Anonymous
Post 09/12/2024 19:42     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:I've posted about my mil before she is super insensitive and invasive when it comes to asking questions and doesn't take hints of not wanting to talk about certain things.

While I was pregnant she would say rude things like why bother with a pump or sterilizing bottles you said you want to breastfeed. Its so easy just put baby on and they eat. I used to stand over my kids crib and I would just start leaking. It's not hard at all. On and on.

It also doesn't help that I work in the birth and labor space and I know all the things and I'm struggling so hard. Too much to mention now but weepy and emotional that this might not pan out for me and baby.

She's two weeks today and after a cascade of interventions at the hospital after a C-section at 38 weeks 5 days we are triple feeding/but she won't really latch unless it's with a shield/she's exhausted/minimal of any milk transfer. She can't open wide- tie and tightness. Poor girl. I'm pumping every 2-3 hours and only getting 1oz. Yesterday was a fluke and one session I got 2.5. but it usually takes me 60 min of on/off to get 30-50 mls.

Since coming home Mil asks is she nursing? is she only getting breast milk? do you feel your let down? So she's only had breast milk? Has she had bottles? Over and over and over again. Every single time we've talked to them. I have admittedly tried to avoid m but once a week now she asks the same question about feeding. I don't understand why she can't just shut up about it or when we say yup she's healthy and growing she leaves it be.

The first time DH saw me tearing up and covered saying everything is fine. She's eating and growing. But she insists well I didn't hear larla say it. She will ask me directly if I'm nursing and exclusively and if I'm feeling my let down all the time. We have just been lying and saying yup everything is great. Going well.

It's exhausting. DH says she's just curious. But normal people don't ask this stuff. She's fixated on our feeding journey and it sucks. I already think about it 24/7.

I know at some point they will have to visit and we will have to tell them no things aren't going well actually. TBH we planned to have them visit after 4 weeks but now I don't want them to come until we get feeding under control. But what if we never do? They come over and baby is on expressed milk/formula supps and I'm still pumping every 2hrs. I don't even know what to say at this point. I don't even want them here.

I just already feel like such a failure I can't even feed my baby. And to have these questions asked with such judgement. And it is judgement. She also says stuff like well it can't be that warm to have her in just a diaper. Yes it is. We are doing skin to skin all day. Or she saw me doing suck exercise with baby on zoom and it looks like I'm just using my finger as a pacifier and she has to comment on well a pacifier would be better. And she did this with her kids and she was the perfect mom. And at the end of the day I'm just not. And we are only two weeks in


Why not just tell her to shut up and get out and not come back until she can behave as a guest in your house. If you don't do this then she will only shut up when she dies. Do not be concerned about upsetting her or your DH, who should have told her to shut up long before now.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 23:24     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
That generation obsesses over it because they were taught only low class people do that. My Mom seemed offended I wouldn't feed my baby a bottle like she did.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 20:14     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Also I have a many issues of similar nature with my MIL. Therapy can help. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 20:12     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
So sorry OP and I really hope it gets better. Postpartum is such a hard time. I feel for you.

If you can’t ignore this woman (and it sounds like you can’t) I would have your husband step in and tell her to stop. Or to take the calls with his family privately. You owe them nothing and yourself and your baby and health everything. If this upsets her, who cares.

Absolutely do not have them visit until you feel ready. That could be a while. Too bad for them.

You had a major surgery, a huge life change and are navigating your new life body and baby. Worry about yourself and your new immediate family. Nothing else matters.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 12:47     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She may be trying to help and what you consider pushy, she considers helping and she's asking so she can support the choice you make. OP, nothing wrong with formula. Don't fall into the breast is best thing. You cannot tell which babies are breastfed vs. formula. Try a mix for a while and let your husband do the formula feed, you do the breast. You being happy, sleeping and relaxed is best for baby.


