No, mine is [mostly] lovely and really fun to be around. She has her moments though, mostly around self confidence and fighting with her sister.

So my 7 year old (Autism, possible ADHD...getting evaluated) has been like this for the past few months and it has been absolutely miserable to deal with. Lots of screaming and everyone mad at each other.

It finally got to the point on Tuesday night that I did take away all screens. Oh my goodness. Two days and it has been night and day. He's supposed to earn back screen time tomorrow, but now I don't want to because he's actually been back to my normal child without the screens. I truly didn't think it had as much of an impact as it obviously has.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not disagree more with the people saying get a neuropsych. This is not adhd or anxiety. My DS has both. It's just bad behavior.

Eh, just because you have kids with diagnoses does not make you an expert. Various disorders can manifest themselves in different ways. I don't know what is going on with OP's kid but agree it seems out of the bounds of "normal" and would talk to my pediatrician about next steps.

No but people are so quick to jump to ADHD/ASD for bad behavior. On some level I get it - it is comforting to think your kid has a disorder rather than you aren't doing a good job parenting them. But this to me sounds like OP is experiencing the fruits of extremely permissive parenting.

So invoking more punishments will stop the meltdowns?

Honestly maybe?

+1. Barring a diagnosible difference, most kids respond really well to boundaries and knowing what the consequences are. A punishment shouldn't be putative, but a consequence designed to grow and teach and reinforce behavior.

If my 8 year old - who is quite strong willed - told me to shut up she would be the one leaving the table, not me. Or there would be extra chores. If she was throwing a fit at the park I'd pick her up and buckle her into her booster and we'd go home where she'd finish the fit (if it had not already stopped) in her room alone until she was ready to discuss in a normal manner. If she made a rude comment she'd be losing a privilege.

Also OP - your kid does not hate you. She's acting out looking for a boundary, looking for you to be the parent.

It might sound kind of odd to suggestion fiction as a parenting manual, but it seems like the book "Understood Betsy" might be good for you.

Anonymous wrote:Take away screens!

100+

You should look into parent behavioral coaching — look up Mindy Grass, MrChazz, etc (on insta). It is normal for kids for test boundaries of what is right and wrong - your job is to guide, model behavior. She is clearly having a bad day, so why not ask her how she is feeling?

I think you should also look into a therapist for yourself. fya, your reaction (and your daughter’s reaction) is called parentifying — instead of you giving her emotional space and guidance, you had and outburst (crying, “cold shoulder”) and has to soothe you. That is really unhealthy and damaging long term. I grew up with an emotionally immature mother who felt every normal child behavior was a personal attack on her, and my whole life became about making her happy. It destroyed my life for many years and has ruined our relationship. She is still relatively young so there is time to change

Maybe also read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immatue Parents” and see if anything resonates. It is likely something you learned from your parents and it will take effort for you to break the cycle

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old tantrums and yells but it’s not new behavior and she has autism, anxiety, and ADHD. Is this new for your daughter? Do you think she needs to be assessed?

Also, it would be much better if you DID yell at her than if you leave the table to cry and come back to announce you are withholding affection. What was that? You can’t do that, OP.

It seems to me that both OP and the daughter would benefit from therapy at a minimum.

My 8 year old tantrums and yells but it’s not new behavior and she has autism, anxiety, and ADHD. Is this new for your daughter? Do you think she needs to be assessed?

Also, it would be much better if you DID yell at her than if you leave the table to cry and come back to announce you are withholding affection. What was that? You can’t do that, OP.

Check out some podcasts that deal with emotional, high strung kids, like the Calm Parenting Podcast or Dr. Becky. My kids were really different in temperament and the one who was anxious and less able to deal with things not going his way required a different approach than my more easygoing one.

Was your daughter a joy a few months ago? If so, it may be early puberty. If not, it may be a parenting or biological issue such as ADHD. I think most people misunderstand gentle parenting. It’s not meant to be permissive parenting, but usually turns into it. Permissive isn’t great in anyone’s book.

If you are gentle, that is fine. However, also make sure you are consistent, firm, have high expectations and have clear rules. For example, in our house, we use kind words. When someone cannot use kind words, they cannot be at the table. Set the child aside for 5 mins, and if the child uses kind words, the child can return. Repeat as needed with longer breaks if needed. The child may have an extinction burst, which is basically a major temper tantrum when she learns she can’t have her way, but the extinction burst should only last for one day. Do not address anything she says during the tantrum. Make her sit aside until she can be kind.

OR take a parenting class.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not disagree more with the people saying get a neuropsych. This is not adhd or anxiety. My DS has both. It's just bad behavior.

Eh, just because you have kids with diagnoses does not make you an expert. Various disorders can manifest themselves in different ways. I don't know what is going on with OP's kid but agree it seems out of the bounds of "normal" and would talk to my pediatrician about next steps.

No but people are so quick to jump to ADHD/ASD for bad behavior. On some level I get it - it is comforting to think your kid has a disorder rather than you aren't doing a good job parenting them. But this to me sounds like OP is experiencing the fruits of extremely permissive parenting.

So invoking more punishments will stop the meltdowns?

Honestly maybe?

It can be normal. Remember girls are going through puberty earlier and earlier. It’s not like when we were kids and most girls started their periods at 12-14 and hit the emotional “tween” stage at 10-11. She could start her period at 10 so just be prepared. I think it’s probably hormones ramping up or anxiety or both.

I do think you need to be the adult and get more of a hold of your emotions and reactions. An 8 year old should not be “making you cry” and you should not be saying or thinking “she clearly hates me.” That’s ridiculous and when your kid absorbs those messages from their parent, it’s hugely damaging. Like “needs therapy in their college years and then again when they become parents because all the bad feelings come up again” levels of therapy. And now it sounds like you’re giving her the silent treatment - she’s just a kid! You have to move on from this. If you think cutting back on Tv/youtube would help I would do that. Get her some activities she can do on her own if you find her unpleasant to be around. 8 year old girls love crafts and making stuff. They still like to play outside and ride bikes. Get her one of those smart soccer ball things and she can practice ball skills. On days off school like now, look for day camps for different subjects - the kids cooking/baking ones are really popular. She gets out of the house and no one is pushing each others buttons.