I’m an “anti-aftercare” poster. And a feminist. One has nothing to do with the other. Women should of course be able to work and have full lives. But infants and toddlers should also not be looked after in chaotic institutional settings by minimum-wage employees for 10 hours per day. It’s just wrong in a civilized, wealthy society. And the more anxious society gets, the more vulnerable our kids are. It’s a vicious cycle. And it all coincides with reduced standards in schools, nutrition, environment, security, etc.

I don’t know the solution but the first step in giving children a better start is for the professional classes to recognize the reality most of humankind knows. Flex hours, a few years of paid leave for both sexes, higher pay for daycare workers…all of this would be a start. But all the feminists who deny basic child development make me so upset. In my circle, most of the biggest aftercare and daycare users actually had sahms or nannies themselves.

They think because I didn’t change my name, vote for dems, married late, am an atheist etc that I agree with them. I don’t want anyone to feel judged because it’s not about them—it’s about what’s right for children.

To each their own. I was a SAHM and was financially abused, took a job working 50 hours a week with no benefits to get out of my unhappy marriage with two kids under three.

Working = money = power. Especially in the US. I am more focused on how grateful I am to have the opportunity to succeed in this world - publicly, financially - and am not bogged down by restrictive laws or social norms.

I hated being a SAHM. I have excellent executive functioning and a lot of energy so being a working parent works for me. There’s a long way to go with regard to policies etc but it’s still better today than it’s ever been. Perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know that kids are better off or happier not having to go to aftercare or staying until closing. Avoiding that never entered my decision making, which,’along with sharing the drop off and pick up load, led to both of us being able to have the careers we wanted.

???

Shouldn’t you know if your OWN kids are better off or happier avoiding aftercare? I won’t speak for everyone’s children, but mine absolutely HATED aftercare and it stressed them out horribly.

PP to whom You are responding. My kids loved aftercare and camp. Their aftercare took care of all homework so when they got home our evenings weren’t filled with a to do list. They taught my kids to sew and all kinds of other things. Plus my kids got to play with their friends. They had plenty of time to play with each other outside of those hours. They fed my kids a ln early dinner though they’d eat again at home. They also did camp on school days off so I never scrambled for care on teacher work days. And they did a summer camp so when they were little and didn’t like a lot of change, they could just stay in their regular childcare. It was a good gig. Went from age 3 to 13.

Anonymous wrote:So my job is my vacation time. I talk to other adults. Use my brain. I can take PTO when I need so time off to go shopping or get my hair done. Yes, my house is a mess and I am tires but it is 100 times better than the life my mom lived. She stayed home and never did anything but clean plus she hated being a mom. She barely talks to her kids now and never visits her grandkids. I want my children to see me as a whole person and I want to be a whole person. For me, that means working.

Me too. I work in person every day and have very little flexibility. Though I admit my house is clean as I get up at 4am and clean/workout/ food prep. I have very social kids (3) who do well in aftercare/ 8-6 daycare. I get very angry if I don’t have my work/ time to be with adults and problem solve. Maybe I shouldn’t have had kids, but I didn’t realize this about myself until I had 3.

So my job is my vacation time. I talk to other adults. Use my brain. I can take PTO when I need so time off to go shopping or get my hair done. Yes, my house is a mess and I am tires but it is 100 times better than the life my mom lived. She stayed home and never did anything but clean plus she hated being a mom. She barely talks to her kids now and never visits her grandkids. I want my children to see me as a whole person and I want to be a whole person. For me, that means working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids complain about camp aftercare roughly the same amount as they complain about everything else (including camps both cheap and expensive, babysitters and nannies, and school). I'm not getting a different job in order to avoid this. The good thing about aftercare relative to camp or school is that you can just bring a book and read.

Well our kids love school, have had some amazing camps, but aftercare has been reviled by 3 different age cohorts.

Have you been in an after care room? It's cacophony and very hard to read between the noise and being jostled by kids. And my kids love reading and crafts.

That hasn't been my experience with aftercare more than with anything else. I know what the worst child care experiences we've had were, and aftercare doesn't make the top three. I think is just not a universal experience.

Well we have been in 3 public schools and it bears out and many other parents have chimed in. Are you in FCC?

No. And at least one of the people chiming in is also anti day care and probably anti women having jobs, so I wouldn't necessarily take that as bearing anything out.

Kids may like aftercare. Doesn’t mean it’s developmentally healthy to be warehoused and have to comply for that long. Even if an afterschool nanny is boring, the child’s mind can rest.

