You are great at playing the Yes, But game! Congrats

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get a new job and ditch the DH. Find mom a retirement home. What's in any of this for you?

Loser DH wants to take half of my money and I am facing poverty. I think I’ll call in sick and check myself into the hospital for a few days. But then I can’t drop off DS at college. IDK… mom refuses any help unless I provide it in person. Did I mention she’s like an insane person now - not just forgetful.

Do you have joint account?
Talk to a lawyer..
everything , will work out.

I did. In my state unemployed spouse is entitled to 50% of everything plus alimony. Since DH is an abusive jerk, he will take it all.

Well then it's not "your" money is it?

I always thought alimony is supposed to protect lifetime SAH spouse for sacrificing their ability to earn a decent living. IDK if being voluntarily unemployed counts.. Courts must consider the years each person worked and their earning capability and also proof of them taking care of kids/household too. IDK much, I do know it's painful to divorce if you are the earner and don't want to support another adult in their leisure.

I know 2 women who were taken advantage of by their unemployed exes wanting alimony. Both stopped working to avoid paying alimony, divorce drags for years. One got lucky finding a well-off BF and ex being from a wealthy family. His parents help support grandkids. Another one isn't doing so well and also relies on family help but is living for years penny pinching and divorce not finalized. Ex found a job to support himself though because no other choice, we'll see where this goes.

OP's DH will not be happy in divorce unless he has a family support or some source of income he can hide. He will have to find a job at some point, it' will be a kick in the butt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get a new job and ditch the DH. Find mom a retirement home. What's in any of this for you?

Loser DH wants to take half of my money and I am facing poverty. I think I’ll call in sick and check myself into the hospital for a few days. But then I can’t drop off DS at college. IDK… mom refuses any help unless I provide it in person. Did I mention she’s like an insane person now - not just forgetful.

Do you have joint account?
Talk to a lawyer..
everything , will work out.

I did. In my state unemployed spouse is entitled to 50% of everything plus alimony. Since DH is an abusive jerk, he will take it all.

Well then it's not "your" money is it?

Take a day off and go see a divorce lawyer on steps you can take to protect yourself if you divorce in a year. Take another day off and rest.

I would try to put everything out of your mind except taking DC to college. This is a special time and different families do different things, and of course different schools have different procedures and social things. Whatever will make the best memory for your son, do it.

Next, get some rest. You sound sleep deprived and emotionally depleted. Hotel, friend, family, whatever you need.



Do not commit to any new jobs or put your mother in a permanent setting until you’ve been able to really strategize. If you can get some extra help for mom from friends or family, now is a great time. Just don’t do anything that ties you to being where you are right now.

Talk to more than one lawyer. Be cautious as you do this and gather information, don’t let DH know what you’re doing (you can come back here for more specific advice on that when the time comes). We’re getting ahead of things a bit, but maybe there’s a longer game- maybe you move to a more favorable jurisdiction.

This is a miserable time, but it’s not forever. There is a way out, it just isn’t clear yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there! Friday is almost here!! Best wishes for DC to have a great transition to college.
Then go dark to DH and mom for a few extra days.
FWIW - I would try to manage as OP rather than hospital. Unless you are to the point of considering self harm.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel OP and you are worth it!

Friday is not almost here. It’s only Tuesday.

Look at it as giving herself the gift of dropping the kid at college. It’s a special day and OP has earned and deserves it.

I wish you lots of rest and calm in the midst of this time.

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there! Friday is almost here!! Best wishes for DC to have a great transition to college.
Then go dark to DH and mom for a few extra days.
FWIW - I would try to manage as OP rather than hospital. Unless you are to the point of considering self harm.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel OP and you are worth it!

Friday is not almost here. It’s only Tuesday.

do you have siblings that can take your mom off your hands?

Hang in there! Friday is almost here!! Best wishes for DC to have a great transition to college.
Then go dark to DH and mom for a few extra days.
FWIW - I would try to manage as OP rather than hospital. Unless you are to the point of considering self harm.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel OP and you are worth it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. You need to prioritize yourself. I'm in a similar situation, and sometimes I feel the only reason I'm still alive is that my kids still need me.

I'm not quite sure what prioritizing oneself means, in the context of straightened funds, demands on one's time and an abusive spouse... but I listen to classical music, try to read good books and uplifting movies and spend time with my friends and children.

Is your mother on a waitlist for the appropriate government facility? She needs to be. You can't kill yourself trying to do everything, poor dear.

She can have in home care covered up to 24/7 but she refuses. Same for a home, she refuses and it would be sad for her.

PP you replied to. But she doesn't have a choice, OP. You will impose one of these choices for her, by trickery or persuasion. You can lie to her if need be. You need to attend to your own divorce (because you will do that too), and you cannot focus on your divorce and your aging mother at the same time.

Also check with a lawyer how long your ex can mooch off you if he's unemployed. I imagine it's not for ever, right?

12 years…

Really? 12 years? I had a close relative divorce recently and it was three years. I’d double check that.

You have it backwards. He will be leeching you dry not to mention all the mental anguish. The faster you divorce him, the faster you can start building wealth.
I divorced mine, but mine left me in credit card debt as he didn't work, but used my cards. I paid off the cards and 15 year later I retired because I got to be in charge of my own money and invested it well.
You need to change the underlying issues. Therapy can't do it. Once you fix the three or four, you have more time for your health.
That child of yours can drop himself off to college. My high school was a boarding school. My parents came by only twice.
That mother of yours can get help from social services and medicare.

Anonymous wrote:Utter work stress on a job I never signed up for (bait and switch); health issue that’s being mismanaged by providers; dropping DS off at college; DH eternally unemployed and verbally abusive; demented mother at home who acts like a crazy person and adds to mental stress and doesn’t take care of herself. I am trapped and close to a mental breakdown. Therapy appointment a few weeks out but won’t change the underlying issues anyway.

You can leave your situation OP. Get a new job, leave DH and your mom to the wilds. Start over. You are no longer responsible for anyone but yourself now that your child isnan adult.