Talk this through with a therapist. I think telling your siblings is good (especially if they have children that need protecting). You need to be prepared that siblings either won't want to hear it, or, even if they believe you, are not going to cut ties with your parents. Don't have expectations for their reactions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I also said if anyone wants to understand why I'm not able to comply with the request, they can feel free to reach out to me. I don't expect anyone to - I've always been the scapegoat , the black sheep - and they'll just chalk it up to me being difficult or self-centered. If you have family members who have narcissistic tendencies, you'll understand.

OP, I think you handled this really well. You didn’t let yourself get pushed into supporting the abuser. I’m sorry you have the family you do, because a better one would reach out to you in concern.

I also struggle with family contact and my attempt to be open about the abuse was dismissed. It’s a lonely thing. You are very much not alone.

It’s the OP, thank you for your note.

My father has ignored my response that I will visit when I can. He has sent multiple group emails requesting visits, with the last one including a schedule where the 4 of us are allocated to 3 monthly visits per year, and which months we are to visit. I was allocated to April, August, December.
Although I’m the second oldest, I couldn’t help noticing I was listed last.

August is now.

Some posters said I should confront him. It’s now pissing me off that I said no, and he continues to send emails ignoring and disrespecting my wishes, as if I were his property.

I am considering asking him if he remembers what he did to me when I was 12, in an email. I’m ready to have him deny it, or say he doesn’t remember, and also to say how I’m such an ungrateful daughter who disrespects her parents (that’s usually how it has gone when I brought up issues). Still, I want him to know that I KNOW and I REMEMBER WHAT HE DID.

“Hi Dad
Do you remember what you did to me when I was 12 and Mom was away in China for a few months?”


Or I could say nothing about that and reply to all “I’ve already said I will visit when I am able. Please stop asking me to commit to a schedule.”

Or I just automatically move the emails into junk so I don’t have to deal with him.

OP, you do any of the above! Whatever feels right in your gut. He can do whatever he wants with the message. What matters is you and your mental health and recovery from his abuse. Screw him. Personally I’d go scorched earth. Sounds like he hasn’t learned a thing.

I’m so sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

I also said if anyone wants to understand why I'm not able to comply with the request, they can feel free to reach out to me. I don't expect anyone to - I've always been the scapegoat , the black sheep - and they'll just chalk it up to me being difficult or self-centered. If you have family members who have narcissistic tendencies, you'll understand.

OP, I think you handled this really well. You didn’t let yourself get pushed into supporting the abuser. I’m sorry you have the family you do, because a better one would reach out to you in concern.

I also struggle with family contact and my attempt to be open about the abuse was dismissed. It’s a lonely thing. You are very much not alone.

It’s the OP, thank you for your note.

My father has ignored my response that I will visit when I can. He has sent multiple group emails requesting visits, with the last one including a schedule where the 4 of us are allocated to 3 monthly visits per year, and which months we are to visit. I was allocated to April, August, December.
Although I’m the second oldest, I couldn’t help noticing I was listed last.

August is now.

Some posters said I should confront him. It’s now pissing me off that I said no, and he continues to send emails ignoring and disrespecting my wishes, as if I were his property.

I am considering asking him if he remembers what he did to me when I was 12, in an email. I’m ready to have him deny it, or say he doesn’t remember, and also to say how I’m such an ungrateful daughter who disrespects her parents (that’s usually how it has gone when I brought up issues). Still, I want him to know that I KNOW and I REMEMBER WHAT HE DID.

“Hi Dad
Do you remember what you did to me when I was 12 and Mom was away in China for a few months?”


Or I could say nothing about that and reply to all “I’ve already said I will visit when I am able. Please stop asking me to commit to a schedule.”

Or I just automatically move the emails into junk so I don’t have to deal with him.

I also said if anyone wants to understand why I'm not able to comply with the request, they can feel free to reach out to me. I don't expect anyone to - I've always been the scapegoat , the black sheep - and they'll just chalk it up to me being difficult or self-centered. If you have family members who have narcissistic tendencies, you'll understand.

OP, I think you handled this really well. You didn’t let yourself get pushed into supporting the abuser. I’m sorry you have the family you do, because a better one would reach out to you in concern.

I also struggle with family contact and my attempt to be open about the abuse was dismissed. It’s a lonely thing. You are very much not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared your siblings might not believe yiu or might turn against you. You should see a therapist.

