These stupid f**king men that think it’s fine to have close online girlfriends (aka emotional affairs). They are single-handedly ruining their marriages and then try to blame it in the wife.

Bring them to a priest, a grandpa or uncle, any male role model and have them knock some sense into him. That’s what this society is missing nowadays- a community of male role models to keep each other in line and from their worst impulses. Instead, men have become too passive and weak and look the other way to call younger men out in their BS and horrible destructive behavior. (I’m talking to you FIL and BILs, pathetic excuses for men, just like my STBX)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

You are not telling the full story. How long have you been married? When did this behavior start? How was your marriage and relationship prior to that?

OP here. We’ve been married 13 years. We dated 3 years before marriage living together for 1.5 years. the dating years were great and we were very close with lots of sex. Shortly after getting married he changed and became more distant. He refused to open up about what was going on.

The first 5 years of marriage were ok, not as good as dating but fine enough. Then his distancing began to pick up. For the last 3 years there’s been close to no sex and flat out refuse to participate in family life.

I don’t have a camera in his office but I’ve snooped before. A lot of what he’s doing is working. He volunteers for extra work and side consulting projects to stay busy (we don’t need the extra money). He also has female online friends. I consider these to be emotional affairs. I first discovered he was doing this shortly after we got married and it’s gotten way worse over time.

Um, what?! Did you tell him you know about this and read him the riot act? Jesus Christ.

Yes, you can and should leave. And my marriage is like a 4/10 and this still sounds terrible to me - I’m not one of these perfect marriage posters who don’t get it. I bet you will feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. Stop degrading yourself by participating in this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Should also add when he does talk to me it’s typically to yell and argue, and he does this frequently in front of the kids.

Well, that's very different than he's checked out and ignores you all.

There are reasons to stay and there are reasons to divorce. I would certainly maximize my economic stability before divorcing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

You are not telling the full story. How long have you been married? When did this behavior start? How was your marriage and relationship prior to that?

OP here. We’ve been married 13 years. We dated 3 years before marriage living together for 1.5 years. the dating years were great and we were very close with lots of sex. Shortly after getting married he changed and became more distant. He refused to open up about what was going on.

The first 5 years of marriage were ok, not as good as dating but fine enough. Then his distancing began to pick up. For the last 3 years there’s been close to no sex and flat out refuse to participate in family life.

I don’t have a camera in his office but I’ve snooped before. A lot of what he’s doing is working. He volunteers for extra work and side consulting projects to stay busy (we don’t need the extra money). He also has female online friends. I consider these to be emotional affairs. I first discovered he was doing this shortly after we got married and it’s gotten way worse over time.

He moved on so should you.

Anonymous wrote:Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

You are not telling the full story. How long have you been married? When did this behavior start? How was your marriage and relationship prior to that?

Anonymous wrote:This my my DH too. Autism. Look it up and let us know where you think it fits for you.

DH also very high earner. Totally checked out at home. Same situation. Staying for the kids. We all have therapists. And no, you are not necessarily dooming them to repeat your situation. Be honest with them, though, about what is unusual about your home. It wil help them have better expectations for their own lives.

I knew that was coming lol...another guy on the spectrum lol

I’d scare him with the threat of a divorce to agree to marriage counseling. I’d be miserable in this marriage and I think it’s normal to consider divorce. And it’s not healthy for your kids so hopefully he agrees to counseling.

This my my DH too. Autism. Look it up and let us know where you think it fits for you.

DH also very high earner. Totally checked out at home. Same situation. Staying for the kids. We all have therapists. And no, you are not necessarily dooming them to repeat your situation. Be honest with them, though, about what is unusual about your home. It wil help them have better expectations for their own lives.

I call BS…

Definitely divorce. You can try to save the marriage through counseling first, if that makes you feel better about having tried everything before walking away. But that’s no way for you and your kids to live, and they will benefit from seeing that’s not acceptable behavior from a spouse and it’s better to be alone than with someone who mistreats you. And yes, refusing to go on vacations is mistreatment. It’s not abuse, but it’s not living up to your marriage vows either.

I’m divorcing a man who similarly checked out. The difference was a) he wasn’t a good provider and b) he periodically would actually pay attention to our kid and c) we fought periodically so it was unpleasant and stressful for our kid. I think it helped in a weird way that I am a little more confrontational than you because I would periodically lose my sh*t at him for ignoring our kid, and he would for a little while be better about it.

I think whether you should divorce depends on whether your mental health is being harmed by the situation, and whether you think he’d ask for 50-50 custody.

This is exactly how my DH acted when he was depressed and a closet alcoholic (sort of- I knew but didn’t know how bad it had gotten- he was sneaking alcohol on top of what he drank openly). . Any signs of substance abuse?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think he would go along with whatever custody division want. He is doing great at work. It’s the only thing he gives attention to and it’s paid off. He gets promoted often.

To answer an earlier question about arguments. They happen about 2-3 times a month. he screams at me in front of the kids sometimes. I never know what could provoke it. Most recently he flipped out on me because I asked him if he could take DD to the dentist next week. He claimed I always interrupt him when he’s in his office. But there is no other way to contact him, because that’s where he stays unless going to the restroom. He gets upset with the kids for this too, even though we only knock outside of work hours. I mostly try and communicate via text and email, even when we are home together

Can you slip a nanny cam in there somehow and figure out what’s going on? Leave a laptop open and unattended with camera view of his screen? Can you check his search history? (If it’s not more than a day of internet browsing he’s up to no good).

OP, what is he really doing in there, do you think? I'd be tempted to set up a nanny cam or something.

Is he watching porn? Drinkng? Gaming? Is he on the spectrum or are the kids SN or does his extended family have mental illness? How long has he been sleeping in there? What does he sleep on? Very odd. It's about way more than your marriage. I bet he is HFA. What is his career?