Anonymous
07/08/2024 16:50
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Anonymous wrote:This would not fly with me. I have no siblings but friends and cousins. Many have stayed with us over the years. But for the purpose of also visiting with us and everyone either buys take out once or similar. Im not a hotel. I also have little kids and they would be very upset if people are staying at our home but not socializing with us at all.
Spoken like a true only child.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:44
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
She's rude. She's also a bad aunt.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:42
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
This would not fly with me. I have no siblings but friends and cousins. Many have stayed with us over the years. But for the purpose of also visiting with us and everyone either buys take out once or similar. Im not a hotel. I also have little kids and they would be very upset if people are staying at our home but not socializing with us at all.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:18
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
I have dog allergies. You need to make very very clear that she is not allowed to bring her dog to your house. Your dh should not have to put up with a dog in his house when he is allergic. Perhaps this will stop the visits.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:15
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
OP, you're entitled to a preference. And it doesn't have to be a big deal.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:14
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Anonymous wrote:She just has different expectations than you. She might think having a meal would be taking up your time or something. But use your words and ask for what you want.
"Brenda, I feel a little used when you stay at our house because you never seem to want to spend time with us - it seems like you just want to stay with us for free lodging. We would really love to have a couple of meals with you, and have time to bond. Is that something you're interested in?"
Before you say this….have you invited her to meals? Have you suggested specific outings? And she says no? If not, you need to first start with specifically suggesting you guys go do something. She may think she’s doing you a favor by staying out of her hair
Anonymous
07/08/2024 15:09
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“We’d love to actually spend some quality time with you guys when you come to stay. I can make some reservations! How about dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday?”
Ah, this method I actually have tried each time they have come! The response is something like “I’m not sure. We might have plans.” And then they inevitably have plans.
Part of my frustration is that I think anyone would see these repeated offers as a hint, but she might just be oblivious as others have mentioned, but since I am uncomfortable confronting her in a more direct manner it creates a tense dynamic for me whenever she broaches the subject.
Sooner or later I will have to be more direct though. This summer she invited herself to the beach again, but this time with their new dog. We are actually not going to the beach this summer so it was an easy no, but she must be truly oblivious because my DH is allergic to dogs (which she knows) but it clearly hasn’t occurred to her and she didn’t even ask if we would be ok with it. She presented it like “we would love to come to X with dog. When are you going?” This will inevitably come up again next summer.
Reading through these responses is helpful - thank you
OP, this is a missed opportunity. The DOG is the reason for the no, and reminding her of your husband's allergy by telling her "We aren't going to the beach this year, but it would be no anyway because Ted is allergic to dogs." Setting boundaries with someone who is oblivious or taking advantage requires you to be specific about what you want/need. If the issue is the dog, say so. If the issue is that you feel like a hotel and are not okay with that at all, say so. You have to get more comfortable asserting your needs, because if she was going to pick up on subtlety or reciprocity, that would already have happened.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:52
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Wouldn't it be interesting if she thought she was doing you a favor by being out of your hair while she's there since you have young children?
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:46
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Anonymous wrote:She is very rude! Not even a meal with you and her niece/nephew. No!! Hotel for her. She’s just cheap.
Yes, you're just a free hotel.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:40
Subject: Re:Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
OP: You need to be more upfront about your AirBnB rates. Demand payment in advance and a security deposit.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:38
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
Did you read the post about the 2 family visits and the host spent $1000 of food while the visitors spent $0?
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:37
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
You have got to learn how to have authentic relationships.
Anything else devolves into being dysfunctional.
Direct communication will set you free, in all realms.
Anything else devolves into being dysfunctional.
Direct communication will set you free, in all realms.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:35
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
She sounds like a user or she's just completely oblivious.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:34
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
TBH, family members often staywith other family members to save the price of a hotel. There is nothing wrong with that.
What is your relationship like separate from these visits? Were you hoping they would bring you closer?
I think you should consider these two issues separately. Think about how often they can stay with you for free, and when it might be convenient vs inconvenient. Share those expectations in advance (including how long they can stay).
Now separately consider how often you would like to see your sister. Do you ever invite her for visits? For holidays? If not , and you miss such occasions,,,then state that.
Now you are resenting putting her up, but not voicing your preferences. That is not wise or fair.
What is your relationship like separate from these visits? Were you hoping they would bring you closer?
I think you should consider these two issues separately. Think about how often they can stay with you for free, and when it might be convenient vs inconvenient. Share those expectations in advance (including how long they can stay).
Now separately consider how often you would like to see your sister. Do you ever invite her for visits? For holidays? If not , and you miss such occasions,,,then state that.
Now you are resenting putting her up, but not voicing your preferences. That is not wise or fair.
Anonymous
07/08/2024 14:21
Subject: Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?
She doesn't need to stay with you anymore.