If I hadn't seen and heard her talk crap about my sil's bf journey I might try to believe she's being helpful. But it's more she's trying to prove something. We are supplementing with formula and donor milk and I can pump 10ish ounces a day right now. So it's definitely a combo. And we are still latching with a shield and before bed and naps. Just chugging away while we decide on the tie revision or any other interventions. I do need to sleep more..

You are a mom now. Your husband is a father. I’m sorry you are having a difficult time but yall need to grow the F up and tell MIL that you are not discussing this and stick to it. That lady is causing far too many problems. When she starts, get off the phone. At next conversation, continue as usual unless/until she starts up again. You need to grow backbones; how will you raise and advocate for your kids?
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 12:34     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Just tell her straight. I’m having a hard time breastfeeding and I don’t want to discuss it with you because I know you have strong feelings about it and believe it’s a personal failure, and I’m already feeling lousy about it. Put that ball squarely in her court.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 08:41     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, she sounds like a nutty B! I would want to lose it on her and I can see why you’re putting off a visit! She’s a loon for being so obsessed with your journey.

I also drove myself CRAZY trying to breastfeed my first DD. When I had my second DD, life was amazing and I’ll tell you why: Baby Brezza and the nice Kendamil organic formula that they sell at Target now. DD and I got to cuddle so much more and she was so happy. No one was stressed. I was able to produce a similar amount to you - just enough milk to drive me crazy thinking if I could only figure out how to up my supply. Such a waste of energy!


+1 with a similar story

I agonized and my supply never really came in. Turns out my mom was like that too. It was out of my control and I shake my head at all the agony I put myself through. I think low supply is way more common than we are told.

Tell your husband that every time MIL asks about your breasts, you are no longer engaging. He needs to run interference. Repeat endlessly. She is too involved.

It’s ok to formula feed! And on a superficial note, it’ll keep your breasts perky. Yes, a vain thing but a silver lining.


And even if it is theoretically possible to eke out a few more ounces through non-stop pumping, “triple feeding,” and the like, the amount of stress it puts on new mothers is indefensible given that there is a perfectly good alternative. Before I had my baby read a story about a French feminist praising formula, and it literally seemed taboo - I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the fact that she would dare say that! Now my kid is well past that stage and I marvel about all the rules and regulations UMC American women put themselves through with babies. It’s ok to get an epidural. It’s OK to give formula. It’s ok to cosleep or sleep train. No you do not need a grand theory of babyled weaning - you can just give the baby some applesauce. No, spoons will not ruin your baby …
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 07:31     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:"MIL, I'm going to focus on the baby and getting used to being a family of three, so may not be available to chat as much going forward." And then .... don't talk to her, don't read her texts, emails, posts, ask DH not to tell you what she says or writes.

Just focus on your new baby and your health. Also, this is not a woman who will take a hint. Be direct. Being direct is not rude.


+1
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 06:55     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:OP, she sounds like a nutty B! I would want to lose it on her and I can see why you’re putting off a visit! She’s a loon for being so obsessed with your journey.

I also drove myself CRAZY trying to breastfeed my first DD. When I had my second DD, life was amazing and I’ll tell you why: Baby Brezza and the nice Kendamil organic formula that they sell at Target now. DD and I got to cuddle so much more and she was so happy. No one was stressed. I was able to produce a similar amount to you - just enough milk to drive me crazy thinking if I could only figure out how to up my supply. Such a waste of energy!


+1 with a similar story

I agonized and my supply never really came in. Turns out my mom was like that too. It was out of my control and I shake my head at all the agony I put myself through. I think low supply is way more common than we are told.

Tell your husband that every time MIL asks about your breasts, you are no longer engaging. He needs to run interference. Repeat endlessly. She is too involved.

