I think marriage is publicizing your commitment, to legally and socially become a family. It is a convention. It is a way of showing you are all in for this person and their family - because like it or not, their family is now your family!!

And when I say out loud that I'm going to do something, I better dam well do it!!!

Anonymous wrote:I am 28 and have been in a serious relationship for a year now. I don't want to have kids and my gf doesn't as well. We both independently have good salaries for our age. I make $190k and she makes $150k.

It seems like the next step is marriage. But we are both on the same page we don't want kids and or marriage. However part of me tells me that she may change her mind. Perhaps it's a sexist view that I have but I feel like most women want children and my gf isn't there just yet. If she changes her mind, our relationship will end.

Why do people feel the need to get married if they don't want to have children?

Saves money

Is responsible

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don’t want to get married because you think your girlfriend may change her mind about kids and then you’d be trapped.

People get married because they want to build a life together and want to be committed to one another in a binding way. legally, the process of acquiring and owning assets is simpler if you’re a married vs unmarried couple.

You seem like you don’t want to be committed to your GF if she changes her mind about kids, so you should not get married.

OP here. You have summed correctly. Our relationship is great currently we are on the same page. But those next steps which I feel are children and marriage are honestly uncertain. I know I don't want either and my gf doesn't as well. I may change because nobody can predict the future but I may change my mind. I am an only child and I do have a sizeable trust fund I can access so from a monetary standpoint marriage isn't going to make s difference. And I also have great health insurance. I may sound selfish because obviously I am in a great financial stage and not thinking how marriage may benefit my gf but that's not the case because she has her own money and assets as well.

If you’re both happy with the status quo (committed but unmarried) then leave things be. If she brings up marriage, just be honest that you’re concerned she will change her mind about kids, which is not something you’re open to. You only have a problem if one of you wants to get married, which right now, doesn’t seem like the case.

I would be honest with her that you don’t want to get married or have kids (if you haven’t already been.) you are both adults who can decide the terms on which you want to be in a relationship, and you’re only wasting her time if you’re misleading her and she wants something else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes commitment to a much higher level.

How do you explain the fact that most divorced people even in very serious relationship post divorce vow to never remarry? If marriage is all about that commitment then why not do it again?

Dp. Because they don’t want that commitment, duh. That’s why they don’t marry again. As “serious” as their relationship is, they are unwilling to commit to marriage. It remains at a level beneath marriage.

Anonymous wrote:It takes commitment to a much higher level.

How do you explain the fact that most divorced people even in very serious relationship post divorce vow to never remarry? If marriage is all about that commitment then why not do it again?

It takes commitment to a much higher level.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does OP assume she will be the one to change her mind? I know plenty of couples around the same age where they both said they wanted no kids, then suddenly they broke up and the man turned around, got married, and had kids with the next person. So much for not having kids.

+1. Happened to my cousin and she has not received mentally. Her ex didn't want kids but 8 years later he has 3 kids and she has none.

My current younger bf didn't want kids before me. He's 37 and very attractive. He didn't want kids with his ex wife. Meeting me he told me I'd have beautiful children and wanted to initially be my sperm donor. It then turned into a relationship but I'm older and I feel he's only into me for my looks. I do want kids with him though.

How old are you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does OP assume she will be the one to change her mind? I know plenty of couples around the same age where they both said they wanted no kids, then suddenly they broke up and the man turned around, got married, and had kids with the next person. So much for not having kids.

+1. Happened to my cousin and she has not received mentally. Her ex didn't want kids but 8 years later he has 3 kids and she has none.

My current younger bf didn't want kids before me. He's 37 and very attractive. He didn't want kids with his ex wife. Meeting me he told me I'd have beautiful children and wanted to initially be my sperm donor. It then turned into a relationship but I'm older and I feel he's only into me for my looks. I do want kids with him though.

Anonymous wrote:Tax reasons.
Health insurance coverages.
Being legal next of kinninnhealth emergencies so the hospital isn't trying to call a parent while life partner is right there.
Romance.
I never wanted kids. DH wasn't much interested and happy to go along with no kids. 43 years later we are both happy.

New poster and addressing just the bold above: Another PP who said "but don't you already have most of this" on this list, without marriage, is wrong. That person said to make the partner/GF an "emergency contact." For anyone who thinks that an "emergency contact" gets to make medical decisions on your behalf, you are wrong.

If you were incapacitated -- and yes, OP, it could happen to you at 28 years old, or at any time -- and if you want your partner and not your LEGAL next of kin like parents or siblings to call the shots with doctors, you must have a legal arrangement clearly designating who gets to make those choices for you.

That legal arrangement can be marriage. Or it can be a power of attorney document plus a medical directive document, with the partner given authority. But do not ever assume that the person you're dating or even living with, even for years, is automatically going to be given information about you or allowed to make any choices for you. Too many people take this for granted. You don't always luck out and have parents who say, oh, let his girlfirend advise the doctors, she knows him best.

I'm always amazed how many people don't get this. Being young is no excuse for not understanding it. Don't want to marry, but also don't want your parents or siblings getting to decide your treatment if you cannot? See a lawyer and get a POA/medical directive both drawn up and ensure your partner is on board about what you'd want. These documents are cheap and fast to get done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tax reasons.
Health insurance coverages.
Being legal next of kinninnhealth emergencies so the hospital isn't trying to call a parent while life partner is right there.
Romance.
I never wanted kids. DH wasn't much interested and happy to go along with no kids. 43 years later we are both happy.

You're actually probably worse off from a tax perspective unless one of you doesn't work, which I would assume would be rare for a childless couple, especially one OP's age.

Yes, this is a couple that will pay a marriage tax, not get a break. That was us too and we didn't get married until we decided to have a kid 15 years in.

Marriage is on the decline. For the vast majority of us here are children are probably not going to get married.