Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the practical difference between assisted living and memory care? Can someone give me the order of situations from least dependent to most dependent?

In my experience with my mom, her assisted living place had people to help her if they were asked. So my mom and the others had to be able to ask for help. I think she was just at a bad assisted living place.

In memory care the caregivers are taking care of all of the people there, the come in and help them get dressed (if needed), they administer medications (although you can also pay extra for that in assisted living), they proactively go and get the people up and out and doing things so they aren’t sitting in their rooms isolated all day. They help the people in wheelchairs get around, and they feed those who are unable to feed themselves.

And good memory care places keep them engaged. They have activities and special events. My moms place has field trips for those able to go on Thursdays, they have exercises twice a day. They have dogs come in a few times a month and have now added an adoptable cat from a rescue to the schedule. They have musicians and artists and a host of other things to keep them engaged. It’s like summer camp for old people.

The problem is the "good" memory care places are few and far between. They don't have enough caregivers to dedicate a lot of time to each person. Getting them dressed and fed is about all you can expect. Remember that most long-term care is now corporate-owned so profit making is the goal. That means keeping your staffing expenses at a bare minimum.

Drugs are a lot cheaper than staff. The vast majority of them now keep people medicated so they are easier to manage. Many residents are in a state of stupor, which may or may not be better than being aware, angry and upset. Lobotomy by medication, essentially.

Yeah I was coming to ask where this memory care is that is like summer camp. We have looked a lot of places and most memory care is pretty depressing. Focused on dressing, toileting, and feeding. And even those three things are not necessarily done quickly or well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My mom was like this until I put her in memory care. No amount of time spent with her was enough, she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t quit my job to be with her all the time. In retrospect I think she was somewhat cognizant of the changes she was going through and I think she was terrified so she clung to the only person she had left, me. She was so incredibly selfish for about two years and I let my own health suffer. She came before anyone else in my life. She had three hospitalizations in six weeks.

I moved her to memory care in January and it has been such a blessing for us both. She’s found her people. I think she finally feels safe so she’s way less focused on me. I can return to being her daughter and not her unappreciated and uncompensated caregiver. They take weekly field trips so she no longer insists I take her everywhere (taking her anywhere these days is incredibly difficult, there’s no way to know how she’ll behave in public).

OP here. Im meeting with the director and head of clinical services and activities coordinator at her assisted living this week. Going to get their grasp of the situation, but I am wondering if memory care might be better for her. She talks about being "jailed" but if she found people like her to do things with that might be better. She has a lot of moments of not just lucidity but quite bright (she can forget whether she ate breakfast, forget the word for glasses, have trouble explaining herself and yet she wins the trivial pursuit contests against the non-affected seniors). So it would have to be stimulating enough for her, not just spaced out in front of a tv.

Someone who plays and wins trivial pursuit does not belong in memory care. Have you seen memory care units? It sounds like your mom is pretty high functioning.

Anonymous wrote:Do less for her. You will never make her happy so stop trying. You and your kids matter more than she does. You have been abused by her and seem codependent now. A therapist can help you break free and set boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the practical difference between assisted living and memory care? Can someone give me the order of situations from least dependent to most dependent?

In my experience with my mom, her assisted living place had people to help her if they were asked. So my mom and the others had to be able to ask for help. I think she was just at a bad assisted living place.

In memory care the caregivers are taking care of all of the people there, the come in and help them get dressed (if needed), they administer medications (although you can also pay extra for that in assisted living), they proactively go and get the people up and out and doing things so they aren’t sitting in their rooms isolated all day. They help the people in wheelchairs get around, and they feed those who are unable to feed themselves.

And good memory care places keep them engaged. They have activities and special events. My moms place has field trips for those able to go on Thursdays, they have exercises twice a day. They have dogs come in a few times a month and have now added an adoptable cat from a rescue to the schedule. They have musicians and artists and a host of other things to keep them engaged. It’s like summer camp for old people.

The problem is the "good" memory care places are few and far between. They don't have enough caregivers to dedicate a lot of time to each person. Getting them dressed and fed is about all you can expect. Remember that most long-term care is now corporate-owned so profit making is the goal. That means keeping your staffing expenses at a bare minimum.

Drugs are a lot cheaper than staff. The vast majority of them now keep people medicated so they are easier to manage. Many residents are in a state of stupor, which may or may not be better than being aware, angry and upset. Lobotomy by medication, essentially.

Anonymous wrote:

My mom was like this until I put her in memory care. No amount of time spent with her was enough, she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t quit my job to be with her all the time. In retrospect I think she was somewhat cognizant of the changes she was going through and I think she was terrified so she clung to the only person she had left, me. She was so incredibly selfish for about two years and I let my own health suffer. She came before anyone else in my life. She had three hospitalizations in six weeks.

I moved her to memory care in January and it has been such a blessing for us both. She’s found her people. I think she finally feels safe so she’s way less focused on me. I can return to being her daughter and not her unappreciated and uncompensated caregiver. They take weekly field trips so she no longer insists I take her everywhere (taking her anywhere these days is incredibly difficult, there’s no way to know how she’ll behave in public).