Unfortunately this.

Can you start by telling a friend ? Or two friends? You will be surprised how therapeutic this is and how compassionate many people are.

It's the OP. Thanks for sharing your stories, I am sorry to hear about others who experienced this type of abuse as a child. It is traumatic and life changing.

Re siblings or family may not respond as I expect. Yes and I agree it's important to be ready for that. I'd be really surprised if he abused my siblings. It seemed to be more about the opportunity. I was also the only one who was asked/told to work in our family business as a teenager. My father was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me in that setting that I attempted suicide at age 15, I just could not take being told that everything I did and was doing was wrong, the implication that I was no good. After my suicide attempt, my mother was angry at me, saying "what would our neighbors and friends think if they found out?!"

The request for elder support has started. My dad sent out an angry email yesterday asking why we cannot visit even a few times a year, implying we are all undutiful and ungrateful children. It makes me want to vomit.

My younger brother responded and suggested the 4 of us adult children commit to a regular monthly visit using a Google calendar so that every week, the parents receive a social visit. I replied it was not feasible for me to commit to a Google calendar of scheduled visits and would visit when I could.

I also said if anyone wants to understand why I'm not able to comply with the request, they can feel free to reach out to me. I don't expect anyone to - I've always been the scapegoat , the black sheep - and they'll just chalk it up to me being difficult or self-centered. If you have family members who have narcissistic tendencies, you'll understand.

Working on finding a therapist in the meantime.

OP I was in a similar boat but it wasn’t my dad, it was a close family friend who lived with us. I carried it with me into my 40s without telling anyone, because at the time of the abuse (I was 7), this person told me that if I told, I’d break up the family (my parents were always fighting and I was terrified they’d get divorced). So as a kid, I kept it a secret to be strong for my family. I also felt like telling would hurt the feelings of my parents / siblings (ie, make them sad) and no kid wants to make their family sad.

But it has certainly affected me and one day in my 40s, I was really going through some stuff and I just let it out to my parents and siblings. It was really cathartic, because for me, I was never sure if they knew. They absolutely should’ve known. When the abuse started, I withdrew. I didn’t want to be around this person. Also my parents gave this person lots of opportunities to be alone with me. So I always wondered if everyone knew and we just didn’t talk about it?

Anyways, my siblings were very supportive. It was very helpful. My mother has issues and her response was not helpful, but was expected. (Her response was that since I never told as a child, she couldn’t be held responsible and it was my fault it continued as long as it did).

So as someone who “came clean” decades later, in my experience it was helpful to tell, but not life changing or anything. My mothers response was hurtful but expected so it didn’t bother me too much. Just reminded me that she is unwell in many ways.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As others have said, chances are very high that he did this to others -- your sister, brothers, grandchildren, neighbors.

I think you should tell your siblings, even knowing that their reaction will ultimately be unsatisfying.

If my siblings experienced abuse as kids, I would want them to tell me about it so I could offer support and so that I could come to a clearer understanding of who my parent the abuser is as a person. I mean it’s horrible to realize a parent did this but I’d rather know the truth than go on thinking my parents are ok people when they clearly aren’t.

I’d also want to know if I had any kids or nieces or nephews or other kids who may be around the abuser so I could make sure they’re no longer w abuser.

I think you should tell your siblings, as long as you are prepared that they may not believe you, may not support you, and may even turn against you.

Op, I am very sorry to hear this, happens way too often! Unfortunately, he may still be abusing (other children, grand children and their friends).

You need to do whatever you can to protect yourself (emotionally) foremost, get rid of the toxic whenever you are ready (whatever works for YOU). If they are good people, they will support you when you share the burden with them. If not then they are not ready to carry it yet that is all, don't over think it!

I would try to protect the young ones as much as I can. It is not your job though!
Sending healing and peace.

I wouldn't do it without a therapist present. Your siblings will be divided.

Did you allow siblings kids to be around this man without a warning? If so, be prepared to be told you are selfish. That you tell so you don't have to do care giving but you put other peoples kids at risk.

Tell them but tell them for your own well being. Don’t expect anything from them. Tell them so you can release it from yourself and to make it known why you are not interested in taking care of your aging parents. This is for you not them. Tell them and walk away if you need to.