Anonymous wrote:To me this sounds like classic anxiety. Whether there are other problems or not, the anxiety is not under control and I think you should focus energy on that. Constant state of anxiety is a huge stressor and will only lead to worse problems later.

Anonymous wrote:OP - to answer some of the questions:

Food - she is actually a very good eater. For example - breakfast was a egg, bacon, cheese sandwich. Lunch was a sandwich on a ciabatta roll with fruit. Dinner was a rice bowl with shredded beef and veggies. Lots of fruits as a snack and sometimes some carrots. No juice or soda, only water and occasionally a homemade lemonade.

Activity - she plays a sport and has practice 2 days a week plus games once on the weekends. On non-sport days she usually goes outside to shoot hoops, play with friends, bike around the neighborhood. In the summer we swim almost every day.

Showering - she says she needs to shower in the morning because her hair is so crazy. It is pretty nuts in the mornings with the way she sleeps and also having very very thick hair. Plus I think it wakes her up in the mornings.

My DH is the slowest person in the world in the mornings - usually takes him at least an hour by the time he wakes up till the time he gets downstairs. I on the other hand wake up and am downstairs in about 15 minutes. So it is hard for me to understand why it takes everybody so much time to wake up and get ready in the mornings. I am also a VERY low maintenance person so its hard for me to sympathize with DD in the mornings when she wants her hair perfect or needs to look a certain way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel like all the therapy hasn't done anything. When she starts to spiral she refuses to do any of the techniques that she has been taught. When she talks calmly with her therapist she knows all the right things to say, how to do the techniques and her therapist always says she is doing great.

She is just such a moody, anxious child and I know that my reaction makes it worse but there is just so much I can take before I lose it. It makes me hate being a parent.

I have a similar child and I have really benefitted from getting my own therapy and taking parenting classes (I did Parent-Child Journey and would reocommend though also look at PEP and other resources -- they all have a lot of the same content). Also the book The Explosive Child is a good resource.

I don't have a ton of time to post now so won't go into more detail but 3 quick takeaways:

1) The techniques generally focus on addressing your own anxiety and stressors that lead to you "losing it" when faced with these challenges. Addressing those are helpful regardless of what is going on with your kid. I had (and still have) serious self-esteem issues from my own bad childhood (with parents who were extremely reactive and also being a highly sensitive kid much like my DD) and I learned that when I was losing it with her it was often stemming from fears and patterns from my own childhood I had to work through. Talking through that stuff has helped me be more empathetic with my kid and ALSO with myself which means that while I still get frustrated and exhausted this doesn't always lead to getting mad and losing my temper.

2) The more my kid sees me responding calmly and not losing my temper over her behavior the better she seems to do. The meltdowns still happen but tend to be shorter lived and I do see her using the strategies she's learned in therapy more. I think seeing me control my own temper and frustration in productive ways is helping her see it's possible -- we don't spiral anymore even when we have very hard days.

3) One of the best things I did was start prioritizing physical exercise for myself. This is hard -- I work and have a spouse with a high highly demanding job that means I solo parent a lot of the week. But daily intense exercise was a game changer for me. It's also led me to prioritizing physical activity for my kid and while I don't think it's been quite as revolutionary for her as it has for me I do see improvement on the margins. I just can't recommend the benefits to these dynamics of just truly rigorous exercise on a daily or near daily basis enough. The mind-body connection is real and something about this exercise makes everything else easier.

Good luck. I have more thoughts on this and will check back on this thread when I have a chance. All I can say now is that I have been there and it's hard but it WILL get better. Take care of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:How much sleep is she getting before her 6:45 wake up? Is she sleeping in a bedroom without any devices or TVs/radios? What is her diet like? What is her activity level like?

Getting adequate restful sleep, exercising daily preferably outdoors in a natural setting, and eating an anti inflammatory diet low in sugar and additives is all critical to optimal mental health and studies show that strictly following a hygienic sleep schedule and diet and exercise plan is as or more effective in the treatment of anxiety and depression as therapy and drugs. There are no negative side effects to sleep, a clean diet and moderate regular exercise.

You could take daily walks together after dinner and thus benefit both of you mental health and physical health wise and also build the relationship, maybe talking about her anxieties with her and how she can alleviate them.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel like all the therapy hasn't done anything. When she starts to spiral she refuses to do any of the techniques that she has been taught. When she talks calmly with her therapist she knows all the right things to say, how to do the techniques and her therapist always says she is doing great.

She is just such a moody, anxious child and I know that my reaction makes it worse but there is just so much I can take before I lose it. It makes me hate being a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so far from normal. It sounds like she can control her emotions in a variety of situations. Mental illness tends to permeate every area of life.

Personally, I would wake her up at 6. If she gets through the morning without a tantrum, then great. She can watch television or something. If she has a tantrum, then she misses her free time, and you don’t go into a panic.
I have three kids too, and one kid flipping out 5-10 minutes before we needed to get out the door has the whole household spiraling out of control.

I disagree. Some people have an amazing capacity to hold in and mask what is going on in their heads, until it builds to a head and explodes, often over something minor that seems too small for the big reaction. That's a red flag of masking.

+1 This really sounds like high-masking autism to me.

- Mom of Autistic girl

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real fix but can she shower at night, one less time consuming morning tax for you to monitor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so far from normal. It sounds like she can control her emotions in a variety of situations. Mental illness tends to permeate every area of life.

Personally, I would wake her up at 6. If she gets through the morning without a tantrum, then great. She can watch television or something. If she has a tantrum, then she misses her free time, and you don’t go into a panic.
I have three kids too, and one kid flipping out 5-10 minutes before we needed to get out the door has the whole household spiraling out of control.

I disagree. Some people have an amazing capacity to hold in and mask what is going on in their heads, until it builds to a head and explodes, often over something minor that seems too small for the big reaction. That's a red flag of masking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so far from normal. It sounds like she can control her emotions in a variety of situations. Mental illness tends to permeate every area of life.

Personally, I would wake her up at 6. If she gets through the morning without a tantrum, then great. She can watch television or something. If she has a tantrum, then she misses her free time, and you don’t go into a panic.
I have three kids too, and one kid flipping out 5-10 minutes before we needed to get out the door has the whole household spiraling out of control.

I disagree. Some people have an amazing capacity to hold in and mask what is going on in their heads, until it builds to a head and explodes, often over something minor that seems too small for the big reaction. That's a red flag of masking.