It’s ok to formula feed! And on a superficial note, it’ll keep your breasts perky. Yes, a vain thing but a silver lining.
Anonymous
Post 09/11/2024 06:40     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
holy shit your MIL sounds painful. Go no contact and don't let her visit. It is SO WEIRD when people want to ask you about breastfeeding- it's none of their damn business! I had random old ladies up in my business at church asking me if I was breastfeeding and if my milk was coming in and I was like are you seriously asking me about my breasts ugh.

Best of luck with your feeding journey and I hope you find a way forward that works well for you and baby. You're doing amazing and being a great mum is so much more than being a milk dispenser.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2024 15:31     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s annoying but you are making everything harder for yourself (including handling her) by insisting on breastfeeding. At 2 weeks PP your milk supply isn’t going to increase.


You are a moron. I had a similar situation and had to briefly supplement with formula and eventually wean off the shield but we went on to successfully exclusively breastfeed for the whole year after the bumpy start and brief supplementation. I was so glad I didn’t listen to people like you.


same same-- i had to triple feed the first few weeks-- and then switched to just nursing and expressed milk... my kid never developed a great latch i think and self weaned at 7 months at which point i switched to exclusive pumping every 2ish hours during the day and ta da my supply increased/stabilized.

i vividly recall some idiot lactation consultant telling me in the hospital that i wouldn't be able to make milk because i had slight hypothyroidism... she was wrong. i did use formula to supplement in the beginning (baby had low blood sugar at birth, jaundice a few days post discharge, no milk supply at birth...) but all worked out. but i will say it was incredibly exhausting and time consuming and made me feel miserable at first when i couldn't meet my goals... and i fully understand why people choose to not do it!

i'm sorry your MIL sounds awful but ignore this pp
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2024 12:54     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
For breastfeeding support try NEST collaborative if you haven’t been using a LC already. They work through your insurance and have tons of availability. They are virtual but it didn’t matter because I could talk to them every day over video chat free of cost.

For dealing with your MIL - just make the decision to push back their visit by another month or two, until you feel better about it. Their visit and their feelings are not your priority or your husbands priority, you feeling good about how you are feeding and caring about your baby has to be the family priority right now. They’ll complain and be upset but feeding your baby is really important for you to feel good about and having your MIL looking over your shoulder while you are struggling is not going to make things better.
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2024 16:39     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
I am sending you hugs because this is a stressful situation and MIL is not helping. Have your DH tell her you are only taking advice from your pediatrician (not the internet or the MIL). Who has made her the expert? Continue what you are doing as long as you want. In my case, I ultimately switched to 100 % formula and life got much easier.

Anonymous
Post 09/09/2024 16:28     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s annoying but you are making everything harder for yourself (including handling her) by insisting on breastfeeding. At 2 weeks PP your milk supply isn’t going to increase.


You are a moron. I had a similar situation and had to briefly supplement with formula and eventually wean off the shield but we went on to successfully exclusively breastfeed for the whole year after the bumpy start and brief supplementation. I was so glad I didn’t listen to people like you.

Not PP, but like…cool, so happy for you, but for some of us it JUST DOESNT HAPPEN and yes we consulted with all of the people and did all of the things and pumped around the clock using the hospital grade pump for literally the entire fourth trimester, and it Didn’t. Happen. Please recognize that the pushy bullying around guilting women to breastfeed is the dominant narrative in our culture right now, and totally not okay. PP may have sounded a little know-it-all but I think it’s necessary to make space for points of view aligned with hers. You coming in all superior with your name-calling and your one-person anecdote about success is way worse than PP, especially in this thread where OP is wearing herself down terribly trying to make breastfeeding exclusively a part of her journey. With a MIL who piles on to that guilt. Do you see how your perspective is not necessarily the more helpful one?
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2024 16:22     Subject: Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
Oh OP, you are not a failure! Your efforts are enormous and you are doing everything you can, and the best you can. Whether your baby ends up breast or bottle feeding is irrelevant to the kind of mom you are. You’re wonderful!! Please let go of the guilt! Your baby will be 100% fine either way, I promise.