Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

I dunno if I’m a winner but I’m still married and my wife was surprised to hear that she was the one being problematic by being inflexible and close minded. I’m not gloating, the whole exercise was a waste of time, I always knew that that communication and compromise will get you where you want to go.

So, ladies, be careful what you wish for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

wow you sound like a winner! I definitely believe you’re a reliable narrator.

Anonymous wrote:Or better yet, They simple and nod. Then never say or do anything.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry lady, it was an accident. I put the fragile glass wedding gift in the checked luggage and not my carry on. So what. It was an accident. I did nothing wrong. Tell the therapist. I had a different view than you. So what. It was an accident. Accidents happen to everyone. Just like Momma always said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

the one who thinks the other one just "needs to be fixed" either learns that (s)he is the one who needs fixing, or that you can't fix other people.

Every argument my wife and I had for many years, for instance, came down to her believing that I just needed to be told/explained in a different way, and then the problem will be solved. Her first assumption was almost never that maybe SHE needed to change something. Of course I'm not saying I didn't/don't need to change things, but I do change them when told to/asked to, etc. For a long time, she thought if we went to therapy, this smart third-person could tell her dipshit husband (me) that he was wrong, and make him understand, and it turns out the over-priced dimwit therapist just told DW that, actually, sometimes people are different, and that's okay, and that if everyone compromises (not just exclusively your dipshit husband) your problems will go away. And they did. But, I also knew all of that, and 15 minutes of thinking about the problem seriously, could've saved us a lot of money. But it helped my wife to hear it from someone who cost a lot of money and didn't appear to be qualified enough to be a dance teacher or SAHM.

Either way, think hard about yourself first, and then, with the awareness that you can only change yourself and not others, decide whether you want to waste money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am looking for criteria. A set of yes / no questions to determine whether couple therapy is suitable or has a higher or lower likelihood of success.

surely.. someone has crafted this criteria? I am not a naysayer - individual worked well and I had a positive experience with therapy.

I feel like PPs have said this, but is each person willing to:
- actually listen?
- accept that they are part of the "problem" dynamic?
- forgive the other partner and let go of being aggrieved?
- change behavior even if their way is "right"?
- change how they feel about the other's behavior, i.e., decide to let something go?

Nah, This is OP. That is WAY too loose. I am not trained in this field at all. This }%^ is off the top of my head. Criteria Id want:
1. Each willing to sign a contract to work on identified behaviors 1-3 / week. As set by therapist. That means genuine efforts measured by therapist
(or subject to termination) . Some items can be continuous . Spouse is not allowed to grade or judge but may listen to the others descriptions of efforts, without judgment.

2. Each willing to take individual sessions. (subject to termination by therapist)

3. Each willing to agree on agendas at the top of each session and not deviate from those unless two parties agree (subject to termination)

etc

The accountability is where the therapist threatens to bail if they don’t take it seriously. This is with little preparation… It’s like Kaizen for Couples (maybe?). Surely SOMEONE a has come up with criteria or couples agreements ? Is it all open ended and subjective ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.

Then what happens? The belligerent bad actor one doesn’t listen or respond and just railroads over everything with their own narrative and victim view?

Anonymous wrote:couples therapy is usually about one partner having an expectation that the other one just needs to understand and they will do so if they just listen better. It's not about actually finding compromises and mediating differences.