Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And did you discuss with them?

My sister got physical custody and spouses brother got the estate. This ensured one family was not cut-off/abandoned. Yes we discussed it with them (they both thought we were a little nuts).

Both in their 20s now, so thankfully, never needed

So sister has to do all the childcare but doesn’t get your money? And wouldn’t your remaining money go to your kids?

We never did. Just never got around to it. Thankfully our oldest 2 are now adults and would be the guardians for our teen.

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny. DH’s family is all overseas, and I had our kids at 39 and 41 and my only sibling is 8 years older. If we picked my sister then our kids would be at a high risk of not only losing both parents before 18 but then also losing their replacement guardian at a youngish age. Nanny is late-20’s and single but she loves them like her own and would make sure that our family is in their lives but she would also be able to be there for them for decades to come after their extended family have died or succumbed to dementia.

This is … weird. Your nanny is your employee, not your relative. It seems like you think your nanny will continue working for you after your (theoretical) death. And she likely didn’t feel she coule say no if you were still employing her! And yeah, presumably you’re also leaving her a big chunk of money?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have no good candidates really. My siblings aren’t local and don’t have stable lives in which to properly raise kids. My husband’s only sibling is a terrible person and lives abroad anyway. We don’t have any friends close enough to ask. So it’s my parents but they’re in their 70s and our kids are young so I know it’s not a great option either…sigh

I'm the PP who asked if kids always go into foster care absent of a will, and we are in the same position. I'm an only child. DH has a brother, but he and his wife have young children of their own and are a military family, so they move frequently. Grandparents are all well into their 70s, and we don't have friends close enough that I would feel comfortable making this kind of request.
DH's brother would likely take them without objection, but I know the constant moves would be unsettling for our children, as would the distance from my parents, to whom they are very close.
This is one of those things that keeps me up at night when I start to dwell on it.

Obviously your DH’s brother would take them. Stop worrying about it.

Anonymous wrote:And did you discuss with them?

My sister got physical custody and spouses brother got the estate. This ensured one family was not cut-off/abandoned. Yes we discussed it with them (they both thought we were a little nuts).

Both in their 20s now, so thankfully, never needed

Yes. We chose my bil but I have concerns about his wife, now that he’s married. The problem is that the grand parents can’t handle the responsibility and he’s the best option. The other siblings do not have their lives together. If my son didn’t have special needs, I’d probably ask a friend to help, but my one child is a handful. So right now, plan A is to stay alive. Before BIL married, I felt much better about our choices.

I posted above about asking our dear friends with a daughter to do this. We had started the process when our daughter was born, and never finalized it, and then COVID hit and it forced us to act quickly. My inlaws, who were not great parents to my wife (although are better grandparents), are not equipped--too old, too emotionally stunted, etc. They were understanding. They were already talking about being too old to get another dog, so they were not exactly thinking they had 16 years of child-rearing ahead of them. And, they're kind of pre-occupied with fighting with each other and worrying obsessively about daily stuff (they talk about medical appointments and spend their days worrying about such things--not exactly the environment we want for her). The siblings are all psychologically troubled and unstable. The most important thing was to have the conversations with the friends (two sets, a primary and a secondary) and make sure they would be the kinds of parents you'd want for your kid. The family you choose, so to speak.

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny. DH’s family is all overseas, and I had our kids at 39 and 41 and my only sibling is 8 years older. If we picked my sister then our kids would be at a high risk of not only losing both parents before 18 but then also losing their replacement guardian at a youngish age. Nanny is late-20’s and single but she loves them like her own and would make sure that our family is in their lives but she would also be able to be there for them for decades to come after their extended family have died or succumbed to dementia.

Former au pair; sister; childhood best friend. Discussed with all of them.

Anonymous wrote:We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

My brother would also take them, but he is currently a single dad going through a divorce. He has one child. We might have him become guardian once his life is a bit more stable.
DH has very old parents that are not close to our kids and 3 siblings that are not suitable for different reasons.

We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have no good candidates really. My siblings aren’t local and don’t have stable lives in which to properly raise kids. My husband’s only sibling is a terrible person and lives abroad anyway. We don’t have any friends close enough to ask. So it’s my parents but they’re in their 70s and our kids are young so I know it’s not a great option either…sigh

I'm the PP who asked if kids always go into foster care absent of a will, and we are in the same position. I'm an only child. DH has a brother, but he and his wife have young children of their own and are a military family, so they move frequently. Grandparents are all well into their 70s, and we don't have friends close enough that I would feel comfortable making this kind of request.
DH's brother would likely take them without objection, but I know the constant moves would be unsettling for our children, as would the distance from my parents, to whom they are very close.
This is one of those things that keeps me up at night when I start to dwell on it.

In the very, very unlikely event both you and your husband die before the kids are grown, it sounds like you have nice family who would lovingly care for your kids even if they are either old (grandparents) or military (DH’s brother).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have never talked about it. If I die, DH is first choice to be guardian. If it is not an option, my kids will go to my parents or my siblings. They will not leave my kids as orphans.

Um duh…this would happen automatically/by default even if it’s not in writing.

Yes, pp, you don’t “name” your spouse as the kid’s guardian upon your death. They are already the kid’s guardian too.

We named my parents when our oldest was born, but they have aged a lot in the past 14 years, so we recently updated our will and named DH’s brother and his wife. And yes, you should always discuss it before naming someone!

Anonymous wrote:We have no good candidates really. My siblings aren’t local and don’t have stable lives in which to properly raise kids. My husband’s only sibling is a terrible person and lives abroad anyway. We don’t have any friends close enough to ask. So it’s my parents but they’re in their 70s and our kids are young so I know it’s not a great option either…sigh

I'm the PP who asked if kids always go into foster care absent of a will, and we are in the same position. I'm an only child. DH has a brother, but he and his wife have young children of their own and are a military family, so they move frequently. Grandparents are all well into their 70s, and we don't have friends close enough that I would feel comfortable making this kind of request.
DH's brother would likely take them without objection, but I know the constant moves would be unsettling for our children, as would the distance from my parents, to whom they are very close.
This is one of those things that keeps me up at night when I start to dwell on it.

Anonymous wrote:We have never talked about it. If I die, DH is first choice to be guardian. If it is not an option, my kids will go to my parents or my siblings. They will not leave my kids as orphans.

Um duh…this would happen automatically/by default even if it’s not in writing.