Anonymous
10/21/2024 09:04
Subject: S/o is the problem intensive parenting or lack of support?
I think you have to define what you mean by intensive parenting.
I am an intensive parent in that I am present and involved in my child's life. I know what she's working on in school and help her with homework and I am aware of what she's going through socially and emotionally to a much greater degree than my parents ever were. As a parent I think about how family decisions like where we live or what jobs we have will impact her and my spouse and I take that into account. Our household revolves around collective family time and needs as opposed to just parental needs which makes our home feel a lot more "kid-oriented" than mine did growing up. I am closer to and have a better relationship with my DD than I ever had with my own parents.
But I think some people think intensive parenting means catering to your kids endlessly or spending tons of money and time on their activities and we don't do that stuff. Our kid has chores. We have firm limits on what we spend money on. We will not do travel sports because we think it's too intensive and hard on families. We won't bankrupt ourselves or give up our own mental health to provide additional opportunities for our kid -- there has to be balance and we also matter in the family. It's not all for DD.
We don't really have any support from family (or "community" whatever that means in this context) but we only had one kid so this doesn't feel like a huge burden except during the pandemic but I mean who felt really well supported and happy during the pandemic?
I am an intensive parent in that I am present and involved in my child's life. I know what she's working on in school and help her with homework and I am aware of what she's going through socially and emotionally to a much greater degree than my parents ever were. As a parent I think about how family decisions like where we live or what jobs we have will impact her and my spouse and I take that into account. Our household revolves around collective family time and needs as opposed to just parental needs which makes our home feel a lot more "kid-oriented" than mine did growing up. I am closer to and have a better relationship with my DD than I ever had with my own parents.
But I think some people think intensive parenting means catering to your kids endlessly or spending tons of money and time on their activities and we don't do that stuff. Our kid has chores. We have firm limits on what we spend money on. We will not do travel sports because we think it's too intensive and hard on families. We won't bankrupt ourselves or give up our own mental health to provide additional opportunities for our kid -- there has to be balance and we also matter in the family. It's not all for DD.
We don't really have any support from family (or "community" whatever that means in this context) but we only had one kid so this doesn't feel like a huge burden except during the pandemic but I mean who felt really well supported and happy during the pandemic?
Anonymous
10/21/2024 08:32
Subject: S/o is the problem intensive parenting or lack of support?
I’d love to make adult friends but get the impression that friendships are mostly about children. Most moms I know seem to completely lose themselves to motherhood. I truly don’t understand it and assume there’s something wrong with me because I love my kids but don’t completely revolve my life around them.
I enjoy going out to eat, grabbing drinks, sports, traveling etc. Thankfully my DH enjoys the same because no one else seems to want to do these things with me.
Just last weekend I met a new neighbor who paid $3.4 mm in cash for her home. She has a FT nanny and a PT job. I mentioned I was going out to dinner that evening with my DH, and her response was “oh that’s so nice you do date nights. We haven’t been out together in ages.” It’s not time or money that’s keeping this couple from spending time together. If she can’t go to dinner with her own spouse there is little hope she’d want to spend time with me without her kids. My only hope for a friendship with her would be a family activity but it’s difficult to hold a conversation with young kids around.
Does anyone know what’s going on? Why would someone spend their 20s and early 30s socializing, have kids, and then never socialize again unless kids are around??
I enjoy going out to eat, grabbing drinks, sports, traveling etc. Thankfully my DH enjoys the same because no one else seems to want to do these things with me.
Just last weekend I met a new neighbor who paid $3.4 mm in cash for her home. She has a FT nanny and a PT job. I mentioned I was going out to dinner that evening with my DH, and her response was “oh that’s so nice you do date nights. We haven’t been out together in ages.” It’s not time or money that’s keeping this couple from spending time together. If she can’t go to dinner with her own spouse there is little hope she’d want to spend time with me without her kids. My only hope for a friendship with her would be a family activity but it’s difficult to hold a conversation with young kids around.
Does anyone know what’s going on? Why would someone spend their 20s and early 30s socializing, have kids, and then never socialize again unless kids are around??
Anonymous
10/21/2024 08:27
Subject: S/o is the problem intensive parenting or lack of support?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.
Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.
I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.
I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.
Yeah people always say it takes a village. Where is that village? It’s either people with family around OR it’s a mantra repeated by users who take advantage of others’ time and energy.
I'm a little sad reading this .. you don't have friends?
If a friend asks for help it's taking advantage?
You should share that with your therapist.
Different PP, but everyone I know who raves about a “village” is a user. It’s fine to ask for help, but the type to repeatedly need help and assistance while never returning the favor is a user.
Then you just need to find someone who has the love language of acts of service. I definitely give more than I get because I like to.