Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

That's not a normal schedule for most that work. you are fortunate.

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Because a kid is "raised" by the age of 5? Is that how it works? There is nothing left to do after the age of 5? And where are all those daycare employees after the kid starts elementary school? if they were "raising kids" wouldn't they need to stay involved? Shouldn't they be paying bills and making sure the kid has shelter, clothing, goes to school, does their homework, has a moral compass?

No what people like you don't want to admit, is that the first few years are basic caregiving and essentially any kind and normal person who likes kids is equally as good as a parent at caregiving for 8 hours a day. But in polite society this will hurt feelings.

The actual raising of kids and doing the tough work starts when kids are elementary school age and older. When moral and ethical situations creep into children's lives. That's where the real parenting happens.

Mom of two teens here with two observations:

1) my kids friends are all really great, smart, well mannered, kind kids. I couldn’t tell you which ones had SAHMs and which ones had WOHMs if I didn’t know their parents (I know many but not all and it’s a mix of both working and non working parents - they all raised awesome kids).


2) this concept of raising your own children is a relatively new phenomenon. Ever heard of the term “it takes a village”? I also have seen some studies that say that working parents now spend significantly more time with their children than stay at home moms did 20-30 years ago. Probably because there isn’t really a village anymore.

It is a true statement as young children’s minds are sponges and whomever is with them during their waking hours are the ones guiding each interaction, instilling values, providing emotional support and comfort, engaging their minds and bodies in stimulating activities, responding to them etc.

However kids have been raised by people other than their parents solely since time immortal. In many multi generational
Homes or family based cultures, grandparents and aunt and uncles and cousins do a lot of the raising. The idea that a child should be raised only by parents is pretty foreign.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

People who are comfortable in their choices in life don't speak that way. Polite people don't speak that way.

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we don't say that to parents when their kids are in elementary school, but apparently using childcare before K is abandoning your kids. OK.

I don't get offended per se, but I know that means I'm talking to someone who's either judging me as an absent mom, or is just so tone deaf that she (in my experience women only say this to other women) didn't even think about the other person in the conversation. So it does impact my opinion of them a little.

Those mommies are in the school all day long so they can keep an eye on their kids, don't you worry about them.

*Same mommies who won't let working parents on the PTO.

This thread was so predictable. Yawn.

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

Weird though—
Because if you are an attorney and someone else offers to go to court in your place because you really need to be elsewhere taking care of your kid…but then you decide to decline their offer because you “don’t want someone else to try my case”—-that’s valid, right?
So why isn’t it valid the other way around?

What is this bizarre strawman. I’m not an attorney, work in corporate America, but I’ve definitely moved meetings or sent delegates because I wanted to do kid-related stuff instead. If I have meetings after school pick-up time they are taken outdoors from the playground.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not offended at all. Someone just said this to me and I said, oh I’m thrilled to drop my kids at daycare every day. Love my nice quiet office and my job. And yep I don’t even WFH.

I don’t feel insecure about it at all though. I think it offends you if you feel insecure about your own choices. I know myself and I’d be unhappy and therefore not a great parent if I was with my kids 24-7.

How sad for your kids.
But cool for you I guess.

+1
Religion of self 100%

Anonymous wrote:I’m not offended at all. Someone just said this to me and I said, oh I’m thrilled to drop my kids at daycare every day. Love my nice quiet office and my job. And yep I don’t even WFH.

I don’t feel insecure about it at all though. I think it offends you if you feel insecure about your own choices. I know myself and I’d be unhappy and therefore not a great parent if I was with my kids 24-7.

How sad for your kids.
But cool for you I guess.

Anonymous wrote:It's true.

I just don't feel bad about it. It's hard to impart your values in your kids if they spend 8+ hours a day away from you.

I just hope I chose care givers with similar values.

+100
Don’t be shocked if your kids take in the values and teachings of someone else that they spend 8-12 hours a day with.
Whether it’s you or someone else—Choose wisely. Influence is powerful.

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

Weird though—
Because if you are an attorney and someone else offers to go to court in your place because you really need to be elsewhere taking care of your kid…but then you decide to decline their offer because you “don’t want someone else to try my case”—-that’s valid, right?
So why isn’t it valid the other way around?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

Who cares? They are beneath my notice. NP

Just like your kids!

Nice retort… I guess?

It's true.

I just don't feel bad about it. It's hard to impart your values in your kids if they spend 8+ hours a day away from you.

I just hope I chose care givers with similar values.