Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a child who is an extremely hard worker and a kid who is not, I do not think any amount of pushing will work. The kid has to want to do it.

I have seen kids in college fail without mommy. I would rather my kid fail now than as a college student.

why? how is it better to fail in HS?

Pp here. DH and I are type A high achievers. Our oldest child is just like us but better. Our middle child is naturally gifted and puts little effort like OP’s kids. He isn’t literally failing but he will get a B because he didn’t study or has missing assignments. I want him to figure this out by himself while he is in middle school.

And what if he doesn't? What if he just keeps underperforming?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a child who is an extremely hard worker and a kid who is not, I do not think any amount of pushing will work. The kid has to want to do it.

I have seen kids in college fail without mommy. I would rather my kid fail now than as a college student.

why? how is it better to fail in HS?

Pp here. DH and I are type A high achievers. Our oldest child is just like us but better. Our middle child is naturally gifted and puts little effort like OP’s kids. He isn’t literally failing but he will get a B because he didn’t study or has missing assignments. I want him to figure this out by himself while he is in middle school.

She sounds lovely.

I have one of each and my 70% effort child is way more pleasant to be around. Down to earth, grounded and just lovely.

My intense kid is awesome and fun but exhausting… and never satisfied and it’s gonna be a long hard road to realize that is not a great path.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a child who is an extremely hard worker and a kid who is not, I do not think any amount of pushing will work. The kid has to want to do it.

I have seen kids in college fail without mommy. I would rather my kid fail now than as a college student.

why? how is it better to fail in HS?

As a parent of a child who is an extremely hard worker and a kid who is not, I do not think any amount of pushing will work. The kid has to want to do it.

I have seen kids in college fail without mommy. I would rather my kid fail now than as a college student.

My kids are like this. It's frustrating, because I'm not like that at all. But we see the upside over time.

Anonymous wrote:Choose where to push and where not to. At some point they have to grow up and deal with the consequences of their decisions. Sometimes life has to intervene and while it may be frustrating regarding college outcomes, there is always grad school. Many state u grads I have known through the years went on to get ivy or other well-regarded advanced degrees once they realized what they wanted.

This is the best answer. Figure out where the best areas to push them are; where they are least likely to protest and gain the most benefit. Step back on the areas that maybe aren’t as important. A lot of kids default to lazy if given the opportunity, especially if they have most of the things they need already provided to them. They need some pushing but be strategic about it. And realize that your goals may not be their goals and you cannot live their life for them. Just parent the best you can, don’t give up on them, and maybe they will eventually figure out what it is they want and work for it.

Don't push. My DS was like that. Eventually he decided he might want to play baseball in college, and he brought it all up to the next level. They have to want it for themselves, not just to please you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

+1 I was like this as a young adult - school felt fairly “easy” to me, I could either study a little and get an A/B or a lot and get an A, and the time trade-off didn’t make sense. I was very social and preferred spending my time with friends. I also got A+s in subjects that I really loved simply because I loved them. In my humble opinion, it is a sign of a healthy, well-adjusted adult to weigh the value of high scores against life quality and strike some balance. As an adult, I’m fairly successful and have a happy life that I am proud of. There could be worse things than that.

Also the EQ skills people develop from socializing in high school are probably more important in the workplace. I say this as someone who skipped a lot of socializing to get straight As and now works with a lot of people who have more charisma and went to less prestigious colleges!

Except a lot of socializing for teens now is over phone/computer. They lazy ones that are giving half effort on school and extracurriculars aren’t living some amazing social life and developing extraordinary EQ skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

+1 I was like this as a young adult - school felt fairly “easy” to me, I could either study a little and get an A/B or a lot and get an A, and the time trade-off didn’t make sense. I was very social and preferred spending my time with friends. I also got A+s in subjects that I really loved simply because I loved them. In my humble opinion, it is a sign of a healthy, well-adjusted adult to weigh the value of high scores against life quality and strike some balance. As an adult, I’m fairly successful and have a happy life that I am proud of. There could be worse things than that.

Also the EQ skills people develop from socializing in high school are probably more important in the workplace. I say this as someone who skipped a lot of socializing to get straight As and now works with a lot of people who have more charisma and went to less prestigious colleges!

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

+1 I was like this as a young adult - school felt fairly “easy” to me, I could either study a little and get an A/B or a lot and get an A, and the time trade-off didn’t make sense. I was very social and preferred spending my time with friends. I also got A+s in subjects that I really loved simply because I loved them. In my humble opinion, it is a sign of a healthy, well-adjusted adult to weigh the value of high scores against life quality and strike some balance. As an adult, I’m fairly successful and have a happy life that I am proud of. There could be worse things than that.

Raise the kid you have, not the one you want.

You can push all you want but what happens when they get to college?

Anonymous wrote:Someone else posted on here one time about it being tough for type A parents to watch a child decide to go 80% of the way on something when the kid is capable of doing more. For those saying to guide (maybe not push) when you get, when did you stop? 9th grade? Sooner?

I let mine abandon sport after 4 years of training, it was not that important to us, they resented it and they had some talent but were not outstanding. The instrument I will let go some time in HS. It breaks my heart given the talent and performance level but they are not going to be professionals. We will support it for as long as they want to continue but won't push for regular practicing, will stop paying lessons if they don't practice etc. This is really hard for me because they play beautiful music and we also play together as a family.

I don't need to push for schoolwork, high schooler is pretty much on their own there and the middle schooler is also pretty self-directed. I will continue to monitor that in college and beyond. For that, I would raise hell, l but I didn't need to, so far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

The thing is, our children live in a different world. Your sister didn't have to compete with the pool of extremely driven, talented immigrants like our children do. You could pretty much coast to an upper middle class life. You can't count on this anymore. Maybe it will happen, maybe not - but the odds are definitively different from what they were 30 years ago.

Um there is plenty of homegrown talent. Competition is stiffer partly bc thanks to the internet, people have heard of all the really good schools that wouldn’t have geographically been on their radar several decades ago. Can’t believe you’re yelling “IMMIGRANTS!” on a post about kids

I am an immigrant myself, I am not yelling "immigrants". The fact is that there is much more competition globally and that Harvard has more than a quarter of their college filled with international students. I was one of a handful of such students many years ago, now my own kids are facing at least 10 times as many.

And even if increasing competition were merely due to homegrown talent, the points remains that it's a different world today. You can't just phone it in to an upper middle class lifestyle.