Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh you are back. Every thread where ADHD is mentioned, you show up to pretend you have it so you can say that it doesn’t impact people’s lives and it’s just bad choices. Go away.

i have never ever done that. i almost never come to relationships. it is possible that someone else also has adhd and still needs to do adult tasks. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenient truth for you.

We all have to do adult tasks but when you have adhd, your ability to do those tasks is affected and you don’t think and act the way people without adhd do. If your functioning isn’t affected, you don’t have adhd - it is required for a diagnosis. It’s like asking why does your wife walk slower and slow you down. Is it on purpose, does she get something out of it? Sure she has cerebral palsy but she is an adult and needs to speed up and keep up and never slow your family down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

What are you talking about? Her husband did complete the task - he didn’t dump anything on OP. His kid got to the party, the birthday kid got a cash gift.

That's one task-- OP says he does almost nothing unless she reminds him a million times and gives him lots of guidance. She had to cajole him into taking their son to the party and then remind him multiple times about the gift. And if he wanted to give cash he could have told OP the first time "I have already figured the gift out-- were just going to do a card with some cash." Instead he let her remind him over and over while he did nothing. The fact that he was able to figure something out last minute is good but doesn't change a dynamic where he relies on OP to figure everything out and then ask him to "help "

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him.

If my husband felt I was a pathetic useless waste of space who brings nothing of value and intentionally drags the family down, I would far rather he just divorce me than spend his time mocking me online and having a bunch of men agreeing and talking about how pathetic I am.

Once this level of disdain and resentment is there, move on rather than just bashing your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

They don’t. ADHD is really just that people were never taught executive functioning skills as children. Especially boys, who generally are held to much lower standards than girls and observed that their own fathers never did anything around the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Anonymous wrote:I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.

Ignore that poster, she was out of line and clearly doesn't get it. I'm impressed by you. You changed the whole dynamic of your family and he's better off too. And if you weren't at your limit, you may not have had the guts. What you have now is much healthier.

I'm glad you brought up that the OP has a choice to resent him or not. Your context explained it much better than I could have. It's one of those things that's by definition true but so hard to accept if that's all you know and have had modeled for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

What are you talking about? Her husband did complete the task - he didn’t dump anything on OP. His kid got to the party, the birthday kid got a cash gift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.