Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

I think this is the answer. Find a way to be happy and stay married. Your spouse is not always going to be at their best. You are not going to be blissful all the time. But if you are committed to the marriage, you will stay married. And that’s really the secret.

Both of us -
- similar SES,
- highly educated
- same values and morals
- super spiritual
- well matched in looks
- come from intact families
- have supportive and well-knit family of origin
- same political views
- no cheating, abuse, addiction. Very careful about keeping away from vices.
- have same child-rearing philosophies. Give love, time and security to children. Pay for college, car and wedding etc. Give equally to all children after death etc.

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

+1

Even though we did not start off in traditional roles, once kids came along and grandparents became old, the traditional roles were the only one that worked.

Also, when I was working, I did not respect the money that my DH was bringing home and I was not respecting the money I was making, because we had lots of cash and very little time. I was very free with throwing money at every problem I had. As a result, the fact that at home it was not a 50-50 sharing of work especially when kids came into the picture made me super resentful. Both of us were short of time, stressed and unhappy. Both of us were lacking time and the work of taking care of kids, household, social obligation was like a huge burden on our head. We also wanted to spend time with our kids and not have someone else raise them, so our money was not able to buy us the time we needed, even after outsourcing low-skilled jobs like housekeeping.

Now I am at home, I am ok with a more uneven sharing of domestic work. Even 70-30 work share is palatable to me. I am still outsourcing cleaning etc, so that I have more time at home. I also have access to the money and assets we have - equally. Just like my DH enjoys the well run household and well raised kids - equally.

We were really good friends for a few years before we got together and I think that really helped. Starting with a great friendship just made things easy and comfortable and we’ve been able to maintain that over many years in addition to many of the points already noted. I guess the only mystery was sexual compatibility and we got that answer on our first date.

Anonymous wrote:I did everything right and he still left. You can’t control other people or outcomes.

+1

I am married 20 years but agree with above poster. There are many things out of your control that you cannot see coming. Luck plays a bigger part than you'd think. In my opinion, people with long-term marriages with no major problems got lucky, and to think otherwise is to be pretty smug.

Here are my suggestions:

-Have low expectations

-Ride out the hard times/be patient with you partner, and understand there are "seasons"

-Don't keep score. There are times when you will be carrying the majority of the load, and times when they will. It won't usually be 50/50

-Have as much sex as possible... there are times when that is the only thing that will bring you together... And a sub-point... don't marry someone you are not physically attracted to or don't have chemistry with. This will make the sex part hard.

-Mental illness can absolutely wreck everything (and can be hard to see initially) but I would also not discount someone with it (or who has it in their family) as you could also be passing up on a great person. Realistically, some type of mental illness is somewhere in almost every family.

-Having money helps a lot. More of an observation than a suggestion.

-Hope you get lucky

We are both low maintenance, we are in sync on money matters, we might disagree but we never argue, our kids are adults but we agreed on child rearing, we are independent sorts with different hobbies, we love our time together but like our alone time, we always go to bed together, weekly sex is a must and we have great respect for each others intelligence and capabilities.

-Don’t sweat the small stuff.
-We make each other laugh.
-Being comfortable in our own skin. Neither of us have FOMO or are worrying if we are enough.
-Definitely trade off the parenting stuff. We each step in and out. Like my wife took the lead with college applications with our son, but I’ve been the main person dealing with our daughter on that.

32 years

Being willing to be alone versus with someone I felt I was comprising on. I had just had a bad breakup at 26 when I met my now DH and hadn’t been planning to date again so soon, but it felt like a good fit.

Also, I noticed that while his roommates were slobs, his room and bathroom were clean and he cleaned up after himself in the kitchen. He did his own laundry, etc. I had no interest in dating a guy who is a project.

And I think this is huge — I dated older. My DH was 32 (6 years older than me). He was ready for marriage/kids and had a decent career started.

We met when we were both 24 and in a PhD program. We were friends for a while before we started dating and married 4 years later, so we didn’t rush into anything. We were compatible and we have learned to be flexible over time. We’re not perfect and it’s okay. We also genuinely enjoy spending time with each other but are also okay with giving each other space. It’s a matter of luck too.

We both don’t sweat the small stuff and do our best to show up 100% for each other every day. We have complementary skill sets and interests.

We’re also both neurodivergent, but very tolerant of each other’s quirks.

20 years together.

In retrospect, it was luck that we both had a growth mindset. We both had some childhood and relationship baggage, both made mistakes in communication in the early days, and especially with young kids. But we both acknowledged flaws and mistakes and worked on being a better partner. That only comes with a growth mindset.

Both have a side piece

Married for 30 years. Obviously being compatible in general helps. I also think both people need to be mature enough not to sweat the small stuff, not to be insecure if you aren’t together 24/7, and know how and when to pick your battles.

Both highly tolerant and take a live and let live approach to life.

Happy for the other person to be happy and don’t stand in their way. Each of us is an individual.

We do not sweat the small stuff, at all.

Lots of dessert and small indulgences along the way. Life is too short to not enjoy every day.

38 years.

Clear assignments of tasks and areas of responsibilities. Doesn't need to be gender-traditional, but we know who's responsible for what and we are 100% reliable in our agreed upon tasks. The person who does the work must listen to input but we don't micromanage.