Anonymous wrote:Went to dinner to celebrate narcissist MIL’s birthday. Over 20+ years of being with my spouse, I’ve basically learned to distance myself/gray rock her, and it generally works fine in terms of no drama, etc. We only have occasion to see her about once/month and DH also doesn’t want more interaction with her than that.

During dinner, DH mentioned family members that apparently have gray rocked MIL....

Now I’m left wondering, is someone like her (a classic narcissist) clueless as to how terrible they are?

DH was fine. Selfish people are not always clueless. It is simply exhausting for everyone to deal with them. I'd need a searchable document/spreadsheet open during each conversation for 1 individual.

Level of terror for me re Thanksgiving escalated 1000%. No out unless as hosting a household member gets covid, flu, etc.

I have a family member who has narcissistic tendencies. She also says she doesn't know why various family members have cut her off. I maintain relationships with all of them, and none of them have brought it up to me. The narcissist raises it to me frequently, and wonders why various people don't speak to her. To me, it is blindingly obvious why this has happened, but I say nothing. Just wanted to share that I too wonder if the narcissist is completely clueless, or just trying to suck me into the drama and try and get me to take a side.

I sympathize with you; it is exhausting trying to guess what topics are "safe." And also exhausting trying to figure out how much pity to take on the narcissist because maybe they really are just clueless about how they treat others.

Agreed. Way to add fuel to the flames. He knew they cut her off so it was completely unnecessary to mention it.

Anonymous wrote:Why would your husband make such an inflammatory comment on her birthday? She’s no longer clueless! The fuse has now been lit on a big family squabble. Cue the popcorn!

+1. A cruel and unnecessary remark.

They are not clueless, not deep inside. Their reasoning is so off that they invent fake narratives why people are mean to them.

Anonymous wrote:The people like that in my life just change the narrative, make themselves perpetual victims and vilify whoever distanced. They aren't clueless. It's all about image and ego protection. Plus they bounce back. There is always a new person to prey upon, charm and use and possibly discard if not discarded first. It is interesting once you understand what is going on to just detach and be an observer while you keep all convos boring and simple.

Yes like at work when someone leaves any future problem is their fault no matter how small their involvement

The people like that in my life just change the narrative, make themselves perpetual victims and vilify whoever distanced. They aren't clueless. It's all about image and ego protection. Plus they bounce back. There is always a new person to prey upon, charm and use and possibly discard if not discarded first. It is interesting once you understand what is going on to just detach and be an observer while you keep all convos boring and simple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clinically speaking, they are TOO aware of how awful they are, and this is the thought that runs through their minds constantly. This is how they think of themselves. Narcs have extremely low self esteem and self image. Yes, they are all too aware of how awful they are.

no, I don’t think this is true. they don’t consciously think this. they see everything through the distorted lens of how great they are and how every one else is not. (also a BPD characteristic.) no true narcissist or BPD is thinking about how terrible they are all the time.

No. They are victims in their minds. They are stars in their minds. Everyone is waiting for them to show up and happy to wait.
(really. I know them)

That’s why Trump tells his attendees that he knows they don’t mind waiting for him when he’s late…