. I've been in a relationship with someone for four years now with a man a few years older than me, and we started living together three years ago. Our relationship started out strong but over time has weakened. Hes nice, funny, and loyal, but he doesn't offer much in terms of emotional connection. On weekends he likes to watch sports and he spends a lot of time on the couch doing that. I like talking about books and current events and he's not into that. We have fun together but it's superficial.
Our relationship is pleasant but he's not the soulmate that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I think a lot about the deep conversations and talking for hours that I had with my late husband, and I wonder if I could find that again.
If I were i younger, I think I could have a chance of finding that. But in my mid 50s, the dating pool is very small and the options are so limited. The men I know in this age group who are single have major baggage or issues.
Is the wise decision to give up on the soulmate idea and be happy with a so-so relationship that is more about easy companionship than deep connection? Or risk trying to find that and potentially lose a "good enough" relationship?
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:16
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
I'm in your position except 10 years younger, and I've decided to stay put. I'm very pessimistic about finding someone better, and I absolutely want a partner (despite being an independent introvert). It is demoralizing to always wonder if I could have found someone more intellectually stimulating, but then I remember how few men I find physically attractive, and they'd have to be attracted to me too, and we'd have to be able to live together compatibly, and it just seems too great a risk to give up what I have.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:05
Subject: Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
Anonymous wrote:Would being alone be better than remaining in this relationship?
Definitely not. I like being with someone and having a companion and I would be unhappy on my own. But this is not the soulmate long-term relationship that I wanted and dreamed of, the deep connection with someone in my "old "years.
Anonymous
11/10/2024 11:03
Subject: Re:Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?
I was hoping that my companion for life would give me the deep emotional connection and conversation that I had with my husband.
It's not "the dating world" at 50. It's being 50. Part of you is mature. And oddly part of you is pretty immature ... "deep emotional connection". I doubt your husband would be -now- what you say, if he were right in front of you today.