Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Honestly every community can be very exclusionary and in the grand scheme of things I’d rate the black community pretty low in terms of how exclusionary it can be.

But we're not talking about any other community right now. Responses like that are exactly why no one is every really honest about what's really going on. Someone mentions a problem in our home and the response is, "well, so and so's home does it but worse." Oh okay, that's helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Honestly every community can be very exclusionary and in the grand scheme of things I’d rate the black community pretty low in terms of how exclusionary it can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

Black woman here too. This was my thought. I was just out with white friends this past weekend for an alumni meetup and, when you’re with white people, Black groups will feel you out, thinking “does she think she’s too good for her own kind?” type of thing. I always go out of my way to say hi or even strike up a conversation with other Black women no matter who I’m with.

Typing this feels so dumb but it’s the way things are because there ARE “I don’t hang out with Black people/I’m too good for other Black people” individuals in our own community who think they can sidestep, racism, biases, and stereotyping by clutching to proximity to whiteness.

So, I’d recommend that your DD always speak when she sees them and hopefully they come around.

Anonymous wrote:It's more of a class thing than race thing. Lower class people shun upper class people when they assume they won't be accepted into the upper clas society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

But let's be real, no one really wants to be frank in these conversations and, amongst other issues, admit how exclusionary our community can really be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

This part

Anonymous wrote:I hate having these types of discussions in front of mixed company because things are thrown out there without the proper nuance to explain the complexity of situations like this.

I find it weird that everyone has automatically assumed that this is a group of xenophobic mean girls. There could be a lot more to this situation that isn’t being mentioned here or even to the parent.

In terms of advice. I’d strongly recommend you help your daughter find black community even if it exists outside of her school. I’ve seen the consequences of children not being able to find that community later in life and it can sometimes be really hard for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are likely several factors at play here. A lot could depend on when your DD joined the school vs the Black students, where you all live vs where they live, extracurriculars, etc.

As a Black woman, I can tell you the Black students may incorrectly assume that your daughter is not interested in being friends with them based on her current friend group.

Hopefully she can develop friendships with them organically, but I definitely wouldn't push it. If there are extracurriculars that several of the Black students are involved in that your DD may enjoy it could be helpful to enroll her in those same activities so she can spend time with them away from her friend group.

Black woman here too. This was my thought. I was just out with white friends this past weekend for an alumni meetup and, when you’re with white people, Black groups will feel you out, thinking “does she think she’s too good for her own kind?” type of thing. I always go out of my way to say hi or even strike up a conversation with other Black women no matter who I’m with.

Typing this feels so dumb but it’s the way things are because there ARE “I don’t hang out with Black people/I’m too good for other Black people” individuals in our own community who think they can sidestep, racism, biases, and stereotyping by clutching to proximity to whiteness.

So, I’d recommend that your DD always speak when she sees them and hopefully they come around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were to visit most schools in this area you will find black American students and Black African and Black Caribbean students mingling interchangeably.

I assume that the issue might be your daughter’s proximity to whiteness and not her Africanness.

I'm the pp of the first response. This could be an issue as well. The other girls may feel like she may not be " black enough" to fit in with them or may want to be white based upon her current friends.

It's this. Nothing to do with her Africanness, it's because they think she prefers the company of white people. If she had a mixed friend group (which a lot of AA's have), it would be different, but it sounds she exclusively hangs out with white kids, because that's where she's most comfortable for whatever reason. The AA kids aren't going to go out of their way to include someone who they perceive as having no interest in them.

She's tried to make small talk and was responded to so rudely. Do they want her to shirk her established friend group to be included? Ridiculous.

Remember these are teens girls that we are referring to. They are rude and snarky unfortunately.

Right? This adds to the complexity. Teens are not the most mature of social beings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird post. You surround your child within the white community her entire life and then she wants to become fiends with those that are black solely on the basis that she is black too? She needs friends that share the same interest as her not friends only because they have the same skin color.

Not OP here - I'd argue differently. Of course she needs friends that share her same interest and I'd add, friends who care and support her as friends should do. But teenage years are a time of greater self awareness and self reflection and defining one's identity. Perhaps she loves her friends but also feels there is more of her identity that she would like to explore. Or, maybe she is reflecting that her friend group is not diverse and she values more diversity and is walking her walk to do something about it.