Anonymous wrote:Dating great guy but twice I have asked him to help me with something that is squarely in his field of expertise and both times he tried but failed to fix the problem. His attempt to fix consisted of googling the answer online. This makes me sad like I question how good he really is at his job. I’ve also been telling him since January that it’s important to me that we take a trip or travel together this summer and he hasn’t even given me dates yet and now it’s last minute and options are limited (and still no dates given). I’ve told him that if budget is an issue we can stay domestic/modest but it’s very important I get to take a summer break with him. He loves me that’s not the issue. I wonder if he’s really as competent as I thought and am sad about it.

He’s not going to. You have your answer.

Anonymous wrote:Posters shouldn’t comment if they can’t or won’t read. OP suggested they travel together and cover their own expenses, she is not demanding a trip.

- not OP

She is demanding a trip though isn’t she. That’s why she posted. Because she did not get answer she was expecting from the dude. An answer nonetheless.

Just see if he plans vaca or not. And the. You accept or reject. You can't force him to do something and you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about it. Plan something for yourself and see if he asks you to go away with him too. Try relaxing

Posters shouldn’t comment if they can’t or won’t read. OP suggested they travel together and cover their own expenses, she is not demanding a trip.

- not OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sad bcbb b I really love him bc and want him to be the one. But he has to be competent for it to work.

1. You haven't known him for long enough to "really love him."

2. Do not "want him to be the one." He is showing you who he is, and vice-versa. The point of dating is to determine whether he is a match, not to decide in advance that you want him to be that and molding him to your desire for that.

This.

OP likes the idea of being in love which is why she puts these little tests out there. Meanwhile, this poor dupe likely has no idea he's "the one" or any of that other nonsense. The fact that he's not responding to her demands about a trip is pretty telling.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sad bcbb b I really love him bc and want him to be the one. But he has to be competent for it to work.

1. You haven't known him for long enough to "really love him."

2. Do not "want him to be the one." He is showing you who he is, and vice-versa. The point of dating is to determine whether he is a match, not to decide in advance that you want him to be that and molding him to your desire for that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he have to pay for your vacation?

Why are you unable to read?

Hah, rude. But I hadn't read the rest of the comments yet.

Anonymous wrote:Why does he have to pay for your vacation?

Why are you unable to read?

Why does he have to pay for your vacation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first thing is ridiculous. I don't get why this bothers you at all. Your second thing is legitimate. You told him this was important to you and I'm assuming followed up about it and he wouldn't give you any available dates.

Agreed. Some people are really bad about planning and even responding about dates if it's an open ended question. Can you ask about one specific week that's good for you and give him a response deadline, or ask when he's not busy and get an answer right away? My in laws are like this, they plan pretty last minute compared to me, so I just get specific early.

Weaponized incompetency. He's an adult and to start catering to his selfishness and/or laziness by creating narrower windows of error will snowball to all things. People prioritize what is important to them. It's either not important, or he's happy for her to do it all and tag along and start saying things like "but you're better at those things than I am".

As for the fixing item - if it's IT it's like any other skill - we're specialized in our area and google the rest. It's usually easier for us to understand the answers given online with the skills we have to solve the problem.

OP ignore the one weird misogynist that hangs out on the relationship forum bashing women. I read your suggestion of going domestic as protecting the budget for both of you, not you looking to be covered. Nor do I think you should cover his expenses. And yes this same poster is incapable of imagining an arrangement where adults pay their own expenses.

Re: your BF, I’d assess whether the competency issue extends to other areas, real life, etc. Is this guy on track for retirement savings? Does he care for and manage his own health? Are his relationships with family and close friends intact? Think big picture. If yes to these things and you’re truly into him, he may be a keeper. If not, you may have to let him go. The “absent professor” or “loveable but bumbling” guy isn’t attractive for most of us (who haven’t been married to said guy for 20 years with shared kids). It’s reasonable to want someone who is value-added in your life (and no, that does not only refer to $$, talking to you incel guy).

Anonymous wrote:Your first thing is ridiculous. I don't get why this bothers you at all. Your second thing is legitimate. You told him this was important to you and I'm assuming followed up about it and he wouldn't give you any available dates.

Agreed. Some people are really bad about planning and even responding about dates if it's an open ended question. Can you ask about one specific week that's good for you and give him a response deadline, or ask when he's not busy and get an answer right away? My in laws are like this, they plan pretty last minute compared to me, so I just get specific early.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you’re looking for a wallet. You want him to pay for your international trip together? If budget is an issue you can stay “domestic” - gimme a break. You’re just another ho looking for a free ride. I wouldn’t fix a thing for you.

OP. F off. Nowhere did I say I asked or expect him to pay. You’re just a misogynist incel.
PS I have more assets and higher income than he does and I work fulltime, so bite me.

Clearly you expect him to pay by mentioning the budget and staying “domestic/modest”. You’re the incel that wants a free ride. Gold digger wants free vacation. I guarantee that’s the problem.

DP. Perhaps they are splitting the cost and she wants to make sure he can afford his share of it? I don’t know why you automatically jump to the conclusion that a discussion of travel budget = gold digger. Your response does come off very incel-like.

Because OP brought it up as a possible issue. That’s why. If it has nothing to do with anything then why put it out there? If she has so much money then book the trip and tell him the dates she’s going and be prepared to go alone.

OP. This is a stupid response.

I don’t need to hide the ball on finances.

I want to take a vacation WITH HIM not alone.

His budget is tighter than mine. That’s fine I am happy and to split the bill while staying within his means.

[Cue the hypocritical, double-standard posters who’ll now shriek that I should pay for him].

Too many lame DCUM posters are so parochial they can’t imagine a financially independent woman!

This isn’t about money.

It’s about planning and time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you’re looking for a wallet. You want him to pay for your international trip together? If budget is an issue you can stay “domestic” - gimme a break. You’re just another ho looking for a free ride. I wouldn’t fix a thing for you.

OP. F off. Nowhere did I say I asked or expect him to pay. You’re just a misogynist incel.
PS I have more assets and higher income than he does and I work fulltime, so bite me.

Clearly you expect him to pay by mentioning the budget and staying “domestic/modest”. You’re the incel that wants a free ride. Gold digger wants free vacation. I guarantee that’s the problem.

DP. Perhaps they are splitting the cost and she wants to make sure he can afford his share of it? I don’t know why you automatically jump to the conclusion that a discussion of travel budget = gold digger. Your response does come off very incel-like.

Because OP brought it up as a possible issue. That’s why. If it has nothing to do with anything then why put it out there? If she has so much money then book the trip and tell him the dates she’s going and be prepared to go alone.

OP, I’m an attorney is a niche quasi-legal practice area that doesn’t litigate. I’m really good at what I do, but really only within the scope of regulations that I routinely work under.

People LOVE to ask me legal questions all the time (about something they read in the news, something that happened to them, weird hypotheticals, etc.) and I can really only respond in a high level way about topics outside my expertise (I’m 15+ years out of law school and a lot of areas I studied have changed since then and I haven’t kept up since I don’t use them for work).

So I would keep in mind that most people’s day jobs are pretty narrow in scope. Even when people do ask me about something related to my area of practice, I have to disclaim that I don’t handle X issue in particular, but they could consider Y or Z and should consult with an attorney about the particulars of that.