Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 17:03     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
When we married, I thought my DH and I were pretty similar politically. Turns out that is not the case at all. It has caused problems for me but not for him. I don't actually think he changed or misrepresented himself... I'm not sure what happened. He's just a lot more complacent about effed up things and he can't empathize at all with how messed up things are for some people.

He also does not really seem to give AF about our sex life anymore which is probably the biggest problem.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 20:45     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:After 24 years, I've seen my DH go from fun-loving, spontaneous, and flexible, to anxious, rigid, and controlling.

Great father to young kids, to a not-great father to teens and young adults (see "anxious, rigid, and controlling").

The first 15 years were amazing. The last 9 years have gone downhill and now teetering on a cliff.


Are you going to divorce him eventually?
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 20:34     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, because we were together for 6 years before we got married and lived together for 4 of those years. There were no weird surprises.

This is why those people who say you shouldn't move in together before marriage/engagement are so wrong. You have to enter the mundane period of time together to know if you can stand your partner for the long haul.


But what is the explanation for men who change much later on?! After 10-20 years of marriage? I was with my DH for 5yrs before marriage, lived together for 3. Didn’t have kids until 4yrs into the marriage. Never any red flags or problems. Mine changed much later (after 15yrs of marriage)- he is almost an entirely different person.

I could’ve easily posted what you posted- and a bit smugly at that- earlier in our marriage. It didn’t last.


Well, it has been 20+ years for us, and he is still not terrible, so I don't know what to tell you.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 20:16     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
You changed not him.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 20:03     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
This is me as well. I actually had to check to make sure I didn’t write this. I am in pure hell. My life has been destroyed. I end most days wishing I didn’t wake up the next one, but keep going for my kids, one of whom inherited his dad’s genetic predisposition to neurodivergency and will never be able to live independently. The child that is more neurotypical still has significant issues, and I don’t know if he will have a chance at a good life either. My husband is literally the worst thing that has happened to me in my life. I wish he was dead.


Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. DH traveled a ton for work and we had met during the intensely structured time while we were earning our professional degrees, so that provided some cover for what was actually going on. In hindsight there were signs here and there that made sense in the context of his lifestyle so I dismissed them. We also didn't spend a ton of time with his extended family while dating but that also seemed normal during that phase of our life.

Anyway, after we married DH became almost immediately different and once we had our child he was completely different than the person he had presented to me. I actually begged him to go to a neurologist because I thought he had a brain tumor or early dementia.

It turns out that he had previously undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. The coping mechanisms and adaptations he had relied on fell apart once he had the responsibility and challenges of a new baby. It was so ugly. He threw terrible tantrums over really basic things and would go into shutdowns for days. The unpredictability of being in a relationship and parenting made him even more rigid and angry.

I slowly pieced together a lot of stuff in his family that included mental illness (not saying this is related to autism or ADHD, but mentioning it because it was bananas that he never noticed or mentioned the very obvious and diagnosed illnesses- and hospitalizations!- in his family?!) and a lot of autism, including lower-functioning autistic cousins living in basements and never coming to family functions. It's unclear if his family actually realizes what's going on- they are from a culture that pretends mental illness isn't real and I've heard the parent of one of the cousins with more severe autism speak derisively of an acquaintance who she thinks might "be Aspergers".

We stopped at one child and I've considered divorce a million times but won't go through with it because I would not want our child to deal with 50/50 custody and being under the sole care of DH.

It is really isolating and lonely because people are supportive of parents of children with ADHD or autism, but the few friends I have shared my situation with pulled away and have been visibly uncomfortable with the idea of an adult they know struggling with the impact of neurodiversity (even when it explains a lot about that person). I do a lot of covering for my DH now that our child is old enough to have friends and be social, because I can see that how important it is to have "normal" parents who participate in a neighborhood or school community.

At one point I confronted DH with why he would change so much after we married and not show me his real self while we were dating. He said that he always knew he was different and he knew he had to pretend to get friends and get into college and grad school and get the job he wanted. He said that when he was with me he felt like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life.

