Anonymous
Post 08/12/2024 11:16     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.


My DS was exactly like this. He was extremely shy, quiet, and introverted from ES through MS. I knew I had to do something about it. He didn't like team sports, so I had him take tennis and piano/guitar lessons at the age of seven. It didn't help much from ES to MS. However, once he was in HS, he started to shine because he played varsity tennis as a freshman and the team won the state championship. He also did theater, and played in a band outside of school. Other boys wanted to hang out with him and girls wanted to date him. He is no longer shy, quiet and introverted anymore. He will start his freshman year at UVA in a couple of weeks.

​OP's daughter needs to pickup a hobby like Pickleball and it will boost her confidence. Best of luck.


I'm op and my dd actually does play pickleball! She's very good and has zero issue playing against adults, kids she doesn't know, and she often wins. So it's not a confidence issue. She also plays other sports, has a leadership position, has no issue speaking up for herself...But she just constantly gets this "you're shy" feedback, unsolicited when hanging out socially. I do not believe it is meant as a compliment at all.


I know what you mean- I used to get comments like that in high school and it just made me more self conscious. I kind of wish my parents had gotten me to see a counselor to work on it. Not that there is something wrong with being shy, but just to learn to develop more confidence and ways to interact with people.
And the people who make those comments are probably well meaning and want to get to know her better.


No they aren’t well meaning
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2024 09:08     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.


My DS was exactly like this. He was extremely shy, quiet, and introverted from ES through MS. I knew I had to do something about it. He didn't like team sports, so I had him take tennis and piano/guitar lessons at the age of seven. It didn't help much from ES to MS. However, once he was in HS, he started to shine because he played varsity tennis as a freshman and the team won the state championship. He also did theater, and played in a band outside of school. Other boys wanted to hang out with him and girls wanted to date him. He is no longer shy, quiet and introverted anymore. He will start his freshman year at UVA in a couple of weeks.

​OP's daughter needs to pickup a hobby like Pickleball and it will boost her confidence. Best of luck.


I'm op and my dd actually does play pickleball! She's very good and has zero issue playing against adults, kids she doesn't know, and she often wins. So it's not a confidence issue. She also plays other sports, has a leadership position, has no issue speaking up for herself...But she just constantly gets this "you're shy" feedback, unsolicited when hanging out socially. I do not believe it is meant as a compliment at all.


I know what you mean- I used to get comments like that in high school and it just made me more self conscious. I kind of wish my parents had gotten me to see a counselor to work on it. Not that there is something wrong with being shy, but just to learn to develop more confidence and ways to interact with people.
And the people who make those comments are probably well meaning and want to get to know her better.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2024 07:58     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DS was exactly like this. He was extremely shy, quiet, and introverted from ES through MS. I knew I had to do something about it. He didn't like team sports, so I had him take tennis and piano/guitar lessons at the age of seven. It didn't help much from ES to MS. However, once he was in HS, he started to shine because he played varsity tennis as a freshman and the team won the state championship. He also did theater, and played in a band outside of school. Other boys wanted to hang out with him and girls wanted to date him. He is no longer shy, quiet and introverted anymore. He will start his freshman year at UVA in a couple of weeks.

​OP's daughter needs to pickup a hobby like Pickleball and it will boost her confidence. Best of luck.


I'm op and my dd actually does play pickleball! She's very good and has zero issue playing against adults, kids she doesn't know, and she often wins. So it's not a confidence issue. She also plays other sports, has a leadership position, has no issue speaking up for herself...But she just constantly gets this "you're shy" feedback, unsolicited when hanging out socially. I do not believe it is meant as a compliment at all.


Why does she even care about those unsolicited feedback comments? My DS also got unsolicited feedback comments all the time when he was in HS from friends, and he usually did two things: 1- Ignore them; 2- tell the other kid(s) that "unless you win the state championship as a freshman, you need to STFU."

If your DD is bothered by those unsolicited comments, she has other issues.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 21:51     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.


