Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP the genders do matter.

I can agitate and piss off my wife, yell, stand in her way, and goad her to push me….. and then call the police and accuse her of physically abusing me.

Works every time.

And she’ll get hysteric when the police show up. I’ll stay cool as a cucumber and watch her get hauled to the station.

Works every time. Turn it in to the He said She said thing. Win win.

So many people don’t realize these premeditated traps. Most outsiders are quick to blame both people, not observe and see who set the trap.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t see how or why someone would maintain friendship with someone who was abusing their friend.

Anonymous wrote:First of all, when a marriage breaks up, you will always pick a side. You can’t decide as a group where your loyalty lies. Instead, you decide as a couple. Keep in mind, you have only heard one side of the story.

Anonymous wrote:I have been part of a fairly close circle of friends, including several couples, for a couple of years.

Recently, one of the couples split up. We (the friends) learned after the breakup that one person in that couple had been abusing substances and lying about abusing substances. We learned a few days later that that person had also terrorized and abused their partner physically and in many other ways.

Our group is having a hard time figuring out a way forward. It has been difficult to process that the person we thought we knew was someone else entirely. At first, some felt that they wanted to support that person since they needed help and support after a breakup and dealing with substance abuse and we were led to believe they did not have other support. But then the details of the abuse began trickling out, and now it is different.

The abused partner, as well as another friend who was a witness, have said that they do not to be friends with anyone in our group who continues to maintain a friend relationship with the abuser.

I personally have no doubts that this abuse happened, and I have had other life experiences that have shown me that abusers can put on a charming and innocent persona when they are around others. In this case, the abuser seems to be minimizing what happened, kind of pretending it wasn’t a big deal, and is asking to hang out with the rest of us.

Our group is split, with some saying they want to maintain neutrality and saying that it is unfair to have to choose between the two friends. Others (myself included) do not think this is a situation where neutrality applies, considering the abuse that took place and that the abuser isn’t really acknowledging or taking ownership of their actions.

How would you feel if this happened among friends who mattered to you? How would you proceed?

I have left the genders out because it really should not matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been part of a fairly close circle of friends, including several couples, for a couple of years.

Recently, one of the couples split up. We (the friends) learned after the breakup that one person in that couple had been abusing substances and lying about abusing substances. We learned a few days later that that person had also terrorized and abused their partner physically and in many other ways.

Our group is having a hard time figuring out a way forward. It has been difficult to process that the person we thought we knew was someone else entirely. At first, some felt that they wanted to support that person since they needed help and support after a breakup and dealing with substance abuse and we were led to believe they did not have other support. But then the details of the abuse began trickling out, and now it is different.

The abused partner, as well as another friend who was a witness, have said that they do not to be friends with anyone in our group who continues to maintain a friend relationship with the abuser.

I personally have no doubts that this abuse happened, and I have had other life experiences that have shown me that abusers can put on a charming and innocent persona when they are around others. In this case, the abuser seems to be minimizing what happened, kind of pretending it wasn’t a big deal, and is asking to hang out with the rest of us.

Our group is split, with some saying they want to maintain neutrality and saying that it is unfair to have to choose between the two friends. Others (myself included) do not think this is a situation where neutrality applies, considering the abuse that took place and that the abuser isn’t really acknowledging or taking ownership of their actions.

How would you feel if this happened among friends who mattered to you? How would you proceed?

I have left the genders out because it really should not matter.

Basically MYOB about it all. You relationship with the person in question is YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
How they act with others doesn't affect that.
How others view them and try to coerce you to abandoning them, is not relevant.
You are obviously not in high school anymore. Be an adult and be there for your friend, unless the friend starts to abuse you.

Would you apply this same logic if the accused was a thief, rapist, murderer? Be their friend until they steal from, rape, or murder you?

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP the genders do matter.

I can agitate and piss off my wife, yell, stand in her way, and goad her to push me….. and then call the police and accuse her of physically abusing me.

Works every time.

And she’ll get hysteric when the police show up. I’ll stay cool as a cucumber and watch her get hauled to the station.

Works every time. Turn it in to the He said She said thing. Win win.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been part of a fairly close circle of friends, including several couples, for a couple of years.

Recently, one of the couples split up. We (the friends) learned after the breakup that one person in that couple had been abusing substances and lying about abusing substances. We learned a few days later that that person had also terrorized and abused their partner physically and in many other ways.

Our group is having a hard time figuring out a way forward. It has been difficult to process that the person we thought we knew was someone else entirely. At first, some felt that they wanted to support that person since they needed help and support after a breakup and dealing with substance abuse and we were led to believe they did not have other support. But then the details of the abuse began trickling out, and now it is different.

The abused partner, as well as another friend who was a witness, have said that they do not to be friends with anyone in our group who continues to maintain a friend relationship with the abuser.

I personally have no doubts that this abuse happened, and I have had other life experiences that have shown me that abusers can put on a charming and innocent persona when they are around others. In this case, the abuser seems to be minimizing what happened, kind of pretending it wasn’t a big deal, and is asking to hang out with the rest of us.

Our group is split, with some saying they want to maintain neutrality and saying that it is unfair to have to choose between the two friends. Others (myself included) do not think this is a situation where neutrality applies, considering the abuse that took place and that the abuser isn’t really acknowledging or taking ownership of their actions.

How would you feel if this happened among friends who mattered to you? How would you proceed?

I have left the genders out because it really should not matter.

Basically MYOB about it all. You relationship with the person in question is YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
How they act with others doesn't affect that.
How others view them and try to coerce you to abandoning them, is not relevant.
You are obviously not in high school anymore. Be an adult and be there for your friend, unless the friend starts to abuse you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm kinda torn about this. I want to be the sort of person who says "believe the victim" and would shun an abuser.

But my abuser goes around telling everyone I was the abuser. For all the PPs who said they'd know, they can spot even covert abuse, etc., my experience has not held that up at all.

I would continue to support whoever you were closer to. If that's the person alleging abuse, that makes it an easier decision. If I heard my "friend" was an abuser, I'd confront them. My real friends confronted me when they heard my ex's allegations, only to hear a completely different story, with receipts, about how the inverse was far more accurate.

It's a messy situation all around, and I completely understand the PP who was like "just get new friends". Breakups are tough on friend circles. Toxic/abusive relationship blowups are even harder.

Good luck, OP.