My kids love junk food. That doesn’t make it good for them!

Anonymous wrote:It's been soul-crushingly difficult as a single mom. Not trashing stay at home moms. I was one briefly. Mommy tracked after divorce, but the grind has killed my spirit.

So no co-parent in the mix, 100% custody, that is brutal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent who keeps the flex schedule so kids aren't in SACC till 6 or stuck in camp aftercare which is ALWAYS terrible. But my career is so stymied by being parent friendly. Really wish we had focused on breadwinner SAHM model rather than equality and "do it all" fallacy.

That's all. Off to pick up my kids from camp.

+1 In your same boat OP. My husband was working in big law when I had my first and told me he'd happily be the breadwinner if I wanted to stay at home. I blame years of indoctrination from my education and even my own parents that WOMEN MUST HAVE A CAREER AND YES THEY CAN HAVE IT ALL, I chose to stay in my well paid but stressful consulting job. As much as it hurt to see my baby get whisked off by a nanny (yes, we had the privilege of affording a nanny but I still didn't love the arrangement), I just could not give up my career. I didn't even love my job, but I loved that I had a career and that's what my peers and society told me I had to have.

Fast forward 5 years, we've had a second kid and husband now works as a government lawyer. I essentially had to mommy track at some point and now I'm neither here nor there. No longer work for the prestigious big name company but still have to keep working so I'm constantly stretched thing as the primary back-up care person, especially in the summer.

Wish I had chosen to be a SAHM when the chance was there. Or not had kids. Or just had one.

Wouldn’t you have had to start working again since you say now that you can’t become a SAHM?

Anyway, I can understand this. I’m
glad I worked only because it allowed me to save for retirement and gave me experience to own my business now. Trying to do both parenting and working was hard, and I learned this country doesn’t really care about families.

We only had one. Grandparents were not so happy, but they could have helped financially if they wanted their opinions considered.

It's been soul-crushingly difficult as a single mom. Not trashing stay at home moms. I was one briefly. Mommy tracked after divorce, but the grind has killed my spirit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids complain about camp aftercare roughly the same amount as they complain about everything else (including camps both cheap and expensive, babysitters and nannies, and school). I'm not getting a different job in order to avoid this. The good thing about aftercare relative to camp or school is that you can just bring a book and read.

Well our kids love school, have had some amazing camps, but aftercare has been reviled by 3 different age cohorts.

Have you been in an after care room? It's cacophony and very hard to read between the noise and being jostled by kids. And my kids love reading and crafts.

That hasn't been my experience with aftercare more than with anything else. I know what the worst child care experiences we've had were, and aftercare doesn't make the top three. I think is just not a universal experience.

Well we have been in 3 public schools and it bears out and many other parents have chimed in. Are you in FCC?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids complain about camp aftercare roughly the same amount as they complain about everything else (including camps both cheap and expensive, babysitters and nannies, and school). I'm not getting a different job in order to avoid this. The good thing about aftercare relative to camp or school is that you can just bring a book and read.

Well our kids love school, have had some amazing camps, but aftercare has been reviled by 3 different age cohorts.

Have you been in an after care room? It's cacophony and very hard to read between the noise and being jostled by kids. And my kids love reading and crafts.

That hasn't been my experience with aftercare more than with anything else. I know what the worst child care experiences we've had were, and aftercare doesn't make the top three. I think is just not a universal experience.

Anonymous wrote:My kids complain about camp aftercare roughly the same amount as they complain about everything else (including camps both cheap and expensive, babysitters and nannies, and school). I'm not getting a different job in order to avoid this. The good thing about aftercare relative to camp or school is that you can just bring a book and read.

Well our kids love school, have had some amazing camps, but aftercare has been reviled by 3 different age cohorts.

Have you been in an after care room? It's cacophony and very hard to read between the noise and being jostled by kids. And my kids love reading and crafts.

My kids complain about camp aftercare roughly the same amount as they complain about everything else (including camps both cheap and expensive, babysitters and nannies, and school). I'm not getting a different job in order to avoid this. The good thing about aftercare relative to camp or school is that you can just bring a book and read.

Anonymous wrote:I have never met a woman who was in daycare/aftercare as a child also want that for her own kids. The problem is no one talks about what it costs to avoid this until you’ve had a baby.

I actually think is a huge benefit of dcum—keeping it real for young women who stumble upon posts like this.

seriously, you have to be strategic in your 20s when you’re dating about the kind of life you’re gonna have over the next two decades.