Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to tell him exactly what you want, then he’s not putting thought into it and doesn’t know you well enough or care enough to make the effort. This isn’t loading the dishwasher, it’s her 50th birthday and she deserves more than a pie

Ah, here we go with the “if he really loved me he could read my mind” school of thought. So exhausting.

You must be exhausted from continually justifying him doing nothing. We are not talking about mind reading here-just basic consideration of what your life partner might want to do and/or receive as a gift for her 50th birthday.

I’m almost 50 and I truly don’t want a party. I do want an epic trip with either just the immediate family or friends, probably will do both.

Anonymous wrote:If you have to tell him exactly what you want, then he’s not putting thought into it and doesn’t know you well enough or care enough to make the effort. This isn’t loading the dishwasher, it’s her 50th birthday and she deserves more than a pie

Sounds like a recipe to be perpetually disappointed!

Some men are better at this than others. My ex got me a $25 Starbucks gift card for my 40th. I had given birth 6 weeks earlier so I didn’t want to travel. A nice meal and a big gift would’ve been nice.

I’m somewhat scarred by this and try to give DH ideas and tell him my expectations in advance. He’s awesome. I planned a family trip to a resort over the summer as my big gift. DH was traveling on the actual day. He sent me a big bouquet of flowers - I hinted I wanted this in advance. I had a friend fly into town and we ate a nice meal. When DH returned home he took me to dinner and gave me a diamond necklace.

I consider the birthday to be the month. Plan something awesome for yourself!

Mine sent me flowers and told me to go out to dinner myself. I was traveling for work on the actual day.
Men celebrate their 50th bigger than women do usually.

Anonymous wrote:If you have to tell him exactly what you want, then he’s not putting thought into it and doesn’t know you well enough or care enough to make the effort. This isn’t loading the dishwasher, it’s her 50th birthday and she deserves more than a pie

Ah, here we go with the “if he really loved me he could read my mind” school of thought. So exhausting.

If you have to tell him exactly what you want, then he’s not putting thought into it and doesn’t know you well enough or care enough to make the effort. This isn’t loading the dishwasher, it’s her 50th birthday and she deserves more than a pie

Just curious, is DH 50 yet? If so OP, what did you do for him? Or what has he seen modeled elsewhere, for example in his family of origin or with other friends? Also, as many others have said here, birthday season is longer than a day in my book. You are in control of your own happiness here - go make it happen.

I wanted to take a trip for my 50th, but for a variety of reasons, I couldn’t make it happen. I didn’t feel shy about asking for what I wanted, though. I bought myself a nicer handbag than I’ve ever gotten before, I had my kids get up with the dog and feed him and give him breakfast so I could sleep in, I requested food from more than one restaurant for my birthday dinner so I could eat exactly what I wanted, and when my DD15 asked what kind of cake I wanted, I described exactly what I wanted and she made it from scratch. Even if she didn’t bake, she would have made sure I had the store bought cake of my choice because I make a big deal out of my kids’ birthdays and they get the cakes of their choice. They’ve been taught that that’s part of celebrating birthdays.

Next time, don’t just say no thank you to something you don’t want; propose what you do want.

Happy belated birthday, OP. Definitely plan (or ask DH to plan) a nice dinner out with all your kids in attendance. You deserve to be celebrated.

OP I completely get it. My 40 was like this. Absolutely no DH effort - no gift, cake, present, cute thing he could have helped the young kids make, anything. Deeper issues that would hijack your thread for sure.

That said, now I know I don't want to feel depressed so I plan my own thing. Lunch or drink with a friend, getting a few people together, reminding my kids (who are a little older) so they can make cards or encourage DH to do at least something minimal...

It's depressing but better than letting the day go unacknowledged. There are a lot of people who care about us in the world and it's nice to be reminded of that.

Op, your fault. He asked if you wanted ___ and you should have, clearly stated, what it was you DID want.

You just wanted to be disappointed

Not the OP, but I do not understand why people are ok with the husband doing nothing and expecting friends to do his role. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are important bc we are giving giving giving every other day of the year and why is it too much to ask to be recognized on those days as a bare minimum? This is her 50th. He should have made sure the kids were all on board with cards and hugs and special meals etc. What excuse could this spouse have for this lack of consideration? A lidl pie and that’s it- hell no

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can I ask you something?

If you feel this way, why wouldn’t you just say “hey family, I appreciate the pie but I think I’m realizing I’d like to do up my 50th more. I want a gift and for the teens to plan and execute some sort of celebratory dinner. Is next Saturday okay?”

Like why just let it go by and be disappointed? It doesn’t matter if it’s not your actual birthday. You could also still plan a party. No one would care if it’s a few months after the official date.

OP here. I'm actually going to do this. It's the morning after today and I've feeling sad but I'm going to rally and get this dinner together for next weekend. Thank you to everyone who suggested this and encouraged me that it's not too late.

What makes me saddest is that all 3 of my kids were not even together for the piece of pie yesterday. It felt like a complete non-event. I don't need things or a grand event but I would like a moment in time when I see my kids and husband.

Where was #3?

Why do you need all 3 at the same time, on your birthday?

Why aren't all the other days of the year good enough?

When someone says that have a bad birthday, it's not about the birthday. It's a reminder that they had a bad year. Focus on what you need to change that.

Adult birthday parties are by women, for women.

If you don't have enough women in your life, fix that.

In some cultures, the birthday person throws a party for everyone else to attend. It shows the status as achievement of the guest of honor.