Anonymous wrote:What helped me was to remind myself that he was going through it and not me. We all die but at that moment in time, 2 years from dementia diagnosis until death, he was the one losing his life not me.

So no matter how I sad I felt, my Dad was still my Dad. He he was just changing and I was bearing witness to it, and my job was to treat him with respect and dignity just as I had always done but to also treat him with kindness and to honor him by not turning away from him or getting stuck in/on what I was feeling.

It also helped to believe that this was still his life, no matter how diminished he became in mental capacity it was still life. The sorrows were there for him but so too were the joys.

In care facilities no one is getting out alive. They are all dying. Some have broken minds, and some have broken bodies and some have both.

The demented ones all seemed to be doing okay up until the point where they fall off of a cliff and at that point the end comes swiftly, no doubt aided by strong hospice drugs.

Aging isn’t for the weak. I think it’s a good reminder that even on your worst days, child rearing, working, pressed for time and stressed as hell, you are at least in the thick of it with a full life. So make the most of it and enjoy it.

Enjoy this time with your mom. Be cheerful during your visits, if you have young ones bring them to visit often, older people gravitate to young kids in these settings. For most of them seeing little kids makes them happy. The grumpy ones will either leave or be taken to their rooms. Don’t sign off on unnecessary treatments or medications that
will extend her life. So when it’s her time she’ll go quickly and the worst effects of dementia won’t come for her.

When you get home from visits, immerse yourself in your life. When your mom does eventually die you may even find yourself handling your grief better than expected.

She’s transitioning, we all do it eventually, if we are lucky we are old and grey. There comes a time for all of us, when we are on the other side of all of the running around, maybe being half or fully checked out isn’t the worst way to spend that time.

Anonymous wrote:Watching my dad's decline was so hard. It does get easier, the first few times are pretty jarring. You'll go through the stages of grief before she actually dies. I lost my dad while he was living. When he did eventually die, I wasn't heartbroken. I'd already mourned the loss of the dad I knew and I was glad he was finally a peace.

Anonymous wrote:Watching my dad's decline was so hard. It does get easier, the first few times are pretty jarring. You'll go through the stages of grief before she actually dies. I lost my dad while he was living. When he did eventually die, I wasn't heartbroken. I'd already mourned the loss of the dad I knew and I was glad he was finally a peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. And perhaps this was a day when you felt like you really needed your mom. Wishing you peace.

Thank you. She was a difficult mother with a possible personality disorder and definite depression and anxiety. She’s never been a comfort to me or provided emotional support. Most of the time, I was the parent.

I’ve come to terms with not having a mother in the beneficial sense.

Maybe that was part of my grief. I don’t know.

OP

Np Now that we know this part I understand why it is very difficult. You are mourning the mom you wanted and now will never get. Trust me, I get it having a difficult dad who died when I was young and now a mother who is older and very difficult.

Sending hugs to you.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you can be incredibly tough and still need to go cry sometimes. One time, taking care of my parents, I had to wander outside, where I could be alone away from my parents and the nurse for a few minutes, and just lay down in the grass and wept. And then, after a while, I got up and went inside, and did the things that needed to be done. OP, you have my deepest sympathies. Seeing our parents decline and taking care of them is extraordinarily difficult.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. And perhaps this was a day when you felt like you really needed your mom. Wishing you peace.