Anonymous wrote:The grandkids who were white got lots of money for private school and college. The ones who weren’t white got a small sum for community college. My parents are really bad people.

I hope, for your kids sake, you don't associate with your parents anymore.

Anonymous wrote:Question for parents of adult kids: what is your system for contributing to your kid’s big life events in a way that is fair (assuming you can afford to and would like to)? Example life events: wedding, showers, first home purchase, grandkids, etc.

My kid is in college still so we don't have those kind of contributions yet, but my parents helped paid for my wedding, first home purchase and yes, things for their grandkids.

However, they didn't help my sister at all, she never got married, bought a home or had kids. They didn't think she needed the "extra" help.

Anonymous wrote:In my family the needier/less put together kids get more.

This is me, but we didn't know until we were going through their finances much later in life. Sibling who we thought was doing really well was actually a financial mess relying on parents to pay credit card bills that regularly got out of hand

My parents paid for undergrad and anything left over we could use for grad school. My sister had more left over because she went in state. They also paid for both of our weddings, I'm sure they spent more on my sister's because it was a few years later and in a city. It wasn't a situation like: you each get this much figure it out. It was more like: we plan to and would like to pay for each of your weddings and they worked with us to do what worked given the time and place we were getting married. Both of us are very reasonable and we all communicate well so it was never an issue. It honestly hadn't really occurred to me oh they probably spent more on her wedding because I think they taught us fair doesn't always mean equal. They supported both of us in what we wanted within reason.

My husband's parents paid for his sister's wedding, but since ours was paid for by my parents it isn't like they then said oh you also get x amount of money from us. But they did contribute some to therapy costs when my son was going through a very hard time and it was really expensive to treat. I feel like both our parents try to be "fair" and also meet the need and support kids at the right time.

The grandkids who were white got lots of money for private school and college. The ones who weren’t white got a small sum for community college. My parents are really bad people.

Traditionally, the parents of the bride paid for weddings. I’m not saying I think this should still be the case now, but 20+ years ago it was the norm in our circles. I would not count that as giving more money to one DC.
Also, many parents feel paying for school, including grad school is different than providing $ for any material wish.

My ILs have given to SIL ~300k that they didn’t to us for grad school + wedding. It makes my DH kind of sad because they talk a lot about being fair, yet are not, but we also don’t need it and its up to them to do what they’d like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Good for your father. And how would you know what your sibling needs?

You all are crazy, he will not ever need to take a penny from my father because he has quite a bit more money than my father. Is that not clear? It would take a world wide financial calamity of epic proportions to have him ask my father for anything and then you dad wouldn’t have anything either if that happens lol

I am fine with it all, All I said is I’m not going to be as rigid with my kids because there could be extenuating circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:My parents gave me nothing. First year we had house we miscalculated taxes and they loaned us $5K to be paid back at $500/ month. One month the mail was delayed and they became vengeful.

My in-laws gave each kid a lump sum when they inherited- pursed for down payment. FIL told me he’d never loan any of us $. He gifts it or he doesn’t. Loans get messy.

Anonymous wrote:My parents gave me nothing. First year we had house we miscalculated taxes and they loaned us $5K to be paid back at $500/ month. One month the mail was delayed and they became vengeful.

It seems like you feel bitter about that but I sure wish my parents could have helped me out with that huge an amount of a loan at any time in my life. And it sounds like you didn't age to pay interest. That was kind of them.

Anonymous wrote:Your father also might not want to subsidize a continued marriage to a mentally ill guy. I know that I’ve seen my ILs withhold support from my SIL because they’re trying to force one issue or another with her (like her getting back to work). What they’re actually doing goes right over her head.

It is easy to dehumanize situations on message boards, but I will say that it sounds like you’ve done a very good job under difficult circumstances, so you should feel proud of that.

Honestly your parents should save your gifts or put it in a trust that your DH can’t benefit from. In case he flakes out and leaves. Sorry. Mine did

We’ll see. Divorcing now and waiting to see if my cheating husband will try to take the investment account we (I) had saved for kid life event and instead use it for his mistress.
And if he does, I will absolutely tell the kids

My parents were fairest parents. They firmly met the needs of each kid. And since each of us had different interests and personalities, our needs were different too. But mainly my parents were very good about meeting our basic needs - food, clothes, education, housing, EC costs, medicine, college, travel, wedding.

They did not keep a track of who got more while they were living and helping. They helped with things that they valued and only if they felt that the offspring could not afford it - for example education of grandkids, mortgage of a child if they were in between jobs, medical costs etc.

They also got us all the exact same gifts. If my siblings asked for different things, for example - one asked for a very well made bag, another asked for a kitchen gadget, and the third asked for a blood pressure monitor... my parents would get all the three gifts, for all the three kids.

They have left us equal share of their property to be given to us after they pass away.

When parents are not fail and favor one kid over others, they spoil the relationships between siblings.

We live within our means and paid for our own wedding, but the years my husband’s sisters got married, his parents gave us a large cash gift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

So you think you are entitled to more than your sibling because you work part time and your sibling does not? Seriously?

You’re on a site called Moms and you don’t know what a family is?

People who work full time have families.