Great for him, a hellscape for me.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 17:53     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
My wife admitted that she never really liked sex (with anyone) and that her sex-positive nature early in our relationship was just a phase that she was trying out. I resent her now and completely regret the marriage despite our lovely daughter.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 17:37     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:After 24 years, I've seen my DH go from fun-loving, spontaneous, and flexible, to anxious, rigid, and controlling.

Great father to young kids, to a not-great father to teens and young adults (see "anxious, rigid, and controlling").

The first 15 years were amazing. The last 9 years have gone downhill and now teetering on a cliff.


I can't believe how closely this matches my experience. I'm two years ahead of you and it became even worse. We're divorcing.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 16:36     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:Yes. I stayed for a miserable decade and then divorced. People sometimes lie to get what they want. Then true colors come out.


This. People lie. People can lie for a long time. Sometimes to catch the liar you have to pay attention to a degree you would never do in a relationship.

I'm very fortunate that I stumbled over something that caused me to snoop and end things after 3 years instead of 15.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 16:21     Subject: Re:Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
I dodged that bullet by being very good friends with my husband for a few years before we connected. As a friend he wasn’t trying to be someone that he wasn’t. We only lived together for a month before we got married but there were no surprises.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 16:07     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After 24 years, I've seen my DH go from fun-loving, spontaneous, and flexible, to anxious, rigid, and controlling.

Great father to young kids, to a not-great father to teens and young adults (see "anxious, rigid, and controlling").

The first 15 years were amazing. The last 9 years have gone downhill and now teetering on a cliff.


Wow I could’ve posted exactly this. My DH was amazing with our young kids (the better parent of the 2 of us- he was more patient and more fun) but is now just awful with our teens. Same as yours- anxious, rigid, controlling and also moody. I never in a million years would’ve expected mine to be this way- not based on dating and early marriage, not even based on our earlier parenting years. It seems like this is common among men based on a lot of the posts here, and I wish I understood why..


because they began to have opinions, their own view on the world, and need independence. the dad can control the time and what they do more with little kids using either manipulation (emotional) or the fact that most young kids just want to please their parents and will go along with it. teeangers not so much. they have their own social network, etc.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 15:59     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Wow, yall are scarring me with the mental illness. I am in the early stages of dealing with this. Yes, my H changed after kids. He is getting help, but our kids are young and I'm at a crossroads....what will happen in those pre/teenage years.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 15:17     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:No, because we were together for 6 years before we got married and lived together for 4 of those years. There were no weird surprises.

This is why those people who say you shouldn't move in together before marriage/engagement are so wrong. You have to enter the mundane period of time together to know if you can stand your partner for the long haul.


But what is the explanation for men who change much later on?! After 10-20 years of marriage? I was with my DH for 5yrs before marriage, lived together for 3. Didn’t have kids until 4yrs into the marriage. Never any red flags or problems. Mine changed much later (after 15yrs of marriage)- he is almost an entirely different person.

I could’ve easily posted what you posted- and a bit smugly at that- earlier in our marriage. It didn’t last.
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 15:14     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
Anonymous wrote:After 24 years, I've seen my DH go from fun-loving, spontaneous, and flexible, to anxious, rigid, and controlling.

Great father to young kids, to a not-great father to teens and young adults (see "anxious, rigid, and controlling").

The first 15 years were amazing. The last 9 years have gone downhill and now teetering on a cliff.


Wow I could’ve posted exactly this. My DH was amazing with our young kids (the better parent of the 2 of us- he was more patient and more fun) but is now just awful with our teens. Same as yours- anxious, rigid, controlling and also moody. I never in a million years would’ve expected mine to be this way- not based on dating and early marriage, not even based on our earlier parenting years. It seems like this is common among men based on a lot of the posts here, and I wish I understood why..
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 15:12     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
In an era where marriages are disposable, how much value one can expect from an engagement ring?
Anonymous
Post 05/21/2024 14:49     Subject: Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?
No, because we were together for 6 years before we got married and lived together for 4 of those years. There were no weird surprises.

This is why those people who say you shouldn't move in together before marriage/engagement are so wrong. You have to enter the mundane period of time together to know if you can stand your partner for the long haul.