Some people are introverts and your MIL is one of them. She is not an extrovert so she isn’t going to change overnight and be line dancing with the rest. Sorry. It’s not what you want to hear. You and your husband need to adjust and find activities where she can enjoy and spend time with you all. I have an elderly parent who is like this. We do simple things like lunch and go grocery shopping. And is perfectly happy afterwards! You just need to adjust your thinking.

And yes, you posted here. You ask for all of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

No, she lives in a community. She has plenty of opportunities to "not be bored". It shouldn't fall on family to entertain her several days a week.

Just remember you will be older one day and wouldn't want to be alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

No, she lives in a community. She has plenty of opportunities to "not be bored". It shouldn't fall on family to entertain her several days a week.

She is family. Why wouldn’t they want to entertain or visit? What else are they so busy doing? Taking a walk?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

No, she lives in a community. She has plenty of opportunities to "not be bored". It shouldn't fall on family to entertain her several days a week.

How far away are you?

Do you have kids and if so how old are you?

How often do you visit?

How often does SIL want you to visit?

how far away does she live?

do they have activities at her place? is there a close place with activities she would enjoy. near me they have senior centers with ALL KINDS of activities.

does she like to read?

does she like to play cards or dominoes?

what's needed here is a little help finding some activities for her (if she is interested) and your husband stepping up to take an interest in his mom.

Encourage your DH to take her to a movie, a symphony or ballet, lunch, to skyline drive, to a bakery for coffee, manicure or massage, a farmers market. There are so many nice things she can do at 79. I did all of these things with my mom who recently passed and she enjoyed all of these things.

Her son should ask her what she would like to do on the X days/month he will spend with her. Are there grandchildren at home that can visit sometimes?

You, OP, sound like your attitude towards her is rather judgmental and unkind. So it would be best for you to stay away.

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, I would look for shows (paid or free), talks, or some type of event where you could take her where you could both be entertained by something else. A boat ride or scenic drive/train ride would also work.

This is a good idea. I’m PP with the mom who doesn’t want to do things. We watch sports and bring snacks or we play a game.

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

My mom chooses to do nothing. That’s on her.

She cared for my dad but she did little even before that.

You can’t change people like this. They have to want to change.

If it were me, I would look for shows (paid or free), talks, or some type of event where you could take her where you could both be entertained by something else. A boat ride or scenic drive/train ride would also work.

Op, she’s 79. Hiking and flying to the Caribbean are not realistic activities for the vast majority of people that age. I think you guys need to look ahead and consider if her current living situation makes sense for the next 10 years. 55+ communities are usually good for people in the 60 to 75 age range. By the time someone is 80, they usually need more services.

If she can afford a CCRC, look at an Erickson facility or Brightview or some other local options.

But yea, your dh should find time a couple times a month to spend with his mom in a way that works for her.

Why would you post here? Why not take her out for lunch or dinner two or three times a month or bring carryout to her? You can take her out shopping alone, manicure, or what ever she used to like to do. She doesn't need therapy, she needs a nicer DIL.

Encourage DH to do things solo with his mother.
Lunches, Dinners, picking things up at Walmart or the drug store etc

He does not have to spend large chunks of time. Consider an hour or 90 minutes each visit.

SIL appears to be getting really burnt out and she needs the support.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband, her son, needs to take the lead here. Not you. But you should not stand in his way when he does come up with a plan. Personally, If I don't enjoy her company, no way I would be giving up half of my Sundays to visit and try to engage her though. If I were your husband, I'd commit to visiting her for dinner once a week (after work).

This. Your son is the one who should take the initiative. Agree that sending husband up solo once a week for dinner
sounds like a good plan (since you have no interest.)

Or have your husband take her out to lunch 2 Sundays a month.