Anonymous
Post 07/29/2024 17:33     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.


+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.

I think it really depends on how the siblings will react. The favored siblings in my family would either deny it happened or downplay the statement. But in either event they wouldn't get the problem or consider it hurtful and would roll their eyes at me. Heck, when my other disfavored sibling disclosed that they'd been molested by a family member, my favored sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." You just can't make some people get it.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2024 10:01     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.


+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2024 09:53     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t discuss your past with your kids. Blame dementia even if it’s not true. Grandma is old and doesn’t know what she’s saying.


Talking about it takes the power out of it and prevents the generational trauma.


Maybe. I’m on the other side of this. I was one of the not favorite grandchildren and my parents always talked to us about it and reassured us. They are STILL talking about this. We think they should have gotten some therapy. I didn’t have any deep trauma and the issues really were with my father and his siblings, not the cousins. I’ve posted before and the cousins didn’t care. We got along fine and still do. We laughed it off and are all adults now. My parents, who are now elderly, go overboard to make sure they do not tell our kids which is a favorite because they do not want it be like how we grew up. It’s at the point that our kids, the new grandkids, joke about which are the favorites because it’s still being discussed too much.

I’m sticking with “grandma has dementia” and moving on.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 18:15     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
What an awful thing to verbalize. I’m sorry you grew up with that and sorry she shared her “ranking” with her grandkids. My mom’s mother told her that she never wanted kids and my mom never got over it.

I would share that she shamed the nephew about food-that can lead to serious problems. Why are you obligated to visit this person? Take care of yourself and your kids. I applaud the work you’ve done.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 14:49     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is your mom a narcissist? Yes, I know the word is throw around here a lot, but I think that is because we are now more aware of toxic behaviors and know what to call them.
Only a horribly abusive parent would say something like that.
My young adult kids will ask me who is my favorite, lol! I have two kids. I tell DD that she is my favorite daughter and that my son is my favorite son.


I'm not sure if she's a narcissist or has another mental illness, like bipolar or something else. All I know it that it was psychologically abusive to grow up in that environment and I've done quite a bit to overcome and not repeat the behaviors, including parenting classes.

My siblings see a bit of it now because of the things she says to their kids, but they did not experience it the way I did. Is it worth telling then about this?

I also witnessed my mom shaming my nephew about food in an abusive sort of way. I was a big like a deer in headlights and didn't say anything at the time. Do I tell my sibling? Would they even believe me? Sometimes I think my sibling just passes on the abuse we experienced to their children and I'm not even sure what the right course of action is. To be clear, it's emotional/psychological abuse only.

I won't see any of them again until the 3-5 day obligatory trip next summer.


You and I have very different definitions of that word. Don't be a doormat.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 14:43     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s a Free Pass to not expend any mental or financial effort if ever she needs it in her old age, OP. You can explain this to your family, including her, if ever it comes up.

Distance yourself from your mother and explain to your kids, nieces and nephews that they are all wonderful humans, that you love them all to bits, and that their Grandma was wrong to rank them.





I do this already. We spend about 5 days a year with them. I'm so angry that she would do this.

She is always saying how Larla (the second to last) is just like me. Always. I always correct her "no, she's John's kid. She's just like John"


PP you replied to. I know this is an emotional subject, but you're only hurting yourself. This is only to be expected, right? She is how she's always been. Every relative is fair game to her, even minors. If I were you, I'd relay the information to your siblings, in an FYI sort of message. If they choose to do nothing, that's their decision. And I wouldn't correct her in that way - the children are not little copies of one of their relatives. They have their own identity. Let's not compare, period.

It's going to be OK, OP. YOU are a good parent. Your children are not your mother's victims, day in, day out, like you were. And I hope your nieces and nephews have good parents as well. When you think about it, their grandparents only have a very limited influence on their development. It's you who is hurting most, perhaps, because she's making you relive childhood trauma.


