I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I have a couple of friends who are cheap/takers. I hate it and I wonder if they don't know people are judging them. Ugh I can't stand it.

Anonymous wrote:We're generous with what we have but it's not as much as some others. We are happy to cook for people over at our place or for a neighborhood potluck. But we can rarely afford to eat out ourselves, so when families come to visit for a weekend, we'll stock up on groceries and cook rather than "treating". Sometimes some of my family will say "oh let's just get takeout and make it easy!" and it makes me so uncomfortable because I know if we do, we should pay as the hosts, but it's not a convenience for us, it's a true luxury.

I would love it if someone would invite us to their home and cook. This rarely happens.

I am pretty sure the people I am thinking of can afford to reciprocate. They just choose not to because they would rather spend their money elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to stop expecting freebies.

Lol I am not expecting freebies. If I spend hundreds or thousands on you, it would just be nice for someone to give something even as a gesture.

OP, you need to stop expecting freebies.

We're generous with what we have but it's not as much as some others. We are happy to cook for people over at our place or for a neighborhood potluck. But we can rarely afford to eat out ourselves, so when families come to visit for a weekend, we'll stock up on groceries and cook rather than "treating". Sometimes some of my family will say "oh let's just get takeout and make it easy!" and it makes me so uncomfortable because I know if we do, we should pay as the hosts, but it's not a convenience for us, it's a true luxury.

Anonymous wrote:People are cheap! It’s sad and it took me a lifetime to accept. DH and I are well off, but we were generous when we were just starting out and poor. We are even more generous now. I’m amazed at how many family and friends I have who are just cheap. It’s depressing.

Op here. Thank you! DH and I also started out poor and now wealthy. I’m just surprised how much people can take and never give anything in return. I don’t know but it is starting to bother me after 10-20 years. I don’t know if people are struggling financially, just cheap, just rude or have no manners.

Of course not everyone we know and hang out with is like this. We also have many generous friends and family.

People are cheap! It’s sad and it took me a lifetime to accept. DH and I are well off, but we were generous when we were just starting out and poor. We are even more generous now. I’m amazed at how many family and friends I have who are just cheap. It’s depressing.

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP, if you are buying things for friends and then keeping a tally you are neither treating them, or being generous. Friendships shouldn't be tit for tat.

It is not really a tally or tit for tat. It is more 100 to 0.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why other people expect their friends to buy them coffees and ice cream etc? There's nothing wrong with NOT splashing cash on a friend and just paying for your own shit.

+1

OP you an adult? You have a job? You pay your own bills? All of them?

Why are so concerned with other people spending money on you? Why should they? Answer: they should not.

I am glad that I was not imagining this not giving attitude. You obviously don’t feel the need or want to reciprocate.

I thought they should at least offer since we often host and pay.

Anonymous wrote:I have some friends who are not rich and not poor. They are MC/UMC. I know they plan and budget. I have noticed that some of these friends never host, never treat and never reciprocate. They do always pay their share, often want to itemize the bill and pay separately.

I have always been generous no matter my financial situation. I want to treat my friend for her birthday. If someone treats me, I treat or at least offer to buy the next time. I’m surprised at some people who NEVER reciprocate or offer to reciprocate.

Is this a personality trait? Or financial?

This is unadvisable.

Sounds like your friends hold themselve accountable for their spending and are less impulsive than you are. Where I don't agree is them accepting your treats and not reciprocating when you're out - but I don't see that in the same vein as hosting. Some people just aren't into hosting.

Also, OP, if you are buying things for friends and then keeping a tally you are neither treating them, or being generous. Friendships shouldn't be tit for tat.

It’s not generous to give away money that you don’t have. That’s attention seeking behavior and very self serving. “Look at me! Look at me! I’m so generous!”

Anonymous wrote:I also know one can be generous in many ways, not just financial. These people aren’t generous with time, favors, etc either.

Another old friend I have paid for and treated for decades. I always made more and Dh earns a lot. She is pretty generous with others but never with me. I feel when she is with me, she tries to take advantage, like ordering the most expensive things on the menu, taking food to go, etc. I used to not mind or try not to care but I am starting to care.

I think at this point this is an established pattern for you guys. If you've treated her for decades, then she's not going to change. I think your other taker friends probably all see you as the chum who pays.

Personally, I would not have continued to treat someone when they blatantly picks out the most expensive items on a menu that they wouldn't have ordered on their own dime. That's like waving a flag identifying themselves as takers. And you continued to treat them long after that, so you're just the wallet for them.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why other people expect their friends to buy them coffees and ice cream etc? There's nothing wrong with NOT splashing cash on a friend and just paying for your own shit.

+1

OP you an adult? You have a job? You pay your own bills? All of them?

Why are so concerned with other people spending money on you? Why should they? Answer: they should not.