Children are not robots. You’re talking about a human who has had 10 years of experience on this earth, and 15 years away from their frontal lobe being fully developed. They test boundaries, they lose inhibitions when somewhere else and caught up in the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

That’s not a consequence though. It would be like a cop telling you repeatedly to stop speeding. The ticket is the consequence that ends the behavior.

In this example, I would’ve taken the child home and ended the fun with friends.

I think being reprimanded in front of friends is a consequence. Because it's unpleasant. Or if it delays any more fun activity.

Here is what I would do:

1) Talk with son, tell him you find this to be a problem, and ask him his input. Make a show of listening to his opinions at length. Ask which of his friends are best behaved at school-- it might not be who you think, and it's good to know.

2) Write up "house rules" and post them. Put a lot of thought into it but keep the language super simple. Some boys' auditory and language processing is quite poor. Posting the rules means kids don't feel like you're randomly making up rules, and they know what to expect.

3) Invite kids over 1 or 2 at a time and point out the rules. Thank them when they comply nicely. You're trying to teach them expectations in advance of returning to larger group hosting. If they are good, mention it to their parents within their earshot.

4) if you do have to announce a rule, do it once, and if not complied, speak directly to the offending kid and tell him "My house has rules. Do you want to stay by the rules, or go home?". Give one more chance, but if you do send a kid home it's a great opportunity to prove to all of them that you mean it.

5) Remember that you are doing the right thing and that it's in their best interest to learn some age-appropriate manners!!!

I don't see this. But I raised my kids to be more chill and they are naturally pretty chill, and they have friends that match.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

That’s not a consequence though. It would be like a cop telling you repeatedly to stop speeding. The ticket is the consequence that ends the behavior.

In this example, I would’ve taken the child home and ended the fun with friends.

You give an excuse for your kid, but not for other people’s children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are too high

Especially for fourth grade boys! Good Lord.

This reaction is the problem.

You seem weirdly obsessed with kids clearing their plates, OP. Which means I can almost guarantee your child does not clear his plate when he’s at others’ houses, because that’s pretty much always how that goes.

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I’m saying this as a millennial : millennial parents are bad at having boundaries with their kids. They’re so focused on “minimizing trauma” and “gentle parenting” that there’s little authoritative parenting happening. It’s increasingly common among kids your son’s age to have these kinds of manners and traits because of this. And I’m not speaking idly; I’m a teacher, I call home and parents’ responses to concerns is VASTLY different than even 6-7 years ago.

OP here--this is interesting. I didn't realize that gentle parenting had been around long enough to infect 5th-graders. But that would explain some things.

I get it OP. I did a carpool at one point this summer and almost kicked one of the 9 y.o. boys out of my car. He was just that rude, totally entitled. But I was very firm with him and told him directly that he was being rude, it's my car/my rules and he begrudgingly backed down. Quite frankly, I will never invite him to anything again. And his parents are nice people but my blood pressure can't take regularly helping them out with rides. He really pissed me off. On the bright side, I have used him as a stark example of how NOT to be for my kids.

In some ways, I feel bad for that kid. He will go through life acting like a little sh*t and wondering why people don't like him and will miss all sorts of social opportunities because his parents could not consistently teach him basic manners.

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

This. I only had to take my kid home early from a play date once and it never happened again. Boundaries are even more important when kids are surrounded by others.

I do think like attracts like, OP. My kids and their friends at 10 years old were generally a lot calmer. One of my kids has inattentive ADHD, which means he's a quiet day dreamer. We've had a couple of hyperactive guests. They were a handful!

I also think you're conflating multiple issues: hyperactivity and age-appropriate manners associated with how familiar they are with your routine and home layout.

No 10 year old I know has ever asked where to put their dishes or cleaned up, and I don't expect them to because I have my own system for tidying up. I do wish kids would remember to put trash in the trash can, which they probably do in their own home, but in mine, they might not feel comfortable going to the trash can if they don't visit often. I've seen kids ask where the trash can is (it's not obvious in our house), and I've seen kids leave their trash where it was without asking. My children's best friends cleaned up when they grew to be teenagers, because they were older and had grown to be familiar with my house and routine.

However the part where a kid asks 20 times for something, or needs instructions repeated multiple times... that is ADHD. You need to be firm when that happens, and parent that kid exactly like you would your own.

- parent of teens and young adults.

Ds is 11 and I haven't experienced this with his friends. I think the worst offense is them hiding or running away because they want to extend their playdate. But I remember doing it as a kid and when I tell them that's enough it's time to leave, they follow through.

You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

My niece (4th grade) is just like this.

From my vantage point, it's a parenting issue rather than a gender issue.