Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 15:18     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Don't throw the older women under the bus. Plenty of younger women have a blind spot and we read about it every day.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 14:47     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
There is no way to say this in a comfortable way, but it needs to be said, OP. I agree with you.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 14:42     Subject: Re:Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are being unreasonable to not allow a man that neither you nor your children have ever met to stay in your home for an extended period. I wouldn't allow that either. And I say this as someone who loved her grandmother's boyfriend as a grandfather but I knew him for a decade.

You may find yourself without childcare or with a pissed off MIL but I would rather cancel my trip than have her come with the boyfriend. Just be prepared for that scenario.


I told Dh I would rather not go on the trip than have this man stay at our house. I originally was thinking of safety for my children.

Now that I think deeper, I don’t think this man is in a good financial situation. He hangs out at my MIL’s paid off house, eats her food and they drive their car around. I don’t think his car is functioning. We have many valuables in our house. I just don’t want to worry about this when we are away.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 14:06     Subject: Re:Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
New boyfriend?
You and DH will be overseas?
Staying in your house?
You and DC have never met him?

OP, you know the answer here. DH tells mom that you all would prefer MIL to come alone for this trip, you'd like to spend time with and better meet BF sometime after the trip. And find other accommodations as backup, because MIL might decide she's out.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 13:59     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can say no but be prepared for her to back out of childcare.

This. We told my mom no and it’s been years of hurt feelings. I’d still say no because his judgement isn’t good and mom defers to him but it has definitely had a negative effect on our relationship


Yup. It's partially generational, partially grumpy old man, partially that my mom doesn't feel comfortable living as the only person in her home, and partially that he hasn't told her of certain of his problems. Or maybe he has told her but she's in denial or "forgot", I dunno-- I found out through others in the community about his adult child's drug problem. Anyway, a huge blind spot around the boyfriend is all too common in older women. I would say no.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 13:55     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:You can say no but be prepared for her to back out of childcare.

This. We told my mom no and it’s been years of hurt feelings. I’d still say no because his judgement isn’t good and mom defers to him but it has definitely had a negative effect on our relationship
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 13:28     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Two words for you: Alice Munro


I know she is an author. Please elaborate on the rest. No, I don't want to google.


Basically her new husband molested her daughter and she refused to leave him even after he pleaded guilty to it.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2024/07/12/alice-munro-abuse-canada-reckoning/


she even suspected her husband of murdering a girl!
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 13:26     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
I would think she no longer feels up to the challenge of doing this on her own. Accept it.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:59     Subject: Re:Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
I don't think you are being unreasonable to not allow a man that neither you nor your children have ever met to stay in your home for an extended period. I wouldn't allow that either. And I say this as someone who loved her grandmother's boyfriend as a grandfather but I knew him for a decade.

You may find yourself without childcare or with a pissed off MIL but I would rather cancel my trip than have her come with the boyfriend. Just be prepared for that scenario.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:44     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you want free childcare but don't want that person to be comfortable?

Good luck. Are you prepared to find alternate childcare if she backs out? Who else do you trust to watch your children while you are overseas? Would you rather cancel the trip or trust your MILs judgement?


If MIL is so codependent or so incapable of caregiving that she isn't comfortable without her boyfriend, even though she's done this several times in the past with no other adult, then yes. I would not want the free childcare in this situation and would cancel the trip or find other care.

Are you OP? It's a real possibility that she needs to be prepared for. I'm not being flippant. If she decides she won't come if he can't, it may put OP in a sticky situation.


Im not being flippant either. I would absolutely look for other care or cancel the trip. Pressuring people for childcare when they're reluctant for *any* reason is a bad idea.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:42     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you want free childcare but don't want that person to be comfortable?

Good luck. Are you prepared to find alternate childcare if she backs out? Who else do you trust to watch your children while you are overseas? Would you rather cancel the trip or trust your MILs judgement?


If MIL is so codependent or so incapable of caregiving that she isn't comfortable without her boyfriend, even though she's done this several times in the past with no other adult, then yes. I would not want the free childcare in this situation and would cancel the trip or find other care.

Are you OP? It's a real possibility that she needs to be prepared for. I'm not being flippant. If she decides she won't come if he can't, it may put OP in a sticky situation.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:40     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Two words for you: Alice Munro


I know she is an author. Please elaborate on the rest. No, I don't want to google.


Basically her new husband molested her daughter and she refused to leave him even after he pleaded guilty to it.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2024/07/12/alice-munro-abuse-canada-reckoning/
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:37     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you do not trust your MIL’s judgement to pick a decent man as her boyfriend but you trust her to care for your kids while you travel. That’s convenient. What does your husband want?


So many women, especially older women, have blind spots or poor judgment where men are concerned.

OP I would be an absolute no. It’s super weird that your mom would want a new boyfriend who has never met you or your kids to stay at your house with you out of town.


This. It's because the men their age are dying off, so women make big compromises and overlook major problems just to have a man at all.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:35     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Two words for you: Alice Munro


I know she is an author. Please elaborate on the rest. No, I don't want to google.
Anonymous
Post 08/08/2024 12:31     Subject: Can we say no to MIL bringing her boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you do not trust your MIL’s judgement to pick a decent man as her boyfriend but you trust her to care for your kids while you travel. That’s convenient. What does your husband want?


So many women, especially older women, have blind spots or poor judgment where men are concerned.

OP I would be an absolute no. It’s super weird that your mom would want a new boyfriend who has never met you or your kids to stay at your house with you out of town.


I don't think it's super weird that she wants to bring her boyfriend as she likely trusts him and assumes you trust her judgment; however, I agree that many older women have poor judgment where men are concerned. If you say no, be prepared to cause a rift in the relationship and potentially lose childcare. You still have to trust your gut, so if it feels wrong, start looking for alternative care or cancel your trip.