My DS was exactly like this. He was extremely shy, quiet, and introverted from ES through MS. I knew I had to do something about it. He didn't like team sports, so I had him take tennis and piano/guitar lessons at the age of seven. It didn't help much from ES to MS. However, once he was in HS, he started to shine because he played varsity tennis as a freshman and the team won the state championship. He also did theater, and played in a band outside of school. Other boys wanted to hang out with him and girls wanted to date him. He is no longer shy, quiet and introverted anymore. He will start his freshman year at UVA in a couple of weeks.

​OP's daughter needs to pickup a hobby like Pickleball and it will boost her confidence. Best of luck.


I'm op and my dd actually does play pickleball! She's very good and has zero issue playing against adults, kids she doesn't know, and she often wins. So it's not a confidence issue. She also plays other sports, has a leadership position, has no issue speaking up for herself...But she just constantly gets this "you're shy" feedback, unsolicited when hanging out socially. I do not believe it is meant as a compliment at all.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 21:35     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote: Can teens not just be who they are?!?

She sounds lovely OP. Do not medicate her or tell her anything is wrong with her.


DP here. Sometimes it is the teen that wants/ask for help and advice.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 11:08     Subject: Social anxiety
Can teens not just be who they are?!?

She sounds lovely OP. Do not medicate her or tell her anything is wrong with her.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 10:48     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.


My DS was exactly like this. He was extremely shy, quiet, and introverted from ES through MS. I knew I had to do something about it. He didn't like team sports, so I had him take tennis and piano/guitar lessons at the age of seven. It didn't help much from ES to MS. However, once he was in HS, he started to shine because he played varsity tennis as a freshman and the team won the state championship. He also did theater, and played in a band outside of school. Other boys wanted to hang out with him and girls wanted to date him. He is no longer shy, quiet and introverted anymore. He will start his freshman year at UVA in a couple of weeks.

​OP's daughter needs to pickup a hobby like Pickleball and it will boost her confidence. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 10:44     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.


Only to dominant types who feel the need to suck the air out of the room.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 10:43     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


Remarking on something judged negatively by society is an insult.


That says more about the person saying it than who it’s directed towards.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 10:31     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


No it's not.

Shy is very different then reserved, quiet, introverted, etc. Like the strong silent type, that's not negative. Shy means weakness, that they are weak. That may not be accurate.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 08:28     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.


Remarking on something judged negatively by society is an insult.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 07:15     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is she interpreting kids commenting that she is shy as an insult? It’s not an insult to be shy.


It's never a compliment.

It’s not an insult either. It just is.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 07:13     Subject: Social anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What has worked for your child? Dd is 17, tried Cbt and it was not helpful. She really puts herself out there, plays sports, is club president… but she says people constantly identify her as shy, introverted, say so behind her back…she has three friends, but two are through her brother and the other not such a good friend. I so wish I could help her more with this, she says she wishes she could make more friends but nothing is working. Did you go the psychiatry route or did something else help?


Anti-anxiety meds actually helped us senior year of high school and freshmen year of college.


It’s a good idea to check this out. Too many college students with social anxiety use alcohol to relax in social situations.


Lots of adults do too. Is she anxious or just shy and introverted?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 07:02     Subject: Social anxiety
What helped was the right therapist who helped get my daughter onboard with the right psych NP— together they were a dream team. 1 year of weekly therapy, tapered down to bu weekly, then monthly, ramped up again for transition to college and now they check in when things get rough. Daughter went on an ssri for about 18 months and then tapered off. It was truly just to make the therapy accessible. I can give the name of the therapist but I’m not even sure it matters because it really seems to be about finding the right match— case in point: our neighbor went to her and didn’t find them as helpful… went about 6 months and then ended up not going after that.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2024 05:42     Subject: Social anxiety
Maybe you both should read the book quiet. Our society sees certain personality types as inferior and they shouldn't. I think she just needs to become more confident in herself. It doesn't make sense that people make all these comments about her personality, especially when she puts herself out there so much. I used to hate college because I felt like I always had to have something to do every Fri/Sat night. Now I am much more ok with myself and don't worry about that even though social anxiety doesnt ever really go away.