Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don’t think it’s fair to call OP’s kid “so violent”. He shoved a kid once, and the kid didn’t get hurt.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I was an unpopular kid who was bullied at both private and public. I was book smart, wildly unathletic, and (most importantly) a total pain in the ass. I was a know-it-all who blurted out answers, showed off for the teacher, and was unkind to others and then ran to the teacher when they retaliated.

Here's what turned things around, to the point that I'm now a well-liked adult with a great job and strong relationships:

1) My parents sent me to a therapist, and we talked about all the things I was insecure about (very short for a boy, bad at sports) and how my behavior toward my classmates was a manifestation of insecurity.

2) My parents drove 45 minutes each way to find me a peer group of kids who liked the same things I did (DnD in this case).

3) We moved from a smaller district to a bigger one, and I found out that I'm smart, but there are a lot of smarter people out there. The combination of being taken down a few pegs and a bigger social circle, plus some maturity, allowed me to turn the corner.

Take it from someone who has been where your son it - this is not just because he's smart and telling him that's the reason is not going to do him any favors. There's more going on here, I promise.

Anonymous wrote:Even with the additional details, something still feels off. Frankly, shy smart kids generally aren't bullied from what I've seen. They stay out of the way and may be lonely or unhappy (which obviously isn't good!) but they aren't typically the kids who are picked on. And in 2nd grade teachers are usually really on top of the new kid and would be protective and looking out for bullying.

So... as others have said... I think you need to figure out what else is going on. There is something about his social interactions that are making him a target. Maybe it's autism, maybe he thinks he's so much smarter than the other kids and points that out to them all the time, maybe it's ADHD, or maybe he's just a jerk. None of us know that. You may not even know that. But something's going on that doesn't sound typical.

I'm so sorry you are both going through this. I know how hard it is to watch your kid struggle.

Anonymous wrote:Even with the additional details, something still feels off. Frankly, shy smart kids generally aren't bullied from what I've seen. They stay out of the way and may be lonely or unhappy (which obviously isn't good!) but they aren't typically the kids who are picked on. And in 2nd grade teachers are usually really on top of the new kid and would be protective and looking out for bullying.

So... as others have said... I think you need to figure out what else is going on. There is something about his social interactions that are making him a target. Maybe it's autism, maybe he thinks he's so much smarter than the other kids and points that out to them all the time, maybe it's ADHD, or maybe he's just a jerk. None of us know that. You may not even know that. But something's going on that doesn't sound typical.

I'm so sorry you are both going through this. I know how hard it is to watch your kid struggle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Who did the neuropsych? They can vary tremendously in quality.

I am not blaming the victim -- there is no excuse for bullying -- but there is a reason he is repeatedly a magnet for bullies and it's not that he's "too smart." Until/unless you and he figure that out, this will keep happening. I suggest working with a therapist with lots of experience working with autistic children, even if he doesn't check all the boxes for autism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

My suggestion -- go back to his old private, and sign him up for a martial arts, and get him a therapist. Your kid needs some internal resources here, and changing schools a third time is not going to solve the problem. This problem will follow him, unless he changes.

I too have a nerdy kid, though he is outgoing. He has been doing martial arts since 3rd grade and it's transformative. He is strong and confident and there is no bullying.

Teaching a violent child more ways to hurt someone is a terrible idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don't know. He hadn't shown any signs of violence when we had the neuropsych eval done, so we weren't able to raise that concern then. He doesn't play video games, period (something he's teased about), so it's not something he picked up there. I don't know where he got the idea that shoving someone was ok - I would have rather he'd let himself be tripped again and lost another tooth, as horrible as that sounds.