Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

OP here. Thanks, this is helpful. I think she knows all of this, since DH and I have made a point to discuss bullying and its negative effects with her before. I feel like she's a little too old to "punish" in the traditional sense of the word- grounding her or taking away things is only going to make her feel angry at me. I don't want all of her focus to be on hating me- she needs to feel accountable. I have no problem being the bad cop, though.

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

OP here. Thanks, this is helpful. I think she knows all of this, since DH and I have made a point to discuss bullying and its negative effects with her before. I feel like she's a little too old to "punish" in the traditional sense of the word- grounding her or taking away things is only going to make her feel angry at me. I don't want all of her focus to be on hating me- she needs to feel accountable. I have no problem being the bad cop, though.

Anonymous wrote:I would come down on this like a ton of bricks. I can tell you care and want to nip this. Go hard core to prove the importance of your values. This is a great teaching opportunity for you. My kid would lose the phone for 2 weeks and I would be monitoring closely any future use. She would NOT be allowed to be part of that chain in the future. New friends might also be a requirement depending on the situation.

Anonymous wrote:Who pays for the phone? Your daughter shouldn’t have some expectation of privacy that her shit stirring messages wouldn’t be read. You better read them first before some parent screen shots it and sends to the school for bullying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

Do you think that girl would appreciate that if she saw it? OP is lucky this hasn’t blown up in her daughter’s face yet, but it will. And no, that kind of comment isn’t exactly normal in the first place.

The picture thing is snotty, but honestly the comments, or excluding other girls in a smaller chat is nothing new. This happened, minus the technology, when I was this age in the 80s. We wrote notes to each other, and we'd say not-very-nice things about other girls. Or in groups, we'd talk about other girls in catty and obnoxious ways. This is as old as time.

At the ripe old age of my mid-50s, looking back I wish I hadn't been so catty and obnoxious. I was also on the other end of it too as the target of unflattering comments and I know talked about behind my back, but I wish I had been more secure and didn't feel the need to do it myself.

That said, the difference today is this can all be screenshotted and shared very widely. OP should definitely talk to her DD about being kind to others, never knowing what someone else is going through, even the girls she may think are a worthy target are figuring out life too and deserve grace. But also point out that life comes as you fast, and the girl who you're gossiping about now could end up being her best friend down the line, and what if someone shares screen shots of what you've said? It's like when the notes we passed in class back in the olden days were intercepted and shared with the target. I was mortified when that happened one time and it did give me a wake-up call.

The sentiments might be the same but the technology is obviously not. If my friend tried to rat me out because of something I said over the phone I could just deny it back then. Now, there are receipts. So kids have to adapt. If you want to talk shit about your friends don’t do it in such a way that can easily be tracked back to you. Kids need to beat over the head with this over and over again. I don’t think my parents ever had to talk to me about being nice on the phone or passing notes. That stuff almost never came back to you or you could just deny it and call someone a liar then its she said, she said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

OP here. Thanks, this is helpful. I think she knows all of this, since DH and I have made a point to discuss bullying and its negative effects with her before. I feel like she's a little too old to "punish" in the traditional sense of the word- grounding her or taking away things is only going to make her feel angry at me. I don't want all of her focus to be on hating me- she needs to feel accountable. I have no problem being the bad cop, though.

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

Do you think that girl would appreciate that if she saw it? OP is lucky this hasn’t blown up in her daughter’s face yet, but it will. And no, that kind of comment isn’t exactly normal in the first place.

The picture thing is snotty, but honestly the comments, or excluding other girls in a smaller chat is nothing new. This happened, minus the technology, when I was this age in the 80s. We wrote notes to each other, and we'd say not-very-nice things about other girls. Or in groups, we'd talk about other girls in catty and obnoxious ways. This is as old as time.

At the ripe old age of my mid-50s, looking back I wish I hadn't been so catty and obnoxious. I was also on the other end of it too as the target of unflattering comments and I know talked about behind my back, but I wish I had been more secure and didn't feel the need to do it myself.

That said, the difference today is this can all be screenshotted and shared very widely. OP should definitely talk to her DD about being kind to others, never knowing what someone else is going through, even the girls she may think are a worthy target are figuring out life too and deserve grace. But also point out that life comes as you fast, and the girl who you're gossiping about now could end up being her best friend down the line, and what if someone shares screen shots of what you've said? It's like when the notes we passed in class back in the olden days were intercepted and shared with the target. I was mortified when that happened one time and it did give me a wake-up call.