Thanks. I'll tell my siblings, then at least I've done my part. My kids weren't really hurt by this, because I've told them what she's like and that's why we don't visit often. This information was really just a confirmation of what they've already heard. It did evoke all those old feelings I worked so hard to escape, so yeah, it's a me problem.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 14:39     Subject: Re:Ranking of the grandkids
I was the least favorite and they sure made me know about it. Guess who they called when shit hit the fan and they needed help? Financial, emotional, "honey, we are losing our house". Their least favorite because their golden kids bailed on them. I did get my satisfaction.

Tell your DC that she doesn't owe them any type of relationship, let alone help. And save money on vacations visiting grandma.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 13:49     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Your mom is sadly a petty and miserable person. She knows what she is doing when she does this. She does it to inflict harm.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 13:19     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:Don’t discuss your past with your kids. Blame dementia even if it’s not true. Grandma is old and doesn’t know what she’s saying.

Why? Is that not covering up for the abuser, again and again? They get off free, and everyone does everything to let them be abusive jerks.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 13:16     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is your mom a narcissist? Yes, I know the word is throw around here a lot, but I think that is because we are now more aware of toxic behaviors and know what to call them.
Only a horribly abusive parent would say something like that.
My young adult kids will ask me who is my favorite, lol! I have two kids. I tell DD that she is my favorite daughter and that my son is my favorite son.


I'm not sure if she's a narcissist or has another mental illness, like bipolar or something else. All I know it that it was psychologically abusive to grow up in that environment and I've done quite a bit to overcome and not repeat the behaviors, including parenting classes.

My siblings see a bit of it now because of the things she says to their kids, but they did not experience it the way I did. Is it worth telling then about this?

I also witnessed my mom shaming my nephew about food in an abusive sort of way. I was a big like a deer in headlights and didn't say anything at the time. Do I tell my sibling? Would they even believe me? Sometimes I think my sibling just passes on the abuse we experienced to their children and I'm not even sure what the right course of action is. To be clear, it's emotional/psychological abuse only.

I won't see any of them again until the 3-5 day obligatory trip next summer.

Your mom gets any self esteem from tearing down others, even a child, you see how messed up that is?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 12:42     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s a Free Pass to not expend any mental or financial effort if ever she needs it in her old age, OP. You can explain this to your family, including her, if ever it comes up.

Distance yourself from your mother and explain to your kids, nieces and nephews that they are all wonderful humans, that you love them all to bits, and that their Grandma was wrong to rank them.





I do this already. We spend about 5 days a year with them. I'm so angry that she would do this.

She is always saying how Larla (the second to last) is just like me. Always. I always correct her "no, she's John's kid. She's just like John"


PP you replied to. I know this is an emotional subject, but you're only hurting yourself. This is only to be expected, right? She is how she's always been. Every relative is fair game to her, even minors. If I were you, I'd relay the information to your siblings, in an FYI sort of message. If they choose to do nothing, that's their decision. And I wouldn't correct her in that way - the children are not little copies of one of their relatives. They have their own identity. Let's not compare, period.

It's going to be OK, OP. YOU are a good parent. Your children are not your mother's victims, day in, day out, like you were. And I hope your nieces and nephews have good parents as well. When you think about it, their grandparents only have a very limited influence on their development. It's you who is hurting most, perhaps, because she's making you relive childhood trauma.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 12:36     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:Don’t discuss your past with your kids. Blame dementia even if it’s not true. Grandma is old and doesn’t know what she’s saying.


Talking about it takes the power out of it and prevents the generational trauma.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 12:01     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Don't bring your kids around your toxic mother? I mean -- seriously. She did the exact same thing to you; why would you expect anything different?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 11:52     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Don’t discuss your past with your kids. Blame dementia even if it’s not true. Grandma is old and doesn’t know what she’s saying.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2024 11:49     Subject: Ranking of the grandkids
Anonymous wrote:It reminds me of this viral video of a grandma ranking her grandkids (grandkids are all adults and seemed to be onboard)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmJyPeV14ZQ


Yeah, it's nothing like this.