OP here. Im meeting with the director and head of clinical services and activities coordinator at her assisted living this week. Going to get their grasp of the situation, but I am wondering if memory care might be better for her. She talks about being "jailed" but if she found people like her to do things with that might be better. She has a lot of moments of not just lucidity but quite bright (she can forget whether she ate breakfast, forget the word for glasses, have trouble explaining herself and yet she wins the trivial pursuit contests against the non-affected seniors). So it would have to be stimulating enough for her, not just spaced out in front of a tv.

Anonymous wrote:

Is your mom on any medication? Sometimes anti-anxiety with an antipsychotic helps or just finding the right combo. At her age the worry about making sure she isn't kicked out of her facility and doesn't drive you insane is far more important than the worry about side effects of powerful meds.

So far they put her on buspar but she evidently did not sleep all night and was wandering into peoples rooms (this is all new behavior as of a week). Maybe they will try something stronger. She also refused medication yesterday and I guess they just accept it? She wouldnt take it unless she knew what it was and either didn’t understand or didn’t trust or they couldn’t explain.

We had to move her rapidly so just went to the memory care in her assisted living but I’m sort of regretting it already. It’s too big and understaffed. Most of the residents are zoned out. My mom is manic , walking around upset and not stopping loving which exhausts them. She also tells me “there’s something wrong with people ! They don’t talk,” which is true. But I can’t deal with another move right now (spending today and tomorrow packing up her old room and moving furniture when I really wanted a break). Maybe we have to give it a few months. I found a small, homey place near me with a staff ration of 5:16 during the day and 3:16 at night. It’s $$$ but probably worth it. From my reading the smaller the environment the better. What seems “stimulating” for normal brains (bigger more people etc) is very hard for dementia.


She has declined so much in just a few days that I cant believe it. She is confusing my timeline with her own I think—- asking me repeatedly me about my divorce, I’ve never been divorced, asking if I still live with my dad/her ex, calling my son by my brothers name, not knowing where she is, unable to use a telephone, and paranoid about some of the staff. I can’t believe she came over for thanksgiving and while she was gently confused she knew who everyone was, chatted easily, etc. it’s like my mom is gone. (She also couldn’t tell someone there who I was yesterday —either forgot I was her daughter or forgot the word, not sure).

Spoke with my brother finally. I guess he feels that he has no solution so why call. But it was good to talk with him. I made him come out for thanksgiving because I said that it might be the last time he can have a conversation with her and he didn’t really believe me but the way things are going she won’t recognize him Next year.

I still have all these mixed feelings—-I feel pity for the horror show of dementia but also some resentment that I’m stuck with her. Both my dad and brother opted out of course in their own ways years ago. The n.p. At the neurology practice told me, at the appt that my mom was diagnosed with stage 4, to educate myself and buckle up. She also said in her experience it’s almost always the daughters who take on the thankless tasks.

Is your mom on any medication? Sometimes anti-anxiety with an antipsychotic helps or just finding the right combo. At her age the worry about making sure she isn't kicked out of her facility and doesn't drive you insane is far more important than the worry about side effects of powerful meds.

Anonymous wrote:

OP just want to know if there are updates. Your mom is so much like mine and I am wondering if you found a residential place and how it worked out.

OP here. Just checked this thread. Its been a very challenging few weeks. My mother had a sudden and significant decline, and is now squarely in 'severe cognitive decline'--with paranoia, agitation, confusion, and unsafe behaviors. She has had two full medical workups and unfortunately its just dementia progression. I have had to hire 24/7 caregivers to sit with her in her assisted living facility which is ruinously expensive, so we are moving her tomorrow to the memory care wing. Its not how I wanted to do things--there are a few memory cares that are closer to me and that I think are better staffed, but I dont think we can wait the 2-3 weeks before we can move into one. In addition to expense, finding caregiver coverage over the holidays is tough and my mother is extremely agitated and suspicious around them--hates having them in her room (we had to remove the phones because she was calling the police saying she was being abused, when they had to try to keep her in her room as she was wandering the halls and knocking on doors in the middle of the night).

So, wish me luck. This has been so shocking. She was in decline, and confused, but was showering, dressing, going to meals, and able to have a conversation up until the past few weeks. Now she has no recollection moment to moment, has no sense of where she is, major pieces of her life history are gone. and she is so distressed, she is convinced that the caregivers are abusing her, or that we are all colluding, she is so angry at me for abandoning her, and is so upset that I do not believe that they are hurting her, etc. (they are not, one incident she described as torture was them taking her blood pressure). Its unbearably awful. I hope that she eventually settles down and does better in memory care, but its funny, just a month or two ago I was feeling like she wasn't ready for memory care yet, and wanted to ensure I could find one with "high functioning" people, now I'm just hoping to find one that can handle her challenging behaviors.

I have sent several long texts to my sibling about what's happening. No response from him. He has no kids, spouse, pets, etc. Meanwhile my husband's mother fell this past week and was in the hospital too (we have both mothers here) and our teen kids have been more or less neglected while we deal with it all.

OP just want to know if there are updates. Your mom is so much like mine and I am wondering if you found a residential place and how it worked out.

Maybe there is no good solution.

Maybe she's a nasty old lady who mistreats her daughter. Maybe OP's first responsibility is to herself and her own nuclear family, and the nasty old lady who mistreats her might have to settle for assisted living and/or memory care professionals to care for her.

it's sad, but lots of things in life are. What's also sad is OP running herself down and being unable to be a good parent to her own kids because she's so focused on pleasing a parent who will never be happy with her.