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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

OP what’s your plan here?

I don’t have one. Right now it’s to just work, take care of my child, and try to make it through the day enough to want to stay alive and figure out what the hell to do. Isn’t that enough?

How old is your child? Will you be financially stable if you divorce?

Elementary school. Not financially stable although I do work, my work has revolved around flexibility vs money.

How will a divorce look for you? Will he fight you on custody? Are you interested in trying to save your marriage?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

+1. My wife was a serial cheater, but I never found out. I suspected but never dug dipper. I kept the kids out if. Unfortunately they discovered her narcissistic side on their own and now don't even want to go her place. It's stressful for me because I still do want them to have a good relationship with their mother
.she is not my mother so I can care less about jer life. But it sadden me because I have such great relationship with my mother and I wish my kids had the same. When kids as young as 12 and 14 discover your flaws on their own, it must be bad.

No, it’s when they’re in preschool and elementary and tell you they’re scared of their father. Which is what my kids had to go through.

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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

OP what’s your plan here?

I don’t have one. Right now it’s to just work, take care of my child, and try to make it through the day enough to want to stay alive and figure out what the hell to do. Isn’t that enough?

How old is your child? Will you be financially stable if you divorce?

Elementary school. Not financially stable although I do work, my work has revolved around flexibility vs money.

Anonymous wrote:Can you move back to where you were living?

No. I’ve been a trailing spouse. It’s hurt my career and trashed my support network. I don’t have family (parents dead), do have siblings but it’s not like they can help much and they live far flung from each other.

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Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

The man controls how the situation looks to OW and usually they lie.

OP's husband may be looking for proof that she cares at all. That is a slight possibility.

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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

OP what’s your plan here?

I don’t have one. Right now it’s to just work, take care of my child, and try to make it through the day enough to want to stay alive and figure out what the hell to do. Isn’t that enough?

How old is your child? Will you be financially stable if you divorce?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

In Virginia, Washington D.C., and Maryland, placing a GPS tracking device like an AirTag in someone’s car without their knowledge or consent is generally illegal under privacy and anti-stalking laws. Virginia explicitly prohibits this under Virginia Code § 18.2-60.5, while D.C. and Maryland address it through stalking and harassment statutes. In D.C., unauthorized tracking likely violates its Stalking Statute (§ 22–3133), and in Maryland, it could fall under the state's stalking law (§ 3-802). Exceptions exist if you own the vehicle or have consent from the owner, but unauthorized tracking with malicious intent could result in criminal charges. I think you are allowed to place a tracking device if you own the vehicle, and one could make the case that it’s material property regardless of title.

Can you move back to where you were living?

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

Man and his mistress, both are liars and cheaters with no morality and ethics but man is the one who made a legal commitment to his wife and fathered a human being so he should see legal and social consequences.

What can OP do to the other woman? Is there any legal, social or any other recourse to hold such women responsible for their actions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

I’m
Pretty sure she must know about me. My worst fear is that she turns up pregnant.

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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

OP what’s your plan here?

I don’t have one. Right now it’s to just work, take care of my child, and try to make it through the day enough to want to stay alive and figure out what the hell to do. Isn’t that enough?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

I'm not an expert, but shouldn't you be working on emotionally detaching while you "do the 180"? You're using this time to plan your next steps, but you're not planning them from a place of logic or calm. You're reacting just as angrily as if you'd gotten into a screaming match with him the moment you found out.

Sorry your husband is a dbag. Seriously. But if you truly believe that this affair means he's choosing another family over your daughter, then YOU have to choose to put your daughter first, because she deserves one parent who will. And putting her first means protecting her from being in the middle of her parents' worst moments, making this transition as calm and smooth as possible, and showing her a mom who handles adversity with strength and grace. Good luck.

I am working in emotionally detaching. This is new and I am allowed to feel rage and anger and hurt and loss. This is why I’m not jumping to anything. I didn’t text him at 3 in the morning to see where he was, because I already know the answer and no good could come of that interaction while I’m sleeping beside my innocent kid.

No, I won’t drag her into this but part of me would like him to face her, because he doesn’t give a whit about me and he deserves to hurt as much as I do, and how much his kid will. I’m bigger than that but all I can do right now is move on quietly and seethe inside, cry in the shower and try to figure out how to change over 29 years of my life a new city and few resources.

Why do you assume he will file for divorce. He doesn't seem to particularly care (not letting you know where he is ) and then sneaking in in the morning. Maybe he figured you know and don't care.

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

so your "plan" is to wait for him to tell you? What if he never does? You're going to live like this for years, decades?