Hmm I think she spends a lot and when I was working we were at 240k DINKs. That being said, agree it's less about going line by line and instead creating a purpose where the money could be going for a stronger future.

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

Aren’t Pelotons expensive AF? And don’t they have some sort of monthly subscription?

I spend way more than my husband does on my appearance, but I am considered by my woman friends to be super frugal.
$120 a month on workout classes
Do my own nails, supplies $50 every few months
Cut my own hair
Clothes pretty much all thrifted, inconsequential price. Never buy any luxury items.
Skincare I probably spend what your wife does
Lunches and coffees out, probably $150 a month
However I do work parttime outside the home.

Working (single) mom here, and the working moms should remember that life can be lonely as a SAHM. The gym membership may be where she connects/socializes, which is really important in the little kid years. It's also important that she take pride in her appearance. Obviously there should be limits, but the slide into frump can be real if you're not getting ready for work every day.

OP I agree with the poster upthread who said pay yourself first and decide on some shared, longterm financial goals for which savings are set aside regularly, then take your hands off the wheel. The WOH DH and SAHM DW can have pretty insidious dynamics in a marriage. Treat her like a partner rather than a dependent. And if she's acting like a dependent, work to change the dynamic.

I think YOU, OP, are not being realistic/honest about how much you spend on yourself. You never buy new clothes but have a professional job? How are your haircuts less than $100/year?

It did jump out at me that the expensive anniversary/birthday gifts--ostensibly gifts from you--you listed as "her" expenses. That was an interesting tell.

She spends a lot more than me, but, I look like crap and don't really care.

Your wife is spoiled, but probably believes what she is saying because she compares herself to other SAH wives in the Bethesda bubble.

I am a female who also lives in Bethesda but I support myself. I also was not raised in a wealthy home.

There are many things your wife could save on (mani/pedis, skin products, clothes). Perhaps, in light of your new family member you could each agree to reduce your spending by 10%, but you each get to pick how you do that.

Anonymous wrote:The details in your posts are strange. You guys go to different gyms? Spending less than $100 per year on everything including hair cuts for you sounds crazy low. My husband visits a barber and spends more than that per year. You never replace clothes? Good mens shoes are very expensive. Why is none of that on your list but once a year massages on hers?

Because his spending doesn’t count, obviously! Her shoes and clothes purchases are frivolous; his are necessary. Getting her hair cut is an indulgence; his haircuts are basic grooming.

And of course he (like most married men) is SO concerned about the accumulation of frivolous luxury purchases his spendaholic wife indulges in (e.g. a purse or a massage once a year), but he of course doesn’t count his Ford F250 that he needs to commute to his office job, his golf outings plus equipment/shoes/clothes for that, his giant plasma TV (or whatever the men children are into these days), and never ever the video game systems. After all, he only bought his $70K luxury truck ONCE! She buys a $500 purse/pair of shoes/dress EVERY YEAR!

I’m a husband and I can tell you I have less than perfect info in how much my wife spends but I would bet a month’s salary that it’s equal to or more than what you’re describing. I decided long ago not to be a snoop or a judgmental about it. As long as we can afford everything, and can save enough for college and to be able to retire comfortably in our 50s or early 60s, then the rest was not worth fighting about. My wife can be a ball buster whenever I question her on anything so I have to be judicious about what I push her on. But she also makes a ton of money for our household and gives me and our kids the kind of live and fun and other intangible gifts things that I can’t even put a price on. amd yes, she also likes nice things that I would never buy myself but she looks gorgeous when she’s put together. Eventually, I figured, with all she gives us, why am I nickeling and diming her on how much she spends on make up or clothes? If your wife makes you happy, and you can afford this while not sacrificing your long term financial values and goals, then this might not be worth hassling with her about. Now, I acknowledge that she might the kind of person who lives saving money and is willing to be super transparent with you about spending and to roll up her sleeves and help you to make your outflow of cash significantly less, such that it might make a real difference. But it’s gonna have to be a mutually amicable dynamic between the two of you, and also worth the extra effort for the actual benefit you get. Every time I’ve scrutinized my own spending, and I am as cheap as they come, I rarely discover anything that’s not mostly explained away by the reality of how much life actually costs. I suspect you’re asking for trouble if you’re expecting to be able to go back to her and somehow lay down the law with your own unilateral determination of what’s reasonable. At least not if she’s a modern woman.

I doubt you only spend $100/year on haircuts. That $8/month. Are you doing it yourself with an electric razor?

I bet you have more expenses than you think.

Anonymous wrote:PP again. I think it's unhealthy to think about this in terms of whether your wife does enough and "deserves" to spend on herself. You are together building a life and a family. If there are concerns about who is pulling more weight in that regard, I would address it separately from your budget. Your DW should not feel like she is "earning" the right to get her hair cut...that will not end well.

I don’t think who deserves what or is pulling what weight matters. In theory every SAHM should have nice hair, skin care, gym, clothes etc. but in reality people have budgets and have to cut back on a lot of things they in theory should have, but are nice to have, because money is finite. It has nothing to do with how much she is contributing at home. I’m sure OP isn’t out buying everything he thinks he should have.

Gym membership seems a bit high, but maybe it’s a place with childcare since she is a SAHM? Health is important so I wouldn’t push that.

Women’s haircuts are unfortunately fairly expensive especially if you get any coloring. I spend $350 every few months for balayage/cut. And nice hair is the type of thing that can keep you looking put together.

The manicure/pedicure seems unnecessary as does the skin care. I’m 40 and use a basic retinol that is $50 and lasts months + cetaphil cleanser and moisturizer and have nice skin. I only get a pedicure like 2x/year before vacation.

Spending $500-1000 once a year on a purse or the like seems stupid. One purse at that price should last years (but I’ll admit I’m fairly minimalist about accessories). I’m sympathetic to her clothing purchases though because even if you lose the weight your body goes through a lot of changes. But in general she is spending a lot more on clothes/accessories/skin care than I do with a 300k HHI.

$50-100/month on take out is <$25/week. For a busy mom with 2 kids that seems reasonable for her to occasionally not want to make lunch or coffee.

I’m usually pretty judgy of what people spend, but this is TOTALLY normal, except for maybe the gym membership at $200/month (that’s a little absurd. But if it has childcare and allows her to work out, that’s great. You should belong to the same gym on a family membership, maybe.

Doesn’t seem like she’s getting Botox, fillers, or anything costly like that, and you admit she looks good. That’s just pretty basic upkeep for a woman.

lol, DW here. You should see my husbands spending on skiing, fishing, and golfing.

Your wife’s is a drop in the bucket!

At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

I feel your pain, but this is normal. You can fight it but it’ll be futile. It’s the lifestyle all the other women around here live and it’s now your job to provide for it. Welcome to being a lower moco father and husband. Just wait til she wants the kids to go Landon, stone ridge, Hilton arms, or Georgetown prep and decides she needs